Mercurialmink - Secrets I Keep

Seeing you used to make me feel warm.

But today, the thought of seeing you sent me into a dysregulated panic. I trembled uncontrollably and felt like I was going to pass out or throw up.

I don't feel safe around you anymore.

Dear ex-best friend,

I have too much to say to you, but words won't leave my mouth because I'm in a state of shock.

You lied about having romantic feelings for me for SEVEN years despite knowing that some of the worst betrayals I've experienced were due to male "friends" pretending to be actual friends when they really wanted something romantic.

I forgave you for that because I truly love you as a person and that won't ever change. I even forgave you despite your timing. You decided to confess to me while I was sobbing and seeking comforting words from my "best friend" after I was rejected by someone I adored.

I didn't say much when you told me. I just cried harder on the phone and played nice as I slipped into a state of derealization that lasted for weeks.

Then, you texted me, demanding to know when I'd have an answer for you about when I was willing to meet up with you. I didn't answer...because I'm not sure how I feel or what to do. I don't have romantic feelings for you. I never have, and I told you this last time we spoke. That won't change. So, what am I to do? You want to remain friends because I'm your "only friend". But you mentioned something about "if we date", right after I said I don't have feelings for you.

That was what I feared--that you'd remain my "friend" but secretly resent me for not becoming more despite my clearly stated intentions.

If that's the sort of friendship you offer, then I don't want it. I deserve more than that, and so do you. I know what it's like to be where you are. I know what it's like to have that everlasting hope that "maybe they'll change their mind".

Now, you text me again to demand more of me while you hurl insults and start your text with, "Disrespectfully".

I know you're angry. I know you're hurt. But how dare you speak to me like that? If your intention is to push me farther away, then it's working.

I feel like I don't know who you are anymore. Something I love about you is how empathetic you are. Where is your empathy now, for me, your supposed "only friend"?

I should've answered your text from last time. I know that, and I've punished myself because I know it so deeply. I'm sorry that I left you hanging. I won't try to explain why I did anymore. Because *I* still feel empathy toward you.

See what happened here? See what happened AGAIN?

I'm not putting anyone else first anymore. I'm done with that.

Our friendship was based on one big fucking lie, and I feel violated. I wouldn't have let you hang out at my home, wouldn't have shared with you about my relationships, and I wouldn't have dressed up with you on Halloween IF I knew you had feelings for me. You knowingly lied to me and disrespected your own partner and the partners I had throughout our "friendship".

Fuck you. FUCK YOU. Because I was truly fooled by you. You gave me hope that not all men are the same, and then you ripped the hope out of my cold, tired hands.

Fuck. You.

I am NOT your manic pixie dream girl.

I am SO fucking tired of people seeing me as their very own quirky, cute, manic pixie dream girl. Guess what--I'm a flawed human being with good days and bad days like everyone else.

At least the immature people weed themselves out by running away as soon as their fantasy version of me is shattered when they, inevitably, realize that I don't fit the unrealistic and overromanticized image of me they've created in their heads.

Good riddance. Why would I want to be with someone who can only love a fantasy?

Just a Look

I saw you on Monday, and you saw me, too. This time, I was brave enough to look at you directly. I glanced at you first, hoping that you didn't see me looking. I'm not sure if you did.

I was secretly (not-so-secretly) hoping you were watching me that day, despite the fact that the thought of you watching me stopped my breathing.

As I walked to the exit, it felt like time slowed down. I was brave! I was brave, and I looked at you. And, to my surprise, you looked back. Maybe it was for a few seconds. Maybe it was a split second--I'm not sure. But I didn't expect it, so after a moment I turned away and apparently tried to play it cool by flipping my hair. I didn't even think, it just happened. I felt shy.

I feel like a chump admitting this, but that momentary eye-contact made my day. I feel like even more of a chump also admitting that I hope one day you'll talk to me again.