55 -

55 -

Life trucks on.

I really struggled in June. Fell into a depressive episode that lasted almost the whole month. I missed half the days of school and I smoked weed to deal with how miserable I felt.

Normally I’d beat myself up about this. Another fucking setback.

Instead I’m choosing to remember that change does not happen overnight. It’s the little steps, sometimes tiny ones even, that add up over time.

I got on new meds for ADHD and depression and they seem to be helping significantly. I quit weed and now we are a sober potato all day long. I’m still in the early stages so I’m definitely feeling out of it, distracted, irritable, antsy, BORED!

But I keep reminding myself of the bigger picture.

It’s so god damn hard.

A cornerstone of my depression is lack of interest, in anything. I don’t know where it went but it’s been gone for some time. I want it back.

I want to wake up feeling optimistic, energized and ready to take on the world.

I’ve realized a lot of life is built on faith - in others, in myself, in good things coming. Faith is hard to develop when you’ve spent your whole life thinking the opposite. But I’m working on it.

As usual, I am a beautiful work in progress. Each day, a little better & brighter. And I have come so far already :)

The most dangerous place I can be is in my head

Andrea Gibson, Lord of the Butterflies

good things to pay attention to more often

the color of trees

clouds and how they look different throughout the day

the different colors the mornings can have. sometimes it's an orange hue and sometimes pink and sometimes it's too misty to tell

pretty color schemes in random places (the trees and your neighbors wooden patio and the color of their car)

the states of the vehicles passing you by, dents and scratches and the different trinkets suspended from their rearview mirrors

the sound of silence

the shadows the lights cast in your home, like how sunset looks different than sunrise, and the shadows the sun casts look different than those of your lamps and candles

pretty details in buildings and houses like certain types of windows or doorknobs or archways

the movement of things in the wind. flags, leaves, flowers, people's hair and coats

I saw something that read:

“When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don’t throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit and trust the engineer. Trust the Universe today, no matter how dark your situation. Universe says “You are coming out.” And so it is.”

If you're reading this, this is your winning season.