He Did Not Understand Sentimental Value. I Keep Little Things That People Give Me Or That Remind Me Of

He did not understand sentimental value. I keep little things that people give me or that remind me of special times.

Some people keep pictures in this way. These things are fabrics in the tapestry of your history But not to him. Junk. Hoarding. Wasting space.

His mom gave him old pictures of him and his family. He didn't care and was really angry when I insisted we keep them. So he made me hold on to them, and here I am still holding on to them out of guilt.

These things are all sacred. I am having such a terrible time trying to throw them out.

Because traumatized people often have trouble sensing what is going on in their bodies, they lack a nuanced response to frustration. They either react to stress by becoming “spaced out” or with excessive anger. Whatever their response, they often can’t tell what is upsetting them. This failure to be in touch with their bodies contributes to their well-documented lack of self-protection and high rates of revictimization and also to their remarkable difficulties feeling pleasure, sensuality, and having a sense of meaning.

“The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel van der Kolk

I was off for a few months owing to covid. It was the first time I have taken an extended breath since I was a teenager.

It gave the trauma time to catch up to me. I feel it all. I am so damn tired.

you do things despite feeling afraid. you get out of bed when your mind aches. you ask for help when you need it and try not to stay inside all day. you try to talk yourself out of bad choices. you search for the good things and beauty that are hard to notice. you tell yourself that things will get better, despite feeling otherwise. you treat yourself gently, even though you’re never far from wanting to return to square one. you try your best despite feeling tired. you’ve come a long way from where you started. you want to heal and you’re getting there. that’s something to be proud of.

I just want to thank you for sharing your experience and recovery. I've been with my husband for 20 years. The marriage is sexless because of his refusal to take care of himself for years and years as well as he is emotionally and verbally abusive. He never hits me but sometimes will pretend that he is going to or throw things at me and humiliate me. I'm in therapy and trying to be strong and leave but I don't know how yet. You are an inspiration to me. Thank you. ❤️

You sent this to me ages ago and I didn't have it in me to respond at the time. I'm sorry for that. I am also sorry for your current circumstances. Abuse is abuse and you don't need to try to fit your experience on some sort of spectrum of terribleness. It's all terrible. You deserve so much better and only he can be to blame for his treatment of you.

Leaving is complicated and difficult. You're incredibly brave and unbelievably strong for considering it and contemplating the steps to make it happen. But if you're not ready yet, it's ok. Leave when it's right for you.

In the meantime, know that you are worthy, exactly as you are right now. You are important and not those awful things he and your brain try to tell you.

Thank you for messaging me. It was so good of you to reach out.

-EDG

One time he nearly choked me out because he wore one of his socks inside out.