I Really Want To Disappear, I Dont Want To Live Anymore, I Really Do

I really want to disappear, I don’t want to live anymore, I really do

But if I killed myself then my family would have a hard time with the cost for the funeral

I don’t want to cause trouble for them

Should I start collecting money for my own funeral?

A tiny journal-ish gif-comic from a few tweets I made last night!  I believed this kind of stuff until I was 14 or so, which is pretty old in retrospect…

There used to be more but I accidentally saved over it :/

I didn’t have a happy childhood.

I was always alone, sitting at the back corner of the class. My teacher, despite knowing I can’t see the board, put me there. When I asked to be moved, he denied my request, saying that I should just wear glasses. And i did. Little did he know, all my previous teachers gave me the exact same attitude, they were the reason my eyesight was ruined. I struggled to keep up with my studies.

Unlucky me, I was seated next to the meanest kid at school, also surrounded by his friends. They pulled my hair, took my glasses, hide my stuff, locked me in the storage room, ruined my notes, hit me with a ball, splashed water at me, stabbed me with a pen, and make fun of me. They made the whole school joined them make fun of me. They all think that’s funny. I became the target of bullying in my school. There was one time, somebody tripped me. I fell. In front of kids my age, older, and younger. My skirt sprayed open, thank god I always wear shorts underneath. I ran to the nurse office and stayed there until schools over.

After that day, the bullying was getting worse each second. I just can’t take it anymore. So when they started pulling my hair and spatting insults at me in the middle of class, my eyes got blurry from tears threatening to fall. I told them to stop or I’ll go tell the teacher. They didn’t. Of course. So I gathered all my courage and went to my teacher’s table. I couldn’t think straight at that time, all I think was how to end this all, I can’t take this anymore. It was all or nothing. But what my teacher did broke me completely. He snapped at me. He yelled at me for disturbing class. He said that they just wanted to be friends with me, that’s their way of getting to know me. According to him, it was my own fault, that I should take care of myself. His eyes were cold, he stared at me like I’m something disgusting. The tears that was in my eyes suddenly disappeared. He then told me to sit back or I could just get out of his class forever.

I got back to my seat and stayed silent. I didn’t even think about their laughter about my actions earlier. I was stunned. He didn’t care at all, did he. I was approximately 11, for fucks sake. How the hell am I supposed to understand that it was just teasing. All I understand was I was being bullied and harassed. His words really left a mark on me. I realized something really important. If your life feels like crap, it’s because of you yourself. If you feel like shit, then it’s all your fucking fault. It’s because you’re useless. You don’t have the right to be called human being. Nobody cares about what other people think, now how they feel.

My shitty life didn’t end there. Whenever I made mistakes, my dad would hit me, and said hurtful things about me, then he would blame himself for me being like that. He was never at home, yet he still blame himself because of me. Hearing all that, I felt bad. I pitied him for having a child like me. I hated myself even more I didn’t think it was possible, but it did. Nobody hates me more than myself now. My scars I got from my dad was a reminder how I bring misfortune to his life. And my mother would always had that eyes, staring at me. That was the worse. Her eyes that would screamed all of her disappointment at me, sees all of my faults and imperfection. She never said anything. But her eyes explained it all. But that’s okay, I know both of them love me so much, even though I know I will never make them proud of me. Who the hell would be proud of a daughter who hated herself.

My one and only source of happiness, is my siblings. We were always together. We understood each other. I never told them about my problems because they were too pure for this kind of world, my kind of world. They may not realize it but they were my saviors. I didn’t cut because I don’t want them to see. I stopped myself from suicide because I don’t want them to see how cruel the world is. They are my sun, my light. They’re always there for me, I fight with them until I forgot about my problems, I joked with them until I forgot about school, I argued with them until I forgot about my shitty life. I love them so much I couldn’t love myself anymore.

So if you’re reading this, I just want you to know that even when you feel like life is not meant for you, remember that God always sent us angels to help us get through all the hardships in life. Please stay strong and stay alive. You’re beautiful and there’s somebody out there looking out for you. Smile :)

kids that are bullied and still go to school consistently honestly do not get enough credit. i genuinely believe that they’re some of the bravest people in this world. going to a place for 6+ hours a day where people make you feel worse than shit, threaten you, insult you, and often physically hurt you is something nobody should have to go through, yet for some reason we just accept it as ‘reality’ in schools. it’s not right. it ruins lives. if it’s happening to you, just know: you are so strong. seriously. you’ve got this. i’m so fucking proud of you. do your schoolwork and keep your chin up. the world is a better place with you in it.

Utaite list

A friend asked me to make a list of utaite I listened to, so here you go XD

ShounenT (Sako Tomohisa)

Clear

Valshe

Amatsuki

Hashiyan

Itou Kashitarou

Nqrse

Kradness

Soraru

Mafumafu

Un:C

Kony

Akatin

96neko

Araki

Sekihan

Aho no Sakata

Sou

Madotsuki@

Wolpis Kater

Ajikko

Kakerine

That

Shoose

Uratanuki

Shima

Senka

Senra

Gero

Luz

VipTenchou

Kanseru (Kancell)

Rib

Kogeinu

Piko

KK (Kamikita Ken)

Pokota

Mi-chan

Meychan

Dasoku

Kettaro

Touyu

Choumiryou

Eve

Nero

Shamuon

Kain

S!N

Ashikubi

Faneru

Natsushiro Takaaki

Halyosy

Isubokuro

Risru

Rairu

@gain

Yuuto

Kupo

Zano

Hachi

___ (Underbar)

KOOL

Aisu

Da-little

Ryo-kun

Chomaiyo

Rumdarjun

SILVANA

Asamaru

Shakemii

Nano

Neko

Koma’n

Rap-bit

Zebra

Yukimura

Yonji

Stungun

Yamadan

Taiga

Kouhei

Yurin

Gom

A24

SymaG

Tourai

Nodoame

Freedel

Taiyakiya

Ena

Ishigantou

3bu

Maro

Bun

Hyadain

Samurai-man

Sakuya

Aerogel

Toshiyan

PLUIE

Anima

Panaman

Yuge

Miyakawa-kun

Chagepoyo

Maro

RiZer0

Rid

Rimutaro

Rim

Tsukasashi

Kanade

Izu

Yukimi

HE’S GETTING MARRIED!!!!!

I’M SO HAPPY FOR HIM GUYS, CONGRATS ATSUSHI-SAN X’D

But this means I will to lose another husbando lol :’)

A24: Since I’m having a kind of midnight spur-of-the-moment thing, I’ll share this: I’m getting married next month! Yey! I was wondering if I should announce it after I got married but I felt either way is fine. My online activity will continue as it is. This year I’ll be moving house again!

Sakata: fua!!?

A24: yey

Sakata: Congratulations!!! Shall we go!! The friend’s speech sounds.. difficult, so let’s go out for a meal

A24: Go out to eat? Sure sure!  (>_<)

Sakata: Let’s get chinese again

A24: And let’s go karaoke again!