Being Desperate And Christian, Feels Like I'm In A Constant Battle.

Being desperate and christian, feels like I'm in a constant battle.

I wonder why life is so painful. Then I look at other's people life. I stop to ponder and realize, that it's my life that's painful not theirs. Their life is drowned in satisfaction from the earthly life. I wish it would satisfy me but everyday feels like another episode of cries and gnashing of teeth.

My mind longs for violence against what God chose to bring to life. Against myself.

My heart longs for thoughts of eternity that the Lord planted.

It's the alive me and the unalive me. It's the battle of the pain and the battle for love. It's the lost girl and the found daughter.

I can't wait for the end of the school year and at the same time I have not clue of what I'll do after college, but I have Jesus.

It's been 6 years of college, for degree which are pretty useless on the workmarket. I don't regret my bachelor in english literature nor my master degree in the field of education. Though I have a longing fear that I might not have enjoyed my student years as much as I should have. Six years of college but also six years of an eating disorder which both ruined my mental and physical health. Six years of spiritual journey which eventually led me to Jesus Christ. My heart feels heavy still but thanks to Christ I don't dwell into that feeling no more. I hope to get better, I no longer hope to put myself down.

I don't know what the future holds but I know that Jesus Christ holds it. Whatever happens I know I live in victory. The one of Jesus Christ. I won't let myself go to death.

It's gonna be 8 years of that hellish eating disorder messing with me. I can't stop counting the cals. I can't stop wanting to lose weight but can't go back to eating as little as I did before.

Something deep inside of me is convinced that not eating is the solution to all of my problem.

Things I love to do when I am bored:

Drawing and filling colouring page

Play PS3, mostly games like Tomb Raider

Staying with my twin sister to laugh

Going to ride my bike

Going for a super long walk with my headphones

Reading distopian novels

I am not suicidal, because even in my deepest despair I still laugh at cat memes

I hate capitalism cause it created ultra processed stuff filled with sugar, causing me to binge.