I Think I Lost Myself.

i think i lost myself.

“i have loved you like i wish somebody had loved me. do you know how hard it is to give something you don’t have?”

picture in her locket.

“and there is this picture in her locket

it reminds me of you

and she wears it close

just like how i used to do

and i used to long for your rusty eyes

i hope she does too

and when my character dies

i pray the news reaches you

and when my ashes are found

i wish you know that the fire were you.”

hey, everyone. i hope you're doing well. okay, so let’s talk about this piece. this is probably the longest piece i have ever written. even though it’s really simple, i just thought that i would give you a little backstory for it.

this, as you can see, is a story that revolves around three people. i like to call them;

cedar coral (the male character), rosary hemlock (the female character) and ivy nightshade (the other female character and also the narrator. and um, i also like to think that i am ivy).

anyways, rosary cleaves a locket that posses something that ivy thinks should be hers. even though, she has lost all rights to it, and she knows that it’s off-limits.

cedar, on the other hand is now madly in love with rosary. he has moved on into this beautiful relationship with this beautiful girl, that he knows is the one.

ivy, she hasn’t moved on. though she portrays that image, but she’s stuck. still stuck in the waves of memories that never seem to hit the shore.

she can’t help, but to bring his name up in every conversation. she can’t just let him go. as if it’s imprinted on her soul, her heart, her mind, her body and everything cedar ever managed to touch.

though she blames him for everything. the heartaches, the shattered glass vase on the floor that screams anger and agony and all the tears that came along when they both parted ways, but she still longs for him. she still wants him back.

she keeps on forgetting the reason why cedar left. the reason why he had to leave. she believes that she’s harmless, but then again she’s ivy.

all in all, ivy’s a toxic bitch. pray for cedar and rosary.

empty hope.

empty hope, but somehow in some way that is enough.

poster art by vasilis marmatakis.

the destination is your door.

“i ask myself why i use

my delicately hand-finished parchment sheet,

my most expensive kalamos reed

and my finest vellum ink

to write letters to you, that i know will never reach your door.”

hey, everyone. i hope you’re having a great day. okay, so explanation time. kalamos means reed pen. Some other words for kalamos are calamus and qalam. qalam is an arabic word that means pen.

parchment paper, the word parchment doesn’t refer to the parchment paper that is prepared from animal skin or membrane. vellum is another term for this material, and if vellum is distinguished from this, it is by vellum being made from calfskin.

this one refers to the modern imitation vellum that is made from plasticized rag cotton or fibers from interior tree bark. terms include: paper vellum, japanese vellum, and vegetable vellum. paper vellum is usually translucent and its various sizes are often used in applications where tracing is required, such as architectural plans.

in simpler words, this pieces explains a scenario where a person takes measures that they would never take in a normal situation. they go over to the top. do their best. put all their effort in, but it’s of no use. their efforts mean nothing to that specific someone.

there were these lines that were stuck in my head for the longest time ever and i wanted to use them. they are,

“i use my favourite hues for your painting.

had my time pushed back so i wouldn’t keep you waiting.”

anyways, ‘never reach your door’ the term reach the door usually means finally reaching your destination. here the destination of the person who’s saying/writing this, is their lover or the person they are trying to please.

so yeah. there’s that.

hand to hold.

“hold my hand, will you?” “always.”

meredith crash - sequel to highway to hell.

“remember when we got into that car crash?

the sight that flashed before my eyes was your face

engine killed, lying there, battered and bare

the only rhythm i could hear was, “we are going to be okay.”

and that ride to the hospital

i think that was when i forgot your name

sirens wailed, dawn air, teary eyes holding foreign despair

must have had you thinking that choosing me was your truest crime.”

um, this was better in my head?

probably should’ve done this before. you’re already familiar with ivy nightshade, she’s from the ‘picture in her locket’ series.

so in my mind ivy finally moves on from her past and starts a new life, and you know similar to how every other story has that nice character who randomly shows up and magically makes everything fine- rheum oleander is that character.

rheum has got his life sorted out. he’s fine. everything’s perfect, and then he just had to meet ivy. ivy’s got a lot of emotional baggage. she’s trying to live and learn- both at the same time.

the thing about characters like rheum is that they are always there somehow. need a shoulder to cry? they are there. need someone to talk to? they are there. need a friend? they are there. a friend to meet after work? they are there. a friend to run errands with? they are there. need a stranger with all your secrets? they are there.

they are always there, but they are temporary. especially in ivy’s case. even though she has moved on from her past, there’s this feeling that bothers her all the time. the feeling of being not enough. the feeling that reminds you that you can never be happy. the feeling that reminds you that you can never make someone else happy.

rheum was there for everything, but everything was temporary. he was trying to build a home in ivy’s life and it was for nothing.

the line, “and that ride to the hospital, i think that was when i forgot your name.” explains how insignificant was rheum in ivy’s life. ivy was rheum’s centrefold, but to her, he was just a page in the book of her life.

it doesn’t mean ivy’s a bad person. hurt people, hurt people. as much as it is unbelievable, it’s true.