Bpd Fp - Tumblr Posts

Actually had this happen to me just today when I saw tony crynight's new video. I was excited that he posted at first, but then it just underestimated me, and I feel bad cause this has been happening for the past while and I feel like I'm fucking dying over it.

@tonycrynight I'm sorry about that btw.

Why do you have to disappoint me. Every. Fucking. Time.

i can't tell what true love or hate feels like. whenever i think i have an idea of how i feel, i look back later realizing that i was splitting again.

if my fp saw my angry mean gross vents and posts on this blog i feel like theyd stop caring about me and abandon me because no one cares about the angry person people only care about the sad ones

sorry for crying so hard I threw up and giving you the silent treatment over something insignificant do you still like me?

I need a big red circle and arrow around me that says “sensitive. will cry” like some sort of shitty clickbait YouTube video

me making imaginary scenarios in my head where tony crynight's comforting me while I'm recovering from a mental breakdown at vidcon knowing damn well that it could never happen irl and he doesn't care about me and wants me dead

@tonycrynight do you care?? I genuinely want to know.

yup

This but I'm not "sensitive" (I think), and most of the songs I relate to are because of my experiences with BPD lol

HALLO :D

Anyone wanna be unhealthily codependent with me? Asking for a friend c;

Hallo :D

attention seekers u are safe here with me. if u want attention from me all you gotta do is reach out in literally any minor capacity and I will turn my attention fully to u with the force of a proton beam. I am just bad at reaching out and am usually wallowing in some kind of misery. but I love u.

Hell

learned that lesson the hard way.

just a reminder that it is not normal to think of ways to kys whenever an inconvenience occurs

(reblog cause it refused to give me the tag I wanted)

Is it bad that I'm starting to feel less interested in tony crynight?

I remember just a few years ago, I used to get all excited and nearly break something just by seeing that they posted on youtube.

Nowadays, whenever I see something he posted, I just think "oh cool." Before going back to whatever I'm doing. No emotions pop up for me, I don't feel a rush of adrenaline that a person feels when they get excited... nothing.

it's actually making me feel pretty worried honestly because i don't even know why I'm feeling like this, it just kind of happened. And I feel like absolute dog shit about it.

Maybe it's because Tony messaged me on tiktok once or twice and then suddenly stopped and now I'm starting to believe that he hates me and it's causing me to split from him?? Or maybe it's the racist dog video making me believe that he wants me dead cause i'm gay??? fuck...

Maybe I should stop relying on big content creators for attention and affection and risking them being accused of grooming if they decide to give me attention.

Not like they give a fuck about me anyway.

THIS. ENTIRE. FUCKING. POST. ALL THE WAY.

And what's worse is when someone who's been deemed as a horrible person by the rest of society becomes your fp, it makes you lose more of your friends, it makes you split from people more frequently, it completely dysregulates you when you see people talk shit about them, and it's fucking hell.

And oh good lord, the popular FPs have to be the WORST!

I can't get a single bit of attention from either of my FPs because they have such a massive following that I'm completely miniscule to them, and it drives me fucking insane to the point I am willing to threaten to kill myself to them just for a glimpse of that attention.

And when they DO give you that attention, It gives you this heavy and sensatiable euphoria that feels so good.... For like 5 minutes. AND IT NEVER FEELS ENOUGH EITHER, WHICH IS FUCKED UP.

I hate how people forget how INTENSE our feelings can be and how far we're willing to go just for some basic love and attention, and I hate how we get treated like shit for it too.

Being abandoned by the people you love feels like death, and getting attached to someone feels like being reborn.

bpd is actually so crazy i cannot tell you how genuinely intense everything feels.

i get so, so upset during episodes over the smallest of things. it isnt just "oh im sad" either its fucking cutting myself, wanting to die, hyperventilating and begging and pleading and making a plan to kill myself because what im feeling genuinely seems like the end of the world. theres a void inside of me that can only be filled by a love so intense that it drives me to insanity. i will overeat, spend unnecessarily, hurt myself, cling and depend on people who give me the slightest bit of attention, send suggestive things of myself to others, and put myself in dangerous situations just to feel something. that void can only ever be truly filled by an fp. without one, i feel so, so empty. i truly feel like im nothing without them. their whole existence, getting to see and talk to them everyday, getting to be with them, is the whole reason that i continue to survive. the moment theyre gone, even for five minutes, its back to nothingness. i cannot feel without them, i physically cannot bring myself to. but having a fp is so, so painful. their mood determines mine. how they treat me will determine how i feel. everyone else compared to them feels miniscule and unimportant. i could be seriously harmed by another person or admired by another person and it wouldnt matter, because the only person whos opinion of me matters is my fp. i would cut off all of my friends just to be with them and them only. i would do anything to stay with them. and when they leave, you have to understand that my whole purpose has been torn away from me. my whole reason for continuing to live gets fucking ripped away from me. and when they ignore me? i put myself in dangerous situations, i hurt myself, just so theyll come and find me and save me, take care of me, feel bad for me. i try to make them feel the same pain they make me feel by ignoring them, purposely triggering them, trying to get back at them. i hate them, because what could be more important to you than me? i put you above all else, why cant you do the same? nobody else, nothing else, should be more important or as important than me, because thats how i feel about you. and fuck, it hurts so bad knowing my partners will never feel as intensely for me as i will for them, unless im their fp. it hurts knowing that theyll truly never feel the same level of obsession and want for me that i feel for them. that theyll never be able to fully return those feelings. but its so hard being mutual fps with someone. it drives you insane. it can lead to horrid situations.

bpd is so, so hard. i hate this disorder.

10/4/2024, 10:18 p.m.

I'm starting to resent Tony Crynight and I'm hating it.

So, Tony is my "special interest", and for years, I idolized him and loved him. I made a lot of fanart for him, I made several discord servers of him over the years, HELL, I MADE A WHOLE ASS POWERPOINT PRESENTATION ABOUT HIM AND PRESENTED IT TO THE CLASS BECAUSE I WANTED OTHER PEOPLE TO KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM!

And now.. I'm losing those feelings for him.

I'm starting to feel less excited about his posts, I stopped talking about him as much, stopped watching his videos...

And I'm starting to feel like it's killing me slowly, like i'm losing my personality.

And I think I know why this is happening.

Tony had sent me DMs expressing how "grateful" he is to have me as a fan, and he's replied to my comments before on his page, Hell, he's even said that he liked a meme drawing I did of him. He gave me his attention and affection. 

And then one day it just stopped. And he acted as if I never existed in the first place. 

He abandoned me. He threw me away...

And I hate him for that.

I also think that he probably wants me dead because of an old video he made all the way back in 2014, long before I became a fan of him, even if his views on gay people having since changed. But what difference would his political views make on his opinion of me? He probably thinks I'm annoying as shit and he probably wishes I didn't exist.

But, for some reason, I can't let him go.

He's been a part of my life since 2018, and everyone knows me as the autistic tony crynight fan, by my parents, by my friends, by everyone.

If I leave Tony, that would mean I no longer am the autistic tony crynight fan, and if I'm not that, then who am I...? 

I can't take it anymore. I need him to pay attention to me. 

I need him, as much as I hate him.

I hate you, @tonycrynight....

As a self-proclaimed Yandere with BPD (though i don't talk about it for some reason), I'mma have to agree wholeheartedly with this.

I feel like the only people who should identify as a yandere are the people who've actually had to deal with the experience that's often associated with yandere behavior (as you mentioned)

The only exception I'll make is Ayano Aishi from Yandere simulator, but mainly because she's extremely BPD coded and I headcanon her as someone with BPD.

God I hate neurotypicals sometimes...

I feel saying you’re a self proclaimed “yandere” is fetishizing mental illness

The term yandere is literally based on bpd and being obsessive

Unlike people who are a self proclaimed “yandere” I can’t fucking help it

It isn’t a cute and quirky thing it’s a genuine mental illness that has been warped to a media stereotype and romanized the shit out of

10/8/2024

I know this is probably gonna result in me losing a lot of people I care about, but I've pretty much came to accept and acknowledge something that I'm finally understanding.

I'm a bad person who does bad things. 

I manipulate people into either staying with me or getting what I want, I make insensitive comments (even if I didn't mean it that way), I don't respect boundaries as much as I want to, I talk about how nobody loves me all the time even if there are people who do love me, I talk about sex and needless drama a lot (even when I'm not supposed to), I'm mean to people when I'm angry, I ignore people on purpose if I find them "boring", HELL, I even use to emotionally abuse my (now ex) boyfriend and then call him the abuser when he tried to speak up about it, knowing damn well that this was damaging his well-being (and I wish i never did fyi, the guilt from the abuse I had done haunts me to this day and I feel like neither me or him can recover from that).

Not to mention that I am an egotistical attention seeker and I like to exploit my own mental health struggles for clout online (and making them worse in the process), sometimes even going as far as over-exaggerating it just so people can give me attention.

I am a major fucking red flag, but for some dumbass reason, people just love to throw on the rose-colored glasses and not only ignore those red flags, but instead blame the victims for what happened and tell me that I am a good person regardless, even though they know the truth about me.

It pisses me off how nobody even understands that I will hurt them, and I have flaws that will affect them, and it also pisses me off how people want to blame the people being hurt by my actions. HELL, EVEN MY THERAPIST IS TELLING ME THIS IS OKAY, WHEN IT'S NOT!

And the fucked up part?

I was doomed to be like this from the start.

I can't change myself because of the fact that a lot of my behavior stems from both my mental illness/disability and the environment I had to grow up in, and also I can't handle criticism for shit. Anytime someone calls me out for my shitty behavior, I tell them that they're a piece of shit and then block them before going on a rant about about how "oh, i'm so misunderstood and I'm trying to be good! please pity me and feed my praise kink for me!!! :(" and then continue to do the shitty behavior in question with no consequences.

I know i'm repeating this a lot, but I am genuinely so upset how behavior like this is so normalized and encouraged. People are being harmed by my actions yet I'm being told it's okay for some reason. They don't even bother to try and address my flaws and hold me accountable for jack shit, and it makes me wonder how far they're willing to go just to defend my actions...

So overall, I'm just stuck in this limbo of being aware I'm a bad person yet never being held accountable for it, and it's basically driving me insane. 

But at the same time, I'm terrified of abandonment, and if I lose the people I genuinely care about over this I'll just go into another crisis and threaten myself again, so I just force myself to take in the praise just to keep me alive.

I wish I wasn't like this, and I wish I could stop hurting people, it's killing me atp..

I'm not even gonna bother to use tone tags for this because it'll just sound like I'm making this a joke (fuck the people who misuse the /srs tone tag btw), feel free to interpret this however you want. I just needed to get this out of my system before it fucks me over again.

10/9/2024

--

Quick update on the tony crynight situation:

he saw my message and didn't respond. He left me on read.

He knows I'm trying to get his attention and he fucking ignored me. 

Welp, I guess I know now why he won't respond to me.

I want to fucking kill myself so bad rn, he wouldn't even care if I did anyway.

He's too busy giving those pathetic assholes he calls "fans" a lot more attention than me, when I was the one who made several discord servers dedicated to him, made countless pieces of fan art for him, HELL, I EVEN MADE A GOD DAMN SLIDESHOW PRESENTATION AND SHOWED IT TO MY SPEECH AND DEBATE CLASS BACK IN 2023.

And yet.. Despite all of my efforts, nothing...

He doesn't care about me at all, so what's the point in idolizing him anymore..?

I just hope I get groomed so that I can find someone else to get attached to instead...

I wish he actually liked me...

hehe real

0 notes? Time to kms

10/10/2024

---

Guess who just dropped out of intensive outpatient therapy!! /sarc

Okay but in all seriousness though, i fucking HATE intensive outpatient, why the fuck did I even agree to go?

OH WAIT! Because I can't see my main therapist everyday and I wanted to get the help I needed to not only try and be a better person in general, but to also learn how to cope with certain situations because everything's so damn overwhelming and the coping mechanisms I did try made me feel worse.

But instead I just got a bunch of condescending assholes who have no mental health experience whatsoever.

So, in intensive outpatient, we get to do this thing called "processing time", which is basically where you vent about your trauma to the whole group and the therapist can give advice for how to deal with it (eg: tips for dealing with boundary issues), and patients are allowed to give their own advice that they believe can be helpful in that moment.

The problem? I didn't get to do process time at all. Instead this kid named Skyler just hogged up all the processing time by talking about their family issues and ignoring any and all advice given to them (fuck you skyler btw, nobody fucking cares about how your sister is a violent little asshole.)

Also, the staff were so fucking condescending and rude to everyone in the group I was in, especially that one psych ed teacher we had today. She was complaining nonstop about "oh, i'm so tired of this job, this is all stupid bullshit" all while she was reading out the lesson for today, AND THEN SHE DISMISSED US EARLY BECAUSE "I'm done with this shit".

Literally the whole time all I could think was "shut up you annoying ass bitch I'm going to stab you if you don't shut the fuck up." and I was even contemplating dumping my *freshly made* hot cocoa all over her because she wouldn't shut her mouth.

If you're so sick of your job, then why not just find another one??? You're a fucking psych ed teacher for a pretty high level therapy program and you probably get paid a lot to do this shit and therefore have the privilege of finding another job.

OH! did forgot to mention that there also a lot of ableist jokes against autism being thrown around in process time today and everyday it was really loud and overstimulating and I wasn't allowed to have my headphones at all the whole time despite them knowing I'm autistic and deal with overstimulation.

And also someone got the whole group to gang up on another patient over some drama that happened between them, and he couldn't even speak up about it because "oh, she was just processing! you're invalidating her!" (and fyi, this was during the transition period between psych ed and processing, so no she was not processing). Man do I feel so bad for him, because he did not deserve that..

And just in general I was being completely ignored by everyone, getting interrupted and being told to be quiet because "they need to process and you're interrupting them." BITCH FUCK YOU, YOU'RE THE ONE INTERRUPTING THEM WITH STUPID AND OFF-TOPIC CONVERSATIONS, WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME TO SHUT UP???

So yeah, I dropped out after all that shit happened.

I fucking hate therapy so much, I had literally tried EVERYTHING and yet nothing got better. If anything, I actually feel so much worse and I became more toxic to the people around me as the years went by.

What's the point in even trying anymore if I'm never gonna get better in the first place??

I'm contemplating just quitting therapy in general and sticking to just mindlessly scrolling on the internet for the rest of my life, I'm fucking worthless anyway.

Fuck this, fuck therapy, fuck mental health, fuck it all. These fucking bitch asses do not know ANYTHING.

Oh, unrelated, but it's tony crynight's birthday, but I'm not gonna celebrate this year because I'm still in a split with him.

God I hate being mentally ill...