I Havent Posted On Here In Awhile.

I haven’t posted on here in awhile.

My feelings toward social media have changed significantly in the past two years. I’m 28 now, so that means when I was 26 I completely lost any desire to be active on any social platform.

I can’t explain how I just abruptly stopped posting on everything — Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and I never gave TikTok a chance. I don’t know how to even use TikTok and I don’t really have any desire to.

Sometimes I try to figure out why I lost interest in social media. I’ve mulled over the possibilities, like maybe it’s because I’m getting older now and I’ve been active on social media since I was 12 years old.

Or perhaps in my quest to figure out how to love myself, protect my peace, and practice mindfulness — all of which I was oblivious to until two years ago — that I realized the more privacy I had in my life, the more peaceful I began to feel.

Or perhaps I discovered that making my life so accessible for anyone to see added absolutely no value to my life.

Maybe it’s a combination of all those things — and maybe I’ll be active on social media again one day, but for now, I really only desire a safe place where I can write.

Words have always been a finicky thing for me, as I’m not the most eloquent speaker. It’s difficult for me to process and convert the thoughts inside of my brain into words that come out of my mouth. Let’s just say that I’m not the most articulate speaker.

But that’s why I love to write, and why I’ve always been an avid writer. (Currently I have 643 entries in my “Notes” app on my iPhone — and 120 notes in the recently deleted folder, if that tells you anything.)

Normally I would keep a journal, but in the last year I developed psoriasis on the palm of my dominant hand. As you can imagine, having cracked open skin hinders me from writing with a pen and paper — amongst a ton of other everyday tasks (like opening a water bottle) when it flares up.

So here I am… back on Tumblr. Even after Tumblr went dark and everybody transitioned to new platforms, I always return to it due to the familiarity of it.

I am truly an introvert — being a Taurus, I am completely content in my solitude. Being self sufficient is something I can’t not do. It’s essential for me to give myself two layers of stability in my life — because one isn’t enough. As well as a sense of control over myself, my emotions, my environment, my finances, etc. This causes me to “mind my business” as I like to call it, but really I have zero friends. None at all.

My lifelong bestfriend moved to Florida and we lost touch. I miss her — but I’m happy that she got away from Indiana. I love her enough to realize that she can finally be happy now. Primarily due to putting the most distance between her and her abusive family who made her childhood hell on earth and left her traumatized. Her parents were so horrible that when we were both 15, my mom let her come live with us. We lived in public housing (the projects), but we were blessed to have a four bedroom apartment so she could have her own room. I’m so proud of the woman she has became, and although we don’t speak, I will always love her and would kill for her with no hesitation. I truly do miss her presence though.

But aside from that, I have no friends. I have an eight year old Pitbull who I consider to be my child, and as for my relationship? My significant other… well he’s in prison. And I love him all the same.

So a lot of what you’ll find here is a bunch of everything. I majored in Criminal Justice in college as an undergrad, so you’ll discover I’m passionate about the justice system and the penal system in America. More specifically, I’m intrigued with all of the ways America does “rehabilitation” completely wrong, and the injustices and lifelong consequences it has on a human being, even long after they’ve been released.

I also write quite a bit of poetry.

“The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons.”

- Fyodor Dostoevsky, “The House of the Dead”

CHANGES

I don't think like I used to

Love was never my friend

Isolation was an answer

Losing my mind, I guess

Hijacked, robbed of my control

Empty mind, you can knock, nobodys home

Learned you quickly, I hated to see you go

You gave me a love I have never known

You are tangled into my soul

With you I’m safe, your arms feel like home

What I hate the most is you’re really gone

So my heart is locked up & you have the master key

Which means until they let you go, I’ll never be free

And sometimes your absence haunts me

Feels like I’m coming apart at the seams

A little dramatic? Maybe

But I can’t help what you do to me

Fuck being sad, I feel incomplete

Tell me how to stay alive with half a heartbeat

So many miles and hours left to see

Far apart, years between

The ones I love the most I never get to keep

Promise me one thing

When you come back

Please don’t ever leave

10.02.2023

3:07 A.M.

🩶

IDOC

People say stay away from you

& I tell them to fuck off

Let them talk & let them judge

I’m a fool for your love & irs just the two of us

Take a chance roll the dice,

Life ain’t fair & love don’t play nice

But me and you, you & I

As long as I got your heart, you can have mine

Space & distance don’t factor in

And I forgot about all the time you gotta spend

Away from me — locks & bars & keys

Miles apart but I still know your heartbeat

Think of me instead of the concrete

Go to sleep, sweet dreams

And when the sun comes up again, you’ll be one day closer to me

10.02.2023

1:56 A.M.

⏳

i'm only truly happy when i'm too high to feel

when the world seems more like a dream & completely unreal

most days I’d do anything not to feel

let’s get high & drink, smoke, pop pills

i probably won’t ever stop, it’s my only thrill

feel better for awhile & tell myself to chill

it’s just bandaid over a bullet hole, this shit will never really heal

08.28.2023

2:31 A.M.

🌬️

LOVE BRINGS HATE

It never comes quite at the right time

When it finally does, you don’t get to keep it

It gets you so high, but it’s fleeting

You’ll be on the floor begging “don’t leave me”

Like a drug you crave it, scratching & feigning

But that never really stops it from leaving

It leaves you broken & bleeding

It looks so ugly but it’s taste is the sweetest

Makes fools of once logical people

A war between good and evil

Love, what a beautiful demon

09.17.2023

4:40 A.M.

🖤