Before You Pass Judgment On One Who Is Self Destructing.

Before you pass judgment on one who is self destructing….❤️

It’s Magic.

I have been trying to write this post for three days. I’m finding it difficult to put my head into words.

I struggle with Magical Thinking.  Ex): I was horrible to my mother as a teenager, and some of his rants sounded like things 14 year old me would have said.  So, naturally, the torture I endured for 13 years must be punishment for this.

It’s .. bonkers and I know that, but I don’t always, know it.

I believe a lot of the shitty things that have happened to me are the result of decisions I have made even though the links ... well... there aren’t any. This is my brain making connections that don’t actually exist - like I have a conspiracy theorist living inside my head.  And that conspiracy theorist is a jackass.

Because not only do I blame myself for, well, everything, I’ve learned to negotiate with my inner conspiracy theorist jackass that if I suffer enough,  perhaps I can forgive myself for past mistakes and prevent future horrors. 

I think i have always had these issues, but honestly, I have a hard time remembering the details of my mental state prior to him.  What I can say for certain was that he made these thing worse.

On top of also blaming me for everything, he especially reinforced the you-must-be-punished-for-your-crimes-real-or-imaginary mentality.  

He did lots of the punishing himself, but he had me do it too.  I learned how to self harm without any of the tell-tale signs.  

Mockery

TW - vague reference to sexual assualt, calling my assailant by what he is, coercion

After my assault my dislike for anal penetration skyrocketed. At the time he didn’t know the reason outside of the physical discomfort. Silly me for thinking “I just don’t want to, I don’t like it” is reason enough to not have to perform a sex act. Not having a “legitimate” reason for not wanting it made it fair game to badger me about it.  It wasn’t every day, but he regularly requested it, lamented my aversion, and using emotional blackmail to get it.  

Admittedly, I gave in quite a few times, which is how I managed to get to a point where it didn’t physically hurt anymore. However that did not mean that I enjoyed it.  

Each time was traumatizing to various degrees.  The event itself less so than  having to agree to that which was demanded of me by Rapist.  Mix in the stress of pending pain and discomfort, getting the prep just right (which included me fasting because I’m paranoid) and the anxiety of something going wrong (have I ever mentioned he was a germaphobe?) and you have the recipe for the  most unsexy sexual experiences I’ve ever agreed to.

I thought his attitude would have changed after he found out what had happened to me. 

I was very wrong. 

He told me his mother used to read him this story when he was a child. She told him that the moral of the story was that you shouldn’t be generous with people because they’ll just want more and more from you.

Of course.

Revelation

The idea that people would be friends with their siblings was mind boggling for a long time.

I have two brothers who are significantly older than me (6 and 10.5 years). The age gap is enough I suppose to explain our lack of closeness, but it's definitely more than that.

When I was young I was desperate for validation from them, particularly the one closest to me in age. He had a lot of resentment for me as he believed I was the favourite. He also is a certifiable genius and I think that just makes a person more susceptible to being, well, an asshole.

I'm sure I was annoying; my desire for his time and companionship likely manifested itself in "obnoxious brat" form. But he made it a point to make me feel stupid, insignificant and unwanted at every opportunity. When he was angry with me he would hit me, usually across the head. I don't remember it processing further than that with him, but I began to associate insults and physical abuse with ' family' and 'loved ones'.

My eldest brother, well, I have recently confessed to my parents that he actually terrorized me. His bedroom was in the basement, and when I'd hear him coming up the stairs I would dive under the dining room table on instinct. On more than one occasion he would use me as a toy to abuse. "Play" too rough and accuse me of being ungrateful when I begged or whined for him to stop, cheat at games and deny it, break my toys in front of my face if I was irritating him. I still remember my feelings of helplessness.

When I was 7 or 8 he grabbed me by the throat, lifted me off the ground and pinned me to the front door. I have no idea what he was thinking or what a little kid could have done that would have sparked that kind of anger.

From there on in i would lock myself in the bathroom of my brothers got angry with me.

I was learning the basics of how to survive in a home with a monster.