Horrible Things - Tumblr Posts

Remembering the time

He berated me for an hour for sauteing the vegetables first when making him an omelette. He told me "Nobody does this!!!" Which is, of course, incorrect since lots of people cook an omelette that way. He found that out by calling everyone he knew trying to shame me.

Should have been a warning. There were many more instances afterwards where I was " weird", "hopeless", or "defective" in who I was, what I wanted/didn't want, what I thought, or how I behaved.

How easy it must be to control someone who believes every thought in their head is flawed.

A swift breeze to my house of cards

He took the new one on what should have been our trip.

I won't ever be interested in going to St. Lucia now.

He blames me for his broken heart and life of hardship. He blames me for everything.

I have learned to shoulder all of his disappointments, all of the hurt, all of the blame. They are the only things of ours that are still mine

Building a Basement

I found a way to read measuring tapes, find tools and square up boards through eyes overflowing with tears.

I held boards steady and straight while shaking for fear of my safety.

Full disclosure.

I cheated. Yes, I'm one of those horrible people.

And not just once. It was systematic. It spanned years, and with multiple people. I was trying to heal myself, give myself a moment of reprieve, find that light heartedness that makes life manageable.

What it actually did was cause further destruction to my self worth. And I handed him a weapon and an excuse that he used to torture me further for another two years.

My actions are inexcusable. I have no one to blame for them but myself. I have been wrought at the idea that I have inflicted pain. It is done and cannot be undone. I can only be better moving forward.

#1 on the list

At this very moment one year ago, I was in labour.

On the evening of November 8 -9, 2016 he came in me without my permission. In his defense I believe it was an accident. I had, at that time, miscalculated my cycle, and thought I was not in a red zone. I was incorrect. Weeks later I felt a flutter, did the usual stuff to confirm, and found out for sure. Pregnant.

I already had the appointment booked when I told him; most of me knew this was the right decision, but a little part of me hoped he’d try to talk me out of it. In retrospect it was absolutely the right decision for several reasons and if I hadn’t had that appointment booked when I told him, I’m confident he would have punched me in the stomach.

He didn’t talk me out of it, and it was made clear to me that this was something I had to handle alone.  He came to the hospital with me for the preliminary appointment and thought he had done me a great service. He advised that I was not welcome at his (once our) home despite the fact that he had put me in the predicament. If I wanted him to join me, I would have to pay for a hotel.  As I was spending every dime I had at the time on him - feeding him, clothing him, entertaining him, I had my cards maxed and couldn’t afford it.  He was very charitable with his next option - he’d go to sleep, but he’d unblock me so I could call him and keep his phone on.

So I did it alone.

What I endured was a trauma I may never get over. Some women have unpleasant period sensations.  I went through 16 hours of labour mixed with a bad reaction to the medication.  Vomit, diarrhea, sweating, chills, shakes and delirium, all alone in my parents basement, trying to be quiet to not wake them in the very early morning of Christmas Eve.

I have plenty of terrible options to choose from, but this was hands down, the absolute worst, horrible thing that has ever happened to me. 

And he made me do it alone.  What kind of man would abandon a woman like that?

This was the first time the veil got pulled back for me and I saw a glimpse of clarity through the fog.  This was the first time I thought about my life critically in years. I thought about what I wanted in life and what I needed to get there.  I felt strong - such an unusual feeling - like I could endure anything.

And then I thought about what I didn’t want to endure anymore, and what I no longer needed in my life.  A whole bunch of uncomfortable questions emerged.

This was the first step back.

Contrast

I knew what was best for all involved when I found out, but a part of me wanted it to be different. 

He lost his mind. He. Lost. His. Mind. I mean, falling to the floor wailing and flailing.  It lasted nearly an hour.

Then he proceeded to bully me.  He told me that he and his mother would fight me for custody so they could put it up for adoption.  That I would be the unfittest of mothers - that I was so fucked up that he would call Children’s Aid to take them away. This was all after he was aware that I had an appointment.  He was just ensuring that I went to it, I suppose.

He didn’t understand my reaction when he told me some weeks later about his friend’s handling of his girlfriend’s unexpected pregnancy.  She was upset as money was tight and they weren’t in a great place for it at the time. Her partner’s reaction?  

“Babe, don’t worry.  We’ll handle it together;  we’ll make it work”   

Devolving

But I'm guessing you already knew that.

Repulsion and longing.

Purging old paperwork as part of my ‘self care’ routine. Lots of documents to remind me of when I used to be a functioning adult with a mortgage and electric bills and such.

So much of it with both of our names on it.

This is probably one of the most embarrassing things I’ll ever post.  This was My List that he gave me to complete in order for us to date again.  Complete this, and I would be forgiven. I believed it too, and allowed myself to be tortured in the pursuit. 

This worries me.

I can’t tell if I don’t like kissing in general or if I just don’t like kissing him.

Hazard of being with someone who crushes you every day of your entire adult life.

Flashback

I have an astonishingly clear memory of one of the days where I went to help him rebuild the basement. I stood at the top of the stairs much longer than usual. I was willing myself to go down.

I did so by telling myself I was okay with the prospect of never coming back up.

On Tuesday I had an intake appointment for group therapy at my local women’s shelter.  I had a Personal Danger and Risk Assessment done. The score scale  is out of 30 and a score of 19 or higher categorized you as “In Extreme Danger/At Extremely High Risk”.

I scored a 27.

Speaking of cutting it off...

The man I was referring to in my second to last post was insufferable in general.  However the last part was particularly triggering with the “cutting it off” thing

One time, he went into the bathroom with two knives after threatening to cut his penis off.  

You see, in the correspondence he read between me and the men I cheated with, I "got back” at him by saying rude things about him.  I was angry, hurt, feeling helpless, and I got some juvenile satisfaction out of trashing his “manhood”.  I said he was small and that he didn’t satisfy me.  In reality, he was quite average and he didn’t satisfy me, but that had nothing to do with his hardware.

I felt I was the cause of all this distress (and he, of course, reinforced this later).  He’d also threatened to kill himself.  What I didn’t seem to qualify is that he’d also threatened to maim and kill me that day.

Even knowing he could turn those knives on me, and that I would be in close quarters with someone who was in the mindset of cutting off a part of his body, I ran into that room screaming.  I think I slipped and fell on the way in, but I managed to get in before he could block me out.

I talked him into handing the knives over to me, but only after being berated for screaming (didn’t I know the neighbours might hear?), and threatened to be gutted a few times -  verbally and with violent, threatening gestures.

Remembering this has made my whole body shudder and quake.  I wonder at my luck, sometimes; how on earth did I survive this man?

.

The Twelfth

For about three years we lived on a county road.  Our home was a detached “mother-in-law” suite on the property of a woman who really didn’t know how to maintain property.  

We had countless issues that never got resolved: the hot water heater purged itself onto the floor semi-regularly, the heat would suddenly and unexpectedly cease causing our pipes to freeze, the ceiling had holes in it that were supposed to be fixed before we moved in (hah) and we had a mouse problem like you’ve never seen.

He got me in the habit of romanticizing living in the middle of no where.  Parts of it I really did enjoy; I used to love running out there at night.  It was also quiet at night and dark, plus I could lay out on the back porch naked and no one was the wiser. 

But some of the very worst moments of my life are out there.

All those issues I listed above became the list of grievances he had against me.  We had to deal with these problems because I still wasn’t making enough money, and that was because I was a lazy stupid cunt with no ambition and no respect for him and how hard he had to work.

He screamed at me so hard some times that he gave himself a nose bleed.  I didn’t even know that was possible. The physical abuse really gained a foothold here, too.  

Which made sense.  There were fewer neighbours to hear me crying.

Mother of the Year

His sister really struggled with depression and suicidal ideation in her early teens.  It was very inconvenient for his parents.

His mother made him check on his sister sometimes “to make sure she hadn’t killed herself” because she just “couldn’t stomach it” anymore.

I .. just... what?  

The first time I ever heard the n word used in person, it was at his family’s dinner table.

I was dumbfounded.

I just woke up in my bed. In our bed. The paint,the furniture, the sounds. All our home. i could feel his leg against mine.

I wish i could say repulsion is what I feel. It's longing.

Tw - fat shaming

When he thought, at one point, i had put on too much weight he told me he would not stick with a woman who let herself go.

According to him, men don't like bigger women. In fact all men really like the same body type - very thin. Any man who says otherwise is just saying so for woke points.

Men who date bigger girls do so because they lack the confidence to pursue "better" women.

He didn't lack confidence, so I had to nip that issue in the bud. Or accept the consequences.

He told me he came to the realization that I was the woman he wanted to be with forever while beginning to fuck another woman.

He said he stopped it immediately upon this realization and came home to me.

I remember this night. I made him angry, so he spit screamed in my face and told me he was going to go out and cheat on me. So he did. And I was so dead inside that I didn't care. The time he was gone had a peace to it.

I don't believe for a minute that he "stopped." And would you believe he tried to spin that into a really sweet and meaningful moment for us?

Kettle meet Teapot

He was a cheater too.  I don’t think I ever mentioned that.

Funny enough, neither did he.