CHANGES

CHANGES

I don't think like I used to

Love was never my friend

Isolation was an answer

Losing my mind, I guess

Hijacked, robbed of my control

Empty mind, you can knock, nobodys home

Learned you quickly, I hated to see you go

You gave me a love I have never known

You are tangled into my soul

With you I’m safe, your arms feel like home

What I hate the most is you’re really gone

So my heart is locked up & you have the master key

Which means until they let you go, I’ll never be free

And sometimes your absence haunts me

Feels like I’m coming apart at the seams

A little dramatic? Maybe

But I can’t help what you do to me

Fuck being sad, I feel incomplete

Tell me how to stay alive with half a heartbeat

So many miles and hours left to see

Far apart, years between

The ones I love the most I never get to keep

Promise me one thing

When you come back

Please don’t ever leave

10.02.2023

3:07 A.M.

🩶

CAUTERIZATION

When life gets hard

I get high

Smoke in my lungs

With tears in my eyes

Clouds of bad habits

Billow up at the sky

Say it’s unhealthy,

You’re probably right

But I couldn’t care,

It’s how I get by

Pain is a drug to me

I lack the ability to react emotionally

Pain is normal,

A common thing

Distorting the lines of reality

And even though I know

It may one day kill me

As lethal as it may be

I don’t ever ask it to leave

Desperation… to feel anything

I would let all the hurt, swallow me

And to explain it; there is no analogy

It’s all in my soul, you see

Nothing I could write,

Nothing you could ever read

Could make another human being

Feel just how it feels,

to feel absolutely nothing

03.17.2024

2:45 A.M.

He’s still in the county jail, they haven’t taken him to prison yet. Said his out date would be some time in 2028. I don’t see how it could be that soon, somebody probably miscalculated & I’m not getting my hopes up. I hope I can change in the years that he isn’t around. I hope I can get my shit together. I think I will. I know I will. I’ll be 28 next month. I wanna be happy again.

PSA:

You cannot put everyone on. You will drown trying to rescue the people who were never taught to swim.

GHOST OF ME

I guess I’m dreaming,

about you

Don’t wanna see your face

But when I fall asleep

It’s something I can’t shake

The images of you

Everything I wanted us to be

What we could have been

Only exists inside my dreams

But It felt like love, I think

I guess I wanted to believe

But I was young and untouched,

Never realized I was being too naive

Your aftertaste still on my tongue,

It’s nasty, it’s bittersweet

I never knew what hindsight was

But now I see you perfectly

Everything was make believe

I fell into a love that would never be

But i still can’t help remembering

The way your voice would surround me,

Your laugh is engraved deep into my memory,

Your name is a scar branded on my skin for the world to see

And when I finally sleep

I have wild dreams

Behind my eyelids I escape my reality

and I go to a place,

Somewhere far away,

Where everything is frozen in time and space

When you and I were one in the same

But now I don’t even get to hear your name

All I hear is my voice echoing

Behind my eyelids I can see your face

But I can never get to you,

I’m always running in place

It’s a sick game to play

Then it’s over, and I am awake

You came like a plague

And I couldn’t see

All the damage that you’d do

And how permanent it would be

What are you, a man or a beast?

Sick in the head — depravity

Looking at me like a piece of meat

Something to hunt, something to eat

You crawled into my sheets

Slept next to me

What I thought was love was insanity

I never thought you were a thief

You walked right out with everything

My body, my soul, my sanity

You took things that are not yours to keep

And now my existence is only the ghost of me

She paces constantly, and sometimes I hear her sing

She haunts me when I’m awake,

And wakes me when I’m asleep

12.11.2023

5:47 A.M.

A Text About How Dark My Mind Can Get Sometimes:

I fell asleep. I’ve been exhausted lately. I really need to get my mental health under control or something. My ADD is like unbearable, I get so overwhelmed because my brain can’t focus on one thing then it gets overloaded and shuts down so I end up doing absolutely nothing. That’s when my depression kicks in because I feel guilty for not doing normal things or doing things “correctly” and then I feel an insane amount of guilt or like I should be farther in life by now.

Sometimes you don’t know what a person is going through. I know I may have upset you by not replying but you do not understand what it feels like to be me, just as I don’t understand what it feels like to be you.

And no matter what mood I’m in, I won’t ever be mean to you or say things to hurt your feelings.

I know that everybody has their own issues, life is hard sometimes, so I would never want to bring any negativity into your life, because life already has enough negative things that it likes to throw at us.

So in the future, all I ask of you is to just think before you say something out of frustration please.

LOVE BRINGS HATE

It never comes quite at the right time

When it finally does, you don’t get to keep it

It gets you so high, but it’s fleeting

You’ll be on the floor begging “don’t leave me”

Like a drug you crave it, scratching & feigning

But that never really stops it from leaving

It leaves you broken & bleeding

It looks so ugly but it’s taste is the sweetest

Makes fools of once logical people

A war between good and evil

Love, what a beautiful demon

09.17.2023

4:40 A.M.

🖤