LOVE BRINGS HATE

LOVE BRINGS HATE

It never comes quite at the right time

When it finally does, you don’t get to keep it

It gets you so high, but it’s fleeting

You’ll be on the floor begging “don’t leave me”

Like a drug you crave it, scratching & feigning

But that never really stops it from leaving

It leaves you broken & bleeding

It looks so ugly but it’s taste is the sweetest

Makes fools of once logical people

A war between good and evil

Love, what a beautiful demon

09.17.2023

4:40 A.M.

🖤

i'm only truly happy when i'm too high to feel

when the world seems more like a dream & completely unreal

most days I’d do anything not to feel

let’s get high & drink, smoke, pop pills

i probably won’t ever stop, it’s my only thrill

feel better for awhile & tell myself to chill

it’s just bandaid over a bullet hole, this shit will never really heal

08.28.2023

2:31 A.M.

🌬️

CINDER BLOCK ON MY CHEST

In the dead of night, usually around 3AM

My head is spinning with thoughts of everything we did

And all of the words I wish I could’ve said — but I didn’t

Then feel like I can’t breathe, the guilt sinks too far in

I wish I could just ask you,

What could I have done to make you stay?

I thought I could change your fate

But the debt was just too much to pay

And as much as I hate to say

It’s just a little too long, I tried to wait

All of these years

Now it’s just too late

08.09.2023

4:10 A.M.

BACK TO PRISON

Tried to tell you when you leave imma be lost

Well here I am just like I said, staring at a fucking wall

I told you that you’d be gone

My mind is wandering & I have nobody to call

Soon I’ll just be numb to everything & I hope I never care at all

I did this to myself tho, I knew I was gonna break my own heart

You said you’d catch me if I fall

How could you give me everything I ever wanted

Just to turn around and let them take it all

Try to take it day by day, you tell me to stay strong

But I’m not as strong as you think I am, and just like my tears I fall

I don’t know anymore, I just sit where you once were and wonder where you are

I’ll never not think of you, and I’m always hoping that you call

08.28.2023

2:43 P.M.

⛓️

ASTIGMATISM

I miss you more than you know

It’s probably bad for my health

But you know like I know

We just gotta play the hand that we’re dealt

And if that means we can’t be

Together, right now or even forever

At least I still see your face in my dreams

And all of our memories, I’ll keep

The hands on a clock don’t stop, don’t rewind

But I want to go back, when you were mine

You’re gone but I don’t understand why

I’m falling apart, why do you seem just fine?

All I see is us in my mind

You ripped the sun from my sky

And when you leave me like this

There really ain’t no sunshine

Asking God if I could just go back

To the exact moment in time

To the night that I met you

I knew the stars had aligned

—

We could have made it, right?

Does it keep you up at night?

Does it make you wonder?

Does it eat you alive?

Have to tell myself lie after lie

Or I’d end up going out my mind

And I know it’s not my fault,

But I should’ve kept you inside

Cant no motherfucking body say that I didn’t try

I would’ve laid down and died

Pathetic but fuck it

You were my entire life

God only knows how much of my soul went with you

I’m just a ghost you left behind

And maybe we coulda been fine

Maybe not, but I wonder all the time

And ain’t it Fucked up how only now you realize

My love for you was more than alive

Took for granted, Jesus Christ

Now all you can do is sit and watch it die

No closure, nothing

You can’t even say goodbye

Then all of a sudden

Everything is 20/20

Like damn, I should have seen it coming

Hindsight

09.20.2023

2:18 A.M.

🔍

I haven’t posted on here in awhile.

My feelings toward social media have changed significantly in the past two years. I’m 28 now, so that means when I was 26 I completely lost any desire to be active on any social platform.

I can’t explain how I just abruptly stopped posting on everything — Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and I never gave TikTok a chance. I don’t know how to even use TikTok and I don’t really have any desire to.

Sometimes I try to figure out why I lost interest in social media. I’ve mulled over the possibilities, like maybe it’s because I’m getting older now and I’ve been active on social media since I was 12 years old.

Or perhaps in my quest to figure out how to love myself, protect my peace, and practice mindfulness — all of which I was oblivious to until two years ago — that I realized the more privacy I had in my life, the more peaceful I began to feel.

Or perhaps I discovered that making my life so accessible for anyone to see added absolutely no value to my life.

Maybe it’s a combination of all those things — and maybe I’ll be active on social media again one day, but for now, I really only desire a safe place where I can write.

Words have always been a finicky thing for me, as I’m not the most eloquent speaker. It’s difficult for me to process and convert the thoughts inside of my brain into words that come out of my mouth. Let’s just say that I’m not the most articulate speaker.

But that’s why I love to write, and why I’ve always been an avid writer. (Currently I have 643 entries in my “Notes” app on my iPhone — and 120 notes in the recently deleted folder, if that tells you anything.)

Normally I would keep a journal, but in the last year I developed psoriasis on the palm of my dominant hand. As you can imagine, having cracked open skin hinders me from writing with a pen and paper — amongst a ton of other everyday tasks (like opening a water bottle) when it flares up.

So here I am… back on Tumblr. Even after Tumblr went dark and everybody transitioned to new platforms, I always return to it due to the familiarity of it.

I am truly an introvert — being a Taurus, I am completely content in my solitude. Being self sufficient is something I can’t not do. It’s essential for me to give myself two layers of stability in my life — because one isn’t enough. As well as a sense of control over myself, my emotions, my environment, my finances, etc. This causes me to “mind my business” as I like to call it, but really I have zero friends. None at all.

My lifelong bestfriend moved to Florida and we lost touch. I miss her — but I’m happy that she got away from Indiana. I love her enough to realize that she can finally be happy now. Primarily due to putting the most distance between her and her abusive family who made her childhood hell on earth and left her traumatized. Her parents were so horrible that when we were both 15, my mom let her come live with us. We lived in public housing (the projects), but we were blessed to have a four bedroom apartment so she could have her own room. I’m so proud of the woman she has became, and although we don’t speak, I will always love her and would kill for her with no hesitation. I truly do miss her presence though.

But aside from that, I have no friends. I have an eight year old Pitbull who I consider to be my child, and as for my relationship? My significant other… well he’s in prison. And I love him all the same.

So a lot of what you’ll find here is a bunch of everything. I majored in Criminal Justice in college as an undergrad, so you’ll discover I’m passionate about the justice system and the penal system in America. More specifically, I’m intrigued with all of the ways America does “rehabilitation” completely wrong, and the injustices and lifelong consequences it has on a human being, even long after they’ve been released.

I also write quite a bit of poetry.