Fudge I Did It Again!?!di Pa Din Nkakamove-on Until Now... =/

fudge i did it again!?! di pa din nkakamove-on until now... =/

Di ko alam kung ano pumasok sa utak ko that i decided to 'talk' to you AGAIN?!?

I’m sorry that i can’t stop myself from bothering you. I wish may self-control ako. But this time, nawala eh. Bumida si Batman. Sorry. On the other hand, i was relieved na things are better compared to before. Everything on my side was ‘pretty normal’. Or should i say ‘abnormal’ since this is exactly the complete opposite of what my reaction would have been if i was the ‘me’ from before? Anyway, i think naconfirm ko na ang matagal ko nang gustong iconfirm. I AM NOW OVER YOU! (i hope i am right and 100% sure this time) I didn’t feel anything kasi eh. It was like me talking to an ‘old friend’… Unlike nung convo namin ni jellyeiz. This is so different from it. I wasn’t feeling giddy nor super kilig and happy. Kasi i remember when i was ‘talking’ to jellyeiz i was like super happy/kilig/shocked and it put me in a good mood. But yours was like ‘meh’… Is it coz he was more interesting than you are… I mean our convo? But we basically talked about the same thing. Idk i guess i had less feelings for you now. Better yet, i shall put it as i have no more feelings for you now :) Thank you for making it smooth and easy-peazy for me. Thank you for not making it hard for me. I guess this is finally my goodbye to you. Bye Paul! Always take care okay. And may you find your true happiness. :)

my wish was granted.

Last night before i went to sleep, i remember i wished i will get sick and eventually die. I dont remember why i had that kind of thought… but i know i was thinking of it. Imagining how things would be like if i get a serious illness and maybe die because of it. I was curious of my family and friends’ reactions about my condition. Will they treat me differently? Will they shower me with love and care? Will i even get their attention? Those are just some of the questions i had in mind. Somehow it is not just one of my daily dramas but from my own curiousity and prolly active imagination. However, i didn’t expect that that night my wish will be granted… Yeah, i was diagnosed with a serious illness… It has something to do with my respiratory system… my breathing… how my lungs works. I remember visiting a hospital and a woman approached me to inform me that i need to be hospitalized that instant because my case is already in the serious stage. But i didn’t get scared. I dont know if i just didnt understand what she was talking about or maybe i was too schocked and in denial that time. I walked around the hospital. I saw several patients walking in front of me. I saw some dying… while their families are crying. I saw some patients laughing… they are the little kids playing, running around but they were wearing hospital gowns. Im not sure but i think i’ve been walking the whole time. I’ve visited some rooms too. I think i even got scared when a soul of a dying patient (a kid) tried communicating with me. I was scared. Really scared. I am not sure if i died… But i saw some familiar faces with me… And then… I woke up. Frightened as if everything that happened was real. I pulled my blanket to cover my face. I was scared that i might see the little kid. Then i offered a little prayer… I asked God to forgive me, to let all the souls of the people who died find their way to the Heaven, to thank Him that it was just a dream & to tell Him i dont want it to happen again. Then i went back to sleep. That morning i was glad it was all just a dream. ~~~~~ Moral Lesson of this story: Think before you ask a wish. Don’t blurt out random stuff especially when you are being emotional. Also, love life. Be thankful that we are healthy and blessed instead of asking something like dying when there are many people out there suffering from an illness, problem, hindrances in life without having their chance to prove themselves and their worth. Dont act stupid. Always be thankful to God for giving you another chance to live everyday with your loved ones. It doesn’t matter if you got a lot of problems; those are just his challenges for you to grow up, to learn, & to be stronger. God will not put us in danger; He’s always there to remind us to not let these hardships stop us from living. There is always a solution to a problem. There is hope. Don’t give up on living. Life is important. We should live our lives to the fullest!

he left me hanging... AGAIN!

when am i going to stop believing he’s sincere? when am i going to stop this illusion? when am i going to accept the fact that he only see me as one of his schoolmates?? he should have ignored my question. he should have stopped replying. he should have ended it. or maybe i should have stopped myself from asking him in the first place… why do i always bother caring for him… can i even consider it as caring or just being nosy? when am i going to learn that he has his own life now and i am never going to be part of it. he only did that coz he’s bored. ugh why am i questioning him now? why the heck can’t i trust him? why do i bother to think about what’s the truth? like i said, i got shocked the first time he replied to me. then he asked me back a question. it’s not even that serious. it was out of courtesy. being the respectful man he is. and then the convo went on since i kept asking him stuff. why did i do that? prolly coz i want to know more about him. i’m curious about what he’s up to now. or maybe i am missing this feeling… the feeling that even such words can’t even describe it. *sigh* i never learn my lesson. i know i’ll end up hurting again… crying… blaming myself why i let it happen. i make everything look like it’s a big deal. but it’s not. it was just a simple ‘hi & hello’ to an ‘acquaintance’ right? ugh i don’t really know. i don’t understand why i am being like this again. i don’t understand what is really happening. the only thing i know is i was happy while talking to him. i was happy that he didn’t ignore me. i was happy he gave me some of his precious time. but i was also worried that he may also be playing with me again… playing with my feelings again. *sigh* please stop making me think there’s still a possibility. please let me know that i am just a friend. please tell it to me clearly. i’m getting tired of this guessing game. i don’t want to ruin your life again. i don’t want to make it looks like i own you. i don’t want you to hate me. i don’t want to return to the old possessive me. i want you to be happy. so please, let me stop thinking about you. let me give you peace. let me forget you. i know i should be over this by now. this should have not affected me in the first place. i thought i was over you. i guess there is still a part of you in my heart… that i can’t let go. but don’t worry i’ll try to let it go as soon as i can. i’ll eventually forget all these puppy love i have for you. soon, i won’t be bothering you again. or if i will, i’ll make sure there’s no love connection in it at all… i’m sorry jellyeiz for being like this. it has been almost 4 years now… i’m really sorry. i think too much. i care too much. i’m sorry… i really am.

Slap in my FACE

Fck you! I hate it coz every words that comes from your mouth are making me hate myself. Why cant you understamd how hurt i am? Why are you so insensitive to my feelings? Why dont you listen to what i wanna say before you talk to me? Why dont you let me do whatever i want?

I am so sick of this bullshit! You never made me feel proud of myself. You only make me hate myself more.

Do you really want me to go insane? Do you really think im okay with all of these things goin on right now??

Ugh idk what to do anymore. I cant hate you just because. I can only hate myself. I wanna hurt myself but i aint that stupid. I wanna cry but im too strong to cry for this. I wanna scream my heart out but im too reserved to do that. In other words, im just a plain stupid kid who'll never get her happiness. Fck you world!

when boredom strikes...

oh ho ho ho ho... yeah as you can see i am freakin bored right now. i don't know if this is good or not for me but it makes me realize how much 'free' time i have in my hands and at the same time forget some of my problems.

i am not emotional right now compared to this past few days. perhaps watching the boys washed of my mixed feelings. i didn't even have a nightmare last night. my sleep was better. i wish it'll always be like that... my life seems so peaceful.

ok back to what im saying... yeah i'm dying of boredom. where the heck are the english subbers?! i don't have anything to watch yet coz most of the kdramas and variety shows i'm following aren't subbed yet huhuhuhu sad, right?

actually, i should be in bed at this hour but i'm not feeling tired yet. i want to watch EHB again but i am afraid i will disturb the sleeping people especially our neighbors...bahaha lame excuses OTL

ok let me check if i can find other videos i can watch online while waiting for my dad to wake up. i need to cook his 'baon' aka preparing his ham sandwich. (toinks!)