Revelation

Revelation

The idea that people would be friends with their siblings was mind boggling for a long time.

I have two brothers who are significantly older than me (6 and 10.5 years). The age gap is enough I suppose to explain our lack of closeness, but it's definitely more than that.

When I was young I was desperate for validation from them, particularly the one closest to me in age. He had a lot of resentment for me as he believed I was the favourite. He also is a certifiable genius and I think that just makes a person more susceptible to being, well, an asshole.

I'm sure I was annoying; my desire for his time and companionship likely manifested itself in "obnoxious brat" form. But he made it a point to make me feel stupid, insignificant and unwanted at every opportunity. When he was angry with me he would hit me, usually across the head. I don't remember it processing further than that with him, but I began to associate insults and physical abuse with ' family' and 'loved ones'.

My eldest brother, well, I have recently confessed to my parents that he actually terrorized me. His bedroom was in the basement, and when I'd hear him coming up the stairs I would dive under the dining room table on instinct. On more than one occasion he would use me as a toy to abuse. "Play" too rough and accuse me of being ungrateful when I begged or whined for him to stop, cheat at games and deny it, break my toys in front of my face if I was irritating him. I still remember my feelings of helplessness.

When I was 7 or 8 he grabbed me by the throat, lifted me off the ground and pinned me to the front door. I have no idea what he was thinking or what a little kid could have done that would have sparked that kind of anger.

From there on in i would lock myself in the bathroom of my brothers got angry with me.

I was learning the basics of how to survive in a home with a monster.

Please stop.

I haven't been mentioning it because I've just been hoping it goes away. Looks like it won't.

He's been calling me every day without fail. Often multiple times a day. Today it's hit a new level. He got a new phone number and he's sending me cryptic messages hoping i answer ( i run a small side business, strangers text me occasionally if a friend refers them).

I have not responded to him in 12 weeks. Not a call, not an email, not a text. I have never said "Don't call me", but I feel I've been clear. And I'm losing it every time he calls. This phone change is another escalation. Is he just going to keep doing this?

Before you ask, he's violent and he knows where I live. This may be a false sense of security, but keeping the communication open lets me keep a guage his level of rage.

I don't know what to do.

It's been a year since I started prioritizing my finances over his precipitous whims. I have more money in savings than I have ever had in my life. Ever. And I'm about 45% through my total debt.

I will be entering 2019 free from debt. I'll have righted another wrong and one less reminder of the nightmare I survived.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel like he's watching me. I feel like i need to fucking relocate.

How did this become my reality?

Never going there again.

It was bound to fucking happen living in the same neighbourhood.

Went out for dinner with my folks. He and i used to be regulars at this place. On the way out the owner, who knew us, asked me “Where’s your other half?” Can’t say I wasn’t taken aback by the nerve of his question. As if it would be any of his fucking business.

“I don’t have another half. It’s just me.”

“I know,” he said, “because he just walked in here, took one look at you, said ‘oh nevermind’ and walked out.”

I know he would have seen my parents’ car walking in. I am suspicious it was no 'accident’ and he just lost his nerve. I didn’t see him but I still can’t breathe.

Fuckfuckfuckfuck.

I still feel guilt for telling him "forever" and not sticking to it.

Sorry for the meltdown last night. That was dramatic.