Tumblr Diary - Tumblr Posts
On Today's Journal:
I was trying to recreate an Amapola's flower into a character, so I research on my library and found this lovely images from an Encyclopedia.
I found plenty of information that is easily resumed just for anyone to comprehend. I had forgotten how interesting and entertaining was to navigate through the pages of a book like this was. So it was a pleasure to re-discover the beauty.
And at the end of my navigation, I found that Amapola is a beautiful flower that comes in some many Illustrated Dictionary and Encyclopedia books. Even if is prohibited this is a beautiful flower. So here is what I draw.
Week 5's diary spread.
empty hope.
empty hope, but somehow in some way that is enough.
poster art by vasilis marmatakis.
fatima aamer bilal, from even flesh eaters don’t want me.
[text id: i would knit my flesh into yours to patch up your wounds.]
fatima aamer bilal, from even flesh eaters don’t want me.
[text id: i will know you in mindlessness.]
fatima aamer bilal, from my heart has claws.
[text id: now what am i supposed to do with my hands if i can’t hold yours?”]
fatima aamer bilal, from days where my whole world is my bed.
[text id: my father wanted a national hero, but settled for me. / rotten marrow and a liability.]
Do you know how many times I have to stop myself from sending my children’s father updates on them and our unborn? At least once a day.
There is so much he’s missing out on, like cute milestones or pictures, but it’s not my job to catch him up if he chooses not to be involved or doesn’t care to know about his kids…🤷🏻♀️
what I have been doing (a lot) for the last 2 weeks
Since Corona Virus outbreak, I have a lot of time to stay at home and get some rest for the past two weeks (because I had 2 days off after every one shift at Emergency Room). I should admit that I really enjoy the time I have spent staying at home before going back to the same routine again for another two weeks. I have been doing a lot of things that I haven't got the chance to do because I was too busy or tired to do them, like reading comic books, dance / Zumba practice, and watching anime, and writing on my Tumblr page.
I have been reading Detective Conan (Case Closed) comic books since the volume 1 released, and since I got a lot of free time, I am catching up the stories, I even bought the comics online to catch the stories I have missed. I also have been watching old anime such as Cardcaptor Sakura and Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card - both are my all time favorite anime. Well I also started to do dance / Zumba practice at home by watching You Tube dance tutorial to get back in shape (I have gained 4 kg since I got married and no, I am not pregnant - not yet).
Tomorrow I will be back to the same routine after 2 weeks working at the ER. I might not have as many day-offs as I have during my ER period, but I am looking forward to learn something new at my current sub division of Internal Medicine, also still looking forward to the day that this corona outbreak end.
Stay safe. Stay healthy. Stay at home. God bless.
i kinda wanna draw some grindledore.
oh wait i draw like shit.
i like cantopop.
oh boy politics.
i'm typing this out as a brandon rogers interview plays in the background.
haha.
it's ten pm. help
diary stories w pink 🤍
finally (kind of?) made a move !
so long story short I txted him (I have before but not just randomly)
i asked how he was and what he was up to and basically we just talked for a lil bit, and eventually he got concerned for me cuz I was barely awake and he said I should really get some sleep lmao soo we had to go but yesss I did it. IM PROUD OF MYSELF OML (I literally did nothing but basic human interaction but still)
(august ~ 26 ~ 2024)
Dear God,
My heart is pounding, chest warm. I feel oddly closer to you like this.
It’s a beautiful night. The wind is wild wispies through the pine trees outside my window. It’s 2 AM. I should’ve been asleep hours ago but my sleeping schedule is nonexistent thanks to covid.
I’m not sure what to do with my life. Its been on standstill since last spring break.
I don’t know what my calling is. I mean, sure, I want to be a teacher. It’s just taking so long and I need a way to express myself.
Painting, drawing, writing, sculpting...
It’s all good God given talents but I don’t know what to do with them.
Why bother when the paintings mean nothing, the drawings fade and the writing is forgotten? All there is, is you Lord.
I’m conflicted. Nothing matters and it’s all to be eaten by moths and turned to dust.
Nothing can compare to the natural beauty you have made. No camera can capture the vibrancy of the desert mountain. No color matches the scent of the rose.
Why am I here, when I’d much rather be with you? Why have me do things on Earth when it all fades to a dying star?
Your daughter,
F
(P.S- These are such thoughts I think at night as I listen to the late winter wind and watch my lava lamp churn. I’ve decided that I want to write my musings and prayers here. Don’t mind me.)
Dear God,
Today was so-so. My feet are cold. I’m laying here with them curled and tucked under blankets. Still they are ice cubes.
I know I have a lot to be thankful for. At least it’s not as cold here as other places in America.
I liked-no, loved the snow. Something about how it’s a white blanket draped over the desert mesquite. It’s just so cool.
I stuck my hand out the front grated door and smiled. It melted on my warm skin, that powdered sugared snow.
When I said ‘thank you God for the snow’ I felt it in my bones. Along with the chilled draft. (I was only wearing a short sleeping dress) that was days ago. Mom called it an ‘Arctic freeze’. Some of her prophetic YouTube people are saying that storms are coming and the Earth will quake. I’ll just be as I’ve always been, just here chilling.
Hopefully you have a plan for me to do, cause as it is right now, my life is pretty boring. I’ll be waiting on you. Come hell or high water (or even Arctic Freezes) Don’t forget me and help me to not forget you.
Yours,
F
Dear God,
You ever find out someone you loved has moved on?
Yeah- it hurts. like a black hole ripping out your insides, your chest a whirling mass of just mess.
I guess that’s a bit like the book of Hosea. Your version of heartbreak is incomparable. Like, you created each person, sculpted them in the womb and then we daily cheat on you. Not only is it a sucky relationship but we are condemning our souls to the pits of hell for all of time.
That’s way more than just getting bummed out that my favorite musician is married and I’m single. It’s even more than the fact that my ex has a new girlfriend.
It’s all pretty trivial I guess, in that scope. Still, it’s hard to zoom out of the black hole. To grab onto that slippery side and pull myself out. It’s a downwards spiral and I miss your light.
Maybe someday you’ll give me a man to love. A mate to pour out a part of my soul onto. I’ve been waiting for years for that.
But maybe you won’t and I’ll die alone. My mom says everyone dies alone anyways. I only take parts of her words since she’s married and trying to comfort me.
Anyways, I’ll be here. Waiting, with black hole, bitterness and all. Don’t call me Mara yet.
Yours,
F
Dear God,
How can I talk to you? Why does it feel empty sometimes. Maybe it’s just a reflection of my soul.
I think of my depression. How it snuck up on me like the boiling of a frog in hot water.
I assume the knob starting turning in middle school. Each degree an issue that wasn’t quite settled right. Never knowing why my biological father didn’t see me again. Wondering why I could never be as smart and pretty as my stepsister.
Why I’ve always been alone.
I thought the loneliness didn’t bother me. Since middle school I’d skip lunch and go to the library, alone. I read Edgar Allan Poe. Annabel Lee spoke to me on some level. No one else ever did.
I’m tired of being isolated. I want friends (as much as a geeky introvert can) and I want you.
I want you to look at me and see yourself reflected back. Rid me of this dark depression, this melancholy that soaks up all the light. Return me to that little girl. The one true self of my selves. Who you created me to be. She reaches out in that darkness to you. Please answer me.
Your daughter,
F
(not mine but this fits the mood)
What makes us human? Like really human. I watched a YouTube video on 911 calls and something struck me.
This man was drugging and abducting other men and chaining them in this basement. A victim, John Doe, escaped and ran. He was lost, only wearing a kilt in winter and bleeding from his mouth. He had no shoes and ran to multiple houses and knocked on neighbor’s doors to get at least an address. He talks to them but they won’t help at all. Wont even let a bleeding, shoeless and scared man into their house. The cops showed up just as the assailant caught John Doe.
I know the psycho chaining up people was the bad guy and should get all the blame but part of me is upset with the bystanders. If you don’t help others then what’s the true meaning of life? All the rest of stuff disappears, all possessions, fame, glory, gold. It only our actions.
That’s why I wouldn’t consider those bystanders as humans. They weren’t acting like it and merely worked on a superficial animus level.
I got my hair cut today. Cut off a good chunk of the dead ends and got bangs. It’s so crazy how a haircut makes you feel better. Like the bit of small talk, fingers through your hair and the light dampness just refreshes me. I’m like a slightly sexier version of myself when I step out.
So good I even got myself some vanilla chai latte at Starbucks. I got compliments on my red flowery dress (it’s not my cutest one) and now I’m watching the busy traffic in front of me.
Covid quarantine is still a thing so the sitting area is closed. So drinking my tea in my car, windows rolled down and cool wind whipping my hair. The sunlight is still a hot spot on my arm but the wind is nice. The desert is odd like that.
Anyways I might draw the rocky median between me and the road, I might not though. It’s getting warmer.
Why you don’t need to be exceptional
This is an interesting idea because it not only shows us the root of our shame it also gives insight into what breeds creative block.
We feel we need to be the ‘BEST’ and none of the rest matter. But what if I told you, you were enough? What if instead of comparing yourself to creative geniuses across the world I told you to simply be the best in your inner circle.
That’s the downside of the internet, we see (usually only partially what the poster seems worthy of showing) and we compare. This can be said in not only our hobbies but also social lives. (Hence why I don’t use Facebook)
((Not my video or comment below. The comment was on a random Science YouTube video but it’s so right and matching this topic so well.))
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pvgfucVF5cU&list=LL&index=489
Hey girl, it’s okay if your mother is disappointed with you. Don’t let that get you down. You’re trying hard and it’s a hard scary world out there. I get that you’re scared. Timing is important and so is preparedness. Personally I think it’s better to be on the safe side than not and possibly letting those people down. And the stress. Sure your mom lives with so much stress but that not healthy, for her or you. Is the stress really worth the money? No. So chin up pretty girl and when you show your colors you’ll move mountains.
Dear Diary,
I’m here waiting for the classes I’ll be subbing for to start. I’m two hours early like usual. It’s been a hectic week. My sister moved and didn’t pack/get ready enough. Then my mom’s brother is dying, so they returned from their vacation with my aunt. Late in the night they left to see him before he died. I feel okay but empty, tired but not at the same time. What’s the meaning of my life? It’s a question that haunts me. Nihilism sucks.