I Feel Like I'm Losing My Mind. I Feel Like He's Watching Me. I Feel Like I Need To Fucking Relocate.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel like he's watching me. I feel like i need to fucking relocate.

How did this become my reality?

Never going there again.

It was bound to fucking happen living in the same neighbourhood.

Went out for dinner with my folks. He and i used to be regulars at this place. On the way out the owner, who knew us, asked me “Where’s your other half?” Can’t say I wasn’t taken aback by the nerve of his question. As if it would be any of his fucking business.

“I don’t have another half. It’s just me.”

“I know,” he said, “because he just walked in here, took one look at you, said ‘oh nevermind’ and walked out.”

I know he would have seen my parents’ car walking in. I am suspicious it was no 'accident’ and he just lost his nerve. I didn’t see him but I still can’t breathe.

Fuckfuckfuckfuck.

Please stop.

I haven't been mentioning it because I've just been hoping it goes away. Looks like it won't.

He's been calling me every day without fail. Often multiple times a day. Today it's hit a new level. He got a new phone number and he's sending me cryptic messages hoping i answer ( i run a small side business, strangers text me occasionally if a friend refers them).

I have not responded to him in 12 weeks. Not a call, not an email, not a text. I have never said "Don't call me", but I feel I've been clear. And I'm losing it every time he calls. This phone change is another escalation. Is he just going to keep doing this?

Before you ask, he's violent and he knows where I live. This may be a false sense of security, but keeping the communication open lets me keep a guage his level of rage.

I don't know what to do.

Sorry for the meltdown last night. That was dramatic.

I try to pronounce words and names correctly.  Not in a pretentious “Oh, well actually, Gloria, the q is silent” type of way, but  a trying-to-be-respectful-and-not-a-shitty-white-person type of way.

He took a special interest in ridiculing me incessantly for this.  He made me feel like an idiot and insecure about every attempt I made. He loved it when I failed. I stopped trying when he was around.

Occasionally I have to make calls to clients at work.  I spend at least twice as much time practising their names under my breath as I do going over the details of their case. 

I still hear him laughing in my head.

I went out on my own tonight to listen to some jazz. I did not go out to pick up or attract attention, but I couldnt help, as i was looking in the mirror getting ready, feeling that I look old and tired.

You stole my 20s from me, you dick.

Oh but, heads up, if you hug me for 3 seconds longer than I am comfortable, I may panic and bite you.

I am an adult, and, I’m sorry, I can’t help the fact that I just need a damn hug today.