Phew!

Phew!

When we were teenagers, our plan was to “leapfrog”.  He was going to make a certain amount of money, and then I would have to do whatever I could to find a job that made more money.  Then we would reverse and repeat.

I finished university in 2010.  The job market was BLEAK.  He worked in the trades, and I had a philosophy degree.  Naturally, I worked in retail, and made no where near what he did.  He continued to move up in his position, and so did I, but I could never catch him. Throughout the years, this was the number one excuse he used to harm me.

Things have improved since then, though I still don’t make as much money as he did.  Recently, I wondered what would have happened if I had “leapfrogged” like he’d wanted me to.  Then I remembered a story.

About 10-12 years ago I applied to work for the RCMP.

(Don’t judge me man, I was young and desperate. I also had some romantic notion that I could help SA survivors as a detective. Knowing what I know now about the institution, I am VERY glad it didn’t work out for me )

He was furious with me for applying; he said he hated cops, but I think he hated the idea of me having authority (and access to a weapon) more.

Then he let his plans slip.  He told me if I became an RCMP officer, he would wait until I made excellent money and then leave me.  Then he would cash in on the spousal support and take money from me forever.

So sorry that didn’t work out you, brah.  I hope the woman you’re with now leaves you and takes every cent you have.

Oopsie.

You know when you know something is a bad idea, but you do it anyways?

Have any of you figured out how to curb that yet?

A prevailing symptom of my abuse is not believing myself when I don't feel well.

Today I am going to bed early.  My body is feeling symptoms of stress, and it’s high time I started listening to it.

He got in an accident on his bike and I found out by chance by googling his name and finding the GoFundMe. My very first instinct was to donate $$ to him. I didn't, but that's another post.

I was surprised by how much money he'd already received and the number of donors. He always said everyone is useless and incompetent, and that he doesn't have good people around him to rely on. He keeps friends and people around him purely based on their utility. When they cease to be useful, he removes them from his life.

So it's shocking that he's amassed thousands in support from dozens of people. There's people here who put down some serious cash for him.

I wonder if they'd give him a cent if they knew.

Does anyone else have this trauma symptom?

Thinking about my childhood and any pleasant things from it makes me cry. I just watched something that played the theme to Mr. Dress Up and I'm weeping.

I'm feeling it tonight. This shit is a bitch.

You know that feeling where you're eyes are burning, and you can't focus on anything because you're so exhausted, but your body is wired and so pumped up with cortisol and dread that you can barely sit let alone actually sleep?

I felt like that for 10 years straight.