TW: VENT, SUICIDE, THE YANDEREDEV SITUATION, INTERNALIZED ABLEISM, GROOMING

TW: VENT, SUICIDE, THE YANDEREDEV SITUATION, INTERNALIZED ABLEISM, GROOMING

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I should probably just kill myself atp.

Anytime I actually get interested in something, I always fuck it up and I ruin it for everyone.

Just today, I talked about how the situation regarding yandereDev has been giving me panic attacks because of how frustrating it is to keep seeing how he's a groomer and stuff (even if I don't want to hear about it at all), and I had completely forgotten that on the server I said this in, it's against the rules to mention it, and then I got banned and yandereDev blocked me.

So yeah, that killed my yandere simulator hyperfixation.

Why the fuck am I even like this?? Why can't I just be fucking normal for once in my god damn life, why do I have to ruin every fucking opportunity to make friends by doing something stupid, JUST WHY??

Atp, I'm considering suicide as a last option, I can't take it anymore. My medications don't do Jack shit except make me feel worse, I only see my therapist once a week, and anytime I think I'm getting better, something comes over to fucking ruin it, and i-- I FUCKING HATE IT!

I just thought that maybe, just MAYBE, if I try to help yandereDev, if I tried to find a solution to his issues and possibly save him, then maybe, I'll finally be worth something to someone.

And maybe I'll finally be loved and treated right...

But I guess that doesn't matter, cause now he's gone, and there's nothing I can do to win his trust now.

I fucking hate being mentally retarded....

Fucking hell what’s happened to me

Autistic Social Trauma

Autistic Qualia

I am extremely convinced that I don't actually have "friends" and anyone who claims to be my friend is just wanting to remind me about how fucking alone I am in this world and they don't care about me at all

"oh but I care about you!" no you fucking don't.

if you did you wouldn't be ignoring my every attempt to try and hang out with you, you would actually include me in the activities you and the rest of the friend group are doing and not bullshitting your way out of not including me, and just in general you would actually be there for me when I need it.

I've wasted my whole summer not being able to talk to or hang out with any of my friends because they've all got plans that are apparently way more important than me, and atp, why even bother staying friends with any of the group when they all don't like me????

As for my online friends? They don't even bother to check in on me anymore. Not even a "hey hru?", and they just ignore my every attempt to rack up a conversation, it's exhausting. it almost feels like everyone thinks i'm dead atp.

And I know they're gonna ignore this post, because I know damn well they muted my posts, because they secretly hate me, they always have. They just say they care about me so that they can sleep at night knowing damn well they're part of the reason I got BPD.

And the worst part is: there is nothing I could ever do to change any of this. I'm going to die alone and nobody is going to show up at my funeral because I mean nothing to them.

if i'll be honest about anything, the only friend i truly have is the pencil sharpener blade i use to cut myself.

I hate my friends, I hate tony crynight, i hate myself, I hate this feeling, and i hate everything else.

I wish my mom aborted me. I wish that bitch never gave birth to me. I wish I was a stillborn.

why did god do this to me?

bpd culture is being comfortable with being aromantic in all areas until it comes to your fp because they’ve got a partner and they’ll never, ever ever ever love you more than them because what’s platonic love to romantic love? nothing. you’ll never be above them. you’re a second choice once again, just when you felt you finally found someone who understood. so fun!

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