Never Going There Again.

Never going there again.

It was bound to fucking happen living in the same neighbourhood.

Went out for dinner with my folks. He and i used to be regulars at this place. On the way out the owner, who knew us, asked me "Where's your other half?" Can't say I wasn't taken aback by the nerve of his question. As if it would be any of his fucking business.

"I don't have another half. It's just me."

"I know," he said, "because he just walked in here, took one look at you, said 'oh nevermind' and walked out."

I know he would have seen my parents' car walking in. I am suspicious it was no 'accident' and he just lost his nerve. I didn't see him but I still can't breathe.

Fuckfuckfuckfuck.

Before you pass judgment on one who is self destructing….❤️

Mockery

TW - vague reference to sexual assualt, calling my assailant by what he is, coercion

After my assault my dislike for anal penetration skyrocketed. At the time he didn’t know the reason outside of the physical discomfort. Silly me for thinking “I just don’t want to, I don’t like it” is reason enough to not have to perform a sex act. Not having a “legitimate” reason for not wanting it made it fair game to badger me about it.  It wasn’t every day, but he regularly requested it, lamented my aversion, and using emotional blackmail to get it.  

Admittedly, I gave in quite a few times, which is how I managed to get to a point where it didn’t physically hurt anymore. However that did not mean that I enjoyed it.  

Each time was traumatizing to various degrees.  The event itself less so than  having to agree to that which was demanded of me by Rapist.  Mix in the stress of pending pain and discomfort, getting the prep just right (which included me fasting because I’m paranoid) and the anxiety of something going wrong (have I ever mentioned he was a germaphobe?) and you have the recipe for the  most unsexy sexual experiences I’ve ever agreed to.

I thought his attitude would have changed after he found out what had happened to me. 

I was very wrong. 

Sorry for the meltdown last night. That was dramatic.

Of course.

Please stop.

I haven't been mentioning it because I've just been hoping it goes away. Looks like it won't.

He's been calling me every day without fail. Often multiple times a day. Today it's hit a new level. He got a new phone number and he's sending me cryptic messages hoping i answer ( i run a small side business, strangers text me occasionally if a friend refers them).

I have not responded to him in 12 weeks. Not a call, not an email, not a text. I have never said "Don't call me", but I feel I've been clear. And I'm losing it every time he calls. This phone change is another escalation. Is he just going to keep doing this?

Before you ask, he's violent and he knows where I live. This may be a false sense of security, but keeping the communication open lets me keep a guage his level of rage.

I don't know what to do.