My Wish Was Granted.

my wish was granted.

Last night before i went to sleep, i remember i wished i will get sick and eventually die. I dont remember why i had that kind of thought… but i know i was thinking of it. Imagining how things would be like if i get a serious illness and maybe die because of it. I was curious of my family and friends’ reactions about my condition. Will they treat me differently? Will they shower me with love and care? Will i even get their attention? Those are just some of the questions i had in mind. Somehow it is not just one of my daily dramas but from my own curiousity and prolly active imagination. However, i didn’t expect that that night my wish will be granted… Yeah, i was diagnosed with a serious illness… It has something to do with my respiratory system… my breathing… how my lungs works. I remember visiting a hospital and a woman approached me to inform me that i need to be hospitalized that instant because my case is already in the serious stage. But i didn’t get scared. I dont know if i just didnt understand what she was talking about or maybe i was too schocked and in denial that time. I walked around the hospital. I saw several patients walking in front of me. I saw some dying… while their families are crying. I saw some patients laughing… they are the little kids playing, running around but they were wearing hospital gowns. Im not sure but i think i’ve been walking the whole time. I’ve visited some rooms too. I think i even got scared when a soul of a dying patient (a kid) tried communicating with me. I was scared. Really scared. I am not sure if i died… But i saw some familiar faces with me… And then… I woke up. Frightened as if everything that happened was real. I pulled my blanket to cover my face. I was scared that i might see the little kid. Then i offered a little prayer… I asked God to forgive me, to let all the souls of the people who died find their way to the Heaven, to thank Him that it was just a dream & to tell Him i dont want it to happen again. Then i went back to sleep. That morning i was glad it was all just a dream. ~~~~~ Moral Lesson of this story: Think before you ask a wish. Don’t blurt out random stuff especially when you are being emotional. Also, love life. Be thankful that we are healthy and blessed instead of asking something like dying when there are many people out there suffering from an illness, problem, hindrances in life without having their chance to prove themselves and their worth. Dont act stupid. Always be thankful to God for giving you another chance to live everyday with your loved ones. It doesn’t matter if you got a lot of problems; those are just his challenges for you to grow up, to learn, & to be stronger. God will not put us in danger; He’s always there to remind us to not let these hardships stop us from living. There is always a solution to a problem. There is hope. Don’t give up on living. Life is important. We should live our lives to the fullest!

Weird dreams... Truefacts!

I kept on waking up at 9am in the middle of my sleep. I was not like this before... Not until i kept on thinking about what my life would look like if i didn't move here in US. i kept on having these weird dreams about my elementary and high school life. Its weird coz everything looks the same, even the people around me, and how they used to treat me. I miss those days... Is that why i kept dreaming about it??

Today i woke up with a feeling of suffocating. I felt like i need more air and kinda upset. Was the dream related to it? Coz today i found myself betraying some 'friends' & being ignored by them. I was guilty and caught red handed in that dream. Even my one and only guy bestfriend was ignoring me. It was an awful dream.

And now that im thinking about it, i realized how i was before. How the immature me used to betray my own friends and treat them unfairly when they're not around me. I feel so sorry. Not only to them but most especially to myself. I am such a loser. I cant even trust these people but i care abt them. I tell them everything but they also betrayed me thus i cant fully trust them now.

NOT! i still trust them coz they are my friends. I was hurt a lot of times. I know i hurt them too. But i am willing to get hurt over and over again coz they were the people who influenced me and part of who i am now. I will not be this strong and courageous without them. I thank them for that. Its just that i did learn something from those days, i realized that icant trust everyone. I can trust some but i hafta be alert. I hafta not give them my all. Coz in the end they will leave me... They'll find other people who are better than i am. They will betray me :(

Trust... Such a big word. Its not simple and it is very important especially in making connections and relationships to other people.

Betrayal... It sickens me. I dont like it and i wish it doesn't exist. Im sorry for doing it and i hope i wont experience it again.

I guess my dream has purpose. Its making me realize how bad i was. The mistakes i did are now hunting me. I regret making fun of my schoolmates, fighting girls and friends over some boys we both like, and spilling secrets. I regret it and i learned my lessons. Its hard to forget the past but i will forever remember it as a reminder that i should not do it again. A constant reminder that trust and betrayal hurts and affects not only me but the other party as well...

Ikaw ga?

Waaaah ano ba talaga ito?! Ano ba?! Nagulat ako na nagreply ka the first time. And i wasn't expecting another one from you... Pero ano ito?! Nagtanong ka pa?! Sira ka ba?! O friendly ka lang talaga??

But on the bright side, you made me feel good today. Tho now im kinda confused too. Is it coz hindi ako masyado naaapektuhan... Is this a good thing or not??

when boredom strikes...

oh ho ho ho ho... yeah as you can see i am freakin bored right now. i don't know if this is good or not for me but it makes me realize how much 'free' time i have in my hands and at the same time forget some of my problems.

i am not emotional right now compared to this past few days. perhaps watching the boys washed of my mixed feelings. i didn't even have a nightmare last night. my sleep was better. i wish it'll always be like that... my life seems so peaceful.

ok back to what im saying... yeah i'm dying of boredom. where the heck are the english subbers?! i don't have anything to watch yet coz most of the kdramas and variety shows i'm following aren't subbed yet huhuhuhu sad, right?

actually, i should be in bed at this hour but i'm not feeling tired yet. i want to watch EHB again but i am afraid i will disturb the sleeping people especially our neighbors...bahaha lame excuses OTL

ok let me check if i can find other videos i can watch online while waiting for my dad to wake up. i need to cook his 'baon' aka preparing his ham sandwich. (toinks!)

I don't wanna be in love alone...

I think this is what i really wanna say right now. My mind keeps reminding me to forget everything that just happened and move on but my heart is stopping this decision. It is like it is telling me to wait cause there might be a chance(?) for the two of us...idk. But at the same time i'm like i don't want to have another one sided love... And not with the same person again.

Am i that stupid? Smh. do i love him? Im not sure. Do i like him? I guess.

Ugh he should have made it clear to me that time so that i will not be acting like this again. Now, im confused again.

A part of me is still holding onto you and the memories i had with you, those happy and painful memories. But a part of me is telling me to give up now and continue what i was doing the day before we had that conversation. I was okay before that... Almost over you. But why did i choose to 'talk' to you again?? Why did my curiosity led me to a decision to 'talk' to you again...

Jellyeiz, is this wrong? Should i keep going on or should i just give up? What do you feel about me? What do you think i should do now??

May 23rd of 2010

Today is your day... Did you have fun today? I bet you did. Well, im glad you did.

I just want to tell you that i "saw" you again. You were there. I barely remember what completely happened but i know you were there. You were still ignoring me though. The fact that you dont really care about me... Is the reason why i am always asking myself why i still see you in my dreams from time to time.

This morning, i woke up in the middle of a dream. I saw you there with my friends. Same situation. It feels so real. The scene depicts how much you don't like that i care for you and you hate it coz i have a big crush on you.

Just like the 'good' old days in our elementary days. You knew i liked you a lot but it didnt even matter to you. You just ignored it. You never acknowledged it. And in return, you ignored me, and started hating me. Your facial expression changes whenever i pass by or when i'm infront of you. I know you'll never forgive me. I know you treat this as a curse, a big humiliation of your entire elementary and high school life. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that i fell for you. I'm really sorry but i didn't just choose it to happen. It happened coz you were different from the other boys in our school. You make my heart flutter when you're around. You capture me whenever you smile and laugh. You amuse me with your basketball skills. You then became an inspiration, a crush. And that's when i started liking you. I remember there was a point in my life where i chose to fight with my own friends for my huge crush on you. I cried for you. I got hurt emotionally for several times but i didnt care that much. You became a big part of my life...

And until now, you are still a part of it. Though i always remind myself that past is past and i have to at least forget about my childish acts coz you've already moved on.

Im sorry that i still get affected when it comes to you. Im sorry that i still care. I know this is so childish but i cant help it either. You were special to me once and that's why you will forever have a special place in my heart.

I know you're tired of this. I know you still dont care. But i want to greet you a HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I want to hug you and thank God for making you healthy and giving you life. I want to make your day special. I want to celebrate it with you. I want to sing you 'happy birthday' & bake a cake for you. I want to know your birthday wish as i watch you blow your candles. I want to give you a special gift.... But is this even possible? Will you like it? Will you even accept it?

Unfortunately, the answers to these questions are already laid out in front of me. It is a BIG NO- YOU'LL ONLY HATE ME MORE! sigh

I understand your side. I respect it. But i really want to wish you a happy happy birthday today.

Hopefully, next time i get to completely move on with my life. Maybe stop dreaming about you... And face the reality.

Happy birthday Bill!