40 -

40 -

Some would say that “you need to love yourself first before someone else can love you”. I disagree. I think people who love you can show you how to love yourself. You have to believe them when they say that they love your dark brown eyes, so dark that they can lose themselves in them. You have to believe them when they say that you’re one of the funniest people they know. You have to believe them when they tell you that you have a kind heart, that you are honest to a fault.

That’s the problem right? Believing them. Because they don’t know you like you know you. And you know all the ugly parts, the ones they can’t see.

I think when someone loves you - loves the good and the messy - when they love you unconditionally, that love can fill you to the brim. When you can trust that they see you, the raw real you and love you in spite of it all, because of it all…it’s like holding up a mirror so you can love yourself too. So you can see yourself the way they see you.

I think the people who stay in our lives, who weather the storms even when we ourselves are the storms - look to them to see where the light is in you. Because it is there.

I’ve started to really look at myself…to really love myself. To appreciate my body: it’s a temple where parts of me have died only to be reborn again. To appreciate my mind: it moves at the speed of light and has a charm impossible not to love.

I’m still early on but I’m excited to see where I go.

I’m grateful to my greater She. I remember that She is within me, guiding me. She is the one uncovering my eyes to see the light.

With that, feeling morose and pessimistic and apathetic and just stuck. But I still have so much to be thankful for.

The self awareness & faith I have these days (in the greater plan) is priceless to me.

Each day a little better and brighter. :)

37 -

Some shower thoughts..

My fatal flaw or hubris is that I care about being beautiful. For most of my life, I’ve thought being beautiful would solve all my problems. I care so much about the appearance I present to the world, probably because what’s underneath is messy and raw. Hello, it’s me, the walking cliché.

I’ve put so much money, time, and value into this. For vanity.

I’m obsessive about it, to the point where I notice it on other people. You know how people say nobody will notice that zit? Sorry to tell ya…but I notice. Don’t mind me, I’m just projecting my insecurities onto other people so I don’t have to deal with them.

I would never let it affect my opinion of someone else and yet it forms the basis of my opinion of myself.

I’ve spent hours picking at my skin, pulling out my hair, using all the lotions and serums to achieve some mythical standard of perfection that is forever elusive.

I’m going to school to be an esthetician because “it’s a passion” but I think it actually comes from this need to look perfect. To be desired. An insecurity. Although I have a really hard time admitting this at face value.

Objectively speaking, I am beautiful. People stop me in the store or on the street just to pay me the compliment. I’m used to it (I sound so arrogant but not trying to be), I hate to admit that sometimes I expect it & I’ve let it define me - and I often wonder if I were to suffer some great accident that took the beauty away, who would I be? Because so much of my worth is wrapped up in that. Really sad to admit this.

The thing is though, is supposedly, my character is also beautiful. I’m warm, I carry around granola bars to give to homeless people, I am genuinely curious about others to better understand them, I don’t make friends to get ahead, I don’t judge, I pay attention to the little things & I get excited for others’ joy.

I can never feel that part of me though. Listing positive things about myself brings me as much feeling as filling out paperwork or pointing out countries on a map.

I think we all have a deep seeded limiting belief like this. For some it’s money, for others it can be power, status, the list goes on. Making sure we have this - whatever it is - keeps us from feeling fractured. Like we have it all together even if we don’t.

None of us have it all together. When I was young, I used to take the opinions and advice of adults as truths. I always thought that when I’m an adult, I’ll have it all figured out like they do.

I’m turning 30 next year and I’m realizing that literally no one has any idea what the fuck they are doing.

Driving on our move - it was 20+ hours - was the therapy I didn’t know I needed lol. I came to terms with some things via: imaginary conversations with people, crying, letting my mind wander with the scenery, and belting out the lyrics to old school alternative (circa 2000’s, if you know then you know what’s good).

Not really sure where I’m going with this. Just reflecting. I spend a lot of time in my head.

35 -

Where I’m at currently:

Packing, packing, packing, more packing. We leave on Monday!!

Barely eating - surviving off of candy. Forgetting to drink water but remembering to drink sprite. See above as to why.

In desperate need of a shower but remembered to wear deodorant. Hair is a mess but I figure, getting my hair done tomorrow and she washes it for me right?

Feeling a little overwhelmed with all the clutter in my apartment.

Repaired a scuff on my docs to where they look brand new & sold them for a solid amount.

Sweaty and grimy, the bottom of my feet are a little black. Probably because we need to clean our floors lol.

Ruthlessly selling our furniture on FB marketplace and releasing some pent up pettiness at the same time.

Feeling a little bit lost and out of sight of the point.

Trying not to freak out. And I’m doing so, my chest feels tight because holding it all in.

So ready for this next chapter - a fresh start - but unable to fully let go of the past….yet.

Ehhhh not being a great dog parent right now because - see point 1.

STILL SOBER!!! And that’s all I can really ask for right?

Forgetting that my greater She has a plan for me and trusting in that. Then remembering, only to forget again. Then being reminded once more.

Each day a little better & brighter :)

(Ignoring the fact that we’re moving somewhere where it’s cloudy 300 days of the year lol)

softer kinder gentler slower

Heather Havrilesky, How to Be a Person in the World

“Some hearts understand each other even in silence.”

— Yasmine Mogahed