Hated - Tumblr Posts
When people look at you, smiling, then they see your face and the smile goes away
Me: *faking smile**faking my feelings**trying to act like nothing is wrong**pushing myself to be mentally stable**hiding my problems so others won't worry**too tired to do anything else* Haaa
Parents: Do something
Parents: You never do anything
Parents: You only think about yourself
Parents: You're such a useless daughter
Parents: I hope I can send you to your aunt instead
Parents: You always disappoint us
Brain: See, even your parents don't want you, they want you to disappear from their life, go die!
My friend (@spookynaught) and I came up with an idea for an alternative story development at the party. I wanted to reflect Rody's emotional state after talking to his former classmate. And Vincent's reaction to that.
Day 255: i want to dig a hole and hide down there forever :C
I think i just put myself in a situation where people will never forget my stupidity. I might as well die coz I don't think I still have the nerve to face those people. I am the new laughing stock in class. I am so embarassed yesterday. I was fckn nervous that i ended up stuttering during my presentation. I bet even mr. Cutie was laughing at me. And for sure he'll never talk to me again. *sigh* why do i have to live my life like this? I failed! I disappoint my family again. I don't know how am I going to make them proud anymore. Coz it seems like I always do the wrong and most embarassing shit a human being can think of. I wanna be better! I wanna make those people realize that I am not a coward or a stupid asian girl! But where do I start? I lack confidence in my self. I have a poor self-esteem. I am uber sensitive and insecure. =/ I hope things will get better soon. I hate this feeling. I don't want this to affect me but I can't always ignore their stares and opinions about me. I wanna be a better person in their eyes.
I've been having a really hard time just not eating or restricting and its never worth it and I'm so mad and upset that I can't just be good at it anymore and I just wanna lose weight againđ WHY can't I be normal or just have ate less as a fat ass kid so I could be happy and skinny now I have 3 months until summer break and I HAVE to be skinny by then, I cannot be fat for even just 1 more summer I want no need a cute and next skinny bikini body and I have potential to be pretty I feel like I just need to get rid of all of this fat and I'll finally be pretty enough so have a boyfriend or be friends with pretty people without feeling like they hate me or just are friends with me to make them look better and not think that they just pity me or like all of their other friends better because im too fat we could do fun things if I just looked good and I'm a twin and I just NEED to finally be the skinnier sister I need when people are buying clothes and there's only 2 sizes I get the smaller one. I remember a couple times when my mom or dad got clothes from friends or people and were like here you can have the small or medium one to my sister and I got the large or medium or smth and it hurts its burned a hole in my soul and I'm just done being the ugly one. I want to be the favorite so bad and I just can't do that now, if i fix my personality and looks then I can just be loved.
March 13th 2024 02:02