My Roommate And I Had An Interesting Conversation A While Ago That Ive Been Ruminating Over. We Were

My roommate and I had an interesting conversation a while ago that I’ve been ruminating over. We were discussing how our brains handle stress, and I said something that threw him off guard - that I can act independently of how I’m thinking. That didn’t make sense to him; he said that he can’t do that, but he can stop the thought in question and not let it push him. I’ve been fascinated by the discussion ever since, and I think I’ve finally fleshed out my explanation enough to describe what’s going on.

It explains a lot of things.

What’s at play here is where the conscious rift between input and actions lies. Let’s say someone throws a rock at you. Why not throw the rock back? Because that’s mean, and we should be above that or something - whatever, it’s just an example. But there’s two ways of preventing it that vary from person to person:

Getting irritated and maybe wanting to throw the rock back, but choosing not to.

Choosing not to get irritated at all, and thus not wanting to throw the rock back.

The person in the first example may not be able to control their emotion, while the person in the second example may not be able to control the action following their emotion. I am the first, and my roommate is the second. It’s almost like two different kinds of consciousness.

For me, emotion and thought are undercurrents for my actions. They lead me in a particular direction if I’m not thinking about it, but I don’t have to follow it. However, I can’t control the emotion itself. It does whatever it wants to. This can be particularly bad when it is really strong, because it becomes difficult to swim against the current (to continue the analogy).

For my roommate, the emotion or thought inevitably shows in whatever actions follow. But he can choose not to feel it at all, thus preventing the action. Like with me, he can be overwhelmed by strong emotion, but it’s more like holding up the roof when it caves in.

This may seem trivial. It leads to the same end, so what’s the difference? Well, whenever I’m told to just not be stressed or to stop telling myself something, I can’t do that and it annoys the heck out of me. But it’s not meant to be mocking, that’s how the other person does it. It’s a distinct disconnect between two very different styles of handling the situation.

I may have simplified this quite a bit; there’s a huge difference between thoughts and emotions (for one), and there’s probably more ways of handling it in general that I don’t yet know of. Nevertheless, it’s very interesting to think about. It gives me a lot more respect for the different ways people think and feel.

I can’t imagine that the number of people who can do both of these is very high, but I bet they have supreme self-control and self-awareness.

What happens when I run out of social energy

what they say: "Hi, how are you?" what I hear: "HI HOW ARE YOU?? TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW" what it feels like: thousands of tiny needles poking my eardrums what they say: *distant chattering of others* what I hear: stnd*iat gchanteitr oxf st*heor what it feels like: turning the shower up too hot what they say: "Why won't you talk to me?" what they mean: "Are you okay?" what I hear: "Wow you are so rude for ignoring me!" what it feels like: getting punched in the gut what I say: "Can you leave me alone for a while?" what I mean: "Just for an hour tops, I'll probably feel better then, no hard feelings but I can't social right now" what they hear: "I hate you and I never want to see you or hear you again! Go wither away for the rest of your pathetic life!" what they say: "Wow you really are just rude! What did I ever do to you?" what I feel: shame what I tell myself: "Look what you did now, you jerk! Go hide in your room for eternity, you can't even be a good friend to anyone."

I know I’ve been talking about my social issues a lot, but that’s because it’s been a major source of stress for me in the past few weeks.

Days have been longer for me at college. I often won’t get back home from campus until dinner; my roommate drives me up, and either we’ve got an afternoon class or he’s busy doing something. As a result, I’m on campus and around people for longer - and I only have so much social energy in a day. This isn’t the fault of my roommate, mind, but by the time I get home, I’m completely exhausted, even on a good day. It’s become commonplace for me to get back, only to neglect my responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, laundry, homework) and my hobbies (gaming, designing, writing, drawing) and go directly to sleep.

When I can’t get home for some reason or other, I don’t have time to recharge my social batteries. This results in me handling social situations very poorly (since I don’t have the energy to do otherwise), and that always makes me feel worse. Often I’m exhausted all day, from the moment I wake up, yet I’m still expected to dole it out like I drank three coffees or something.

I’ve asked to be left alone before so I can recharge, but it doesn’t take. Someone always thinks I’m being rude or grouchy, when the real answer is I just can’t keep going. And then they debate the point with me, which wastes what little energy I have! I’m afraid to ask to be left alone now, because I know what the consequences will be.

It’s like my emotions and sanity are being forced to run a marathon every day. Some days I wake up supercharged and ready to go all day. Most days I’m still tired from the day before - but I can’t stop, lest the drill-sergeant-turned-instructor notices me slacking off and whips me until I get up and run again.

Oh yeah, that reminds me of the worst part: people (re: my friends) have been calling me weak for not being able to run the marathon with them.

Almost makes me want to move back on-campus. Sure, there were loud and obnoxious people there, but they were all gone during the afternoon, so I could go back and get some peace and quiet when I needed it.

I’m only now realizing how much my travel bug was influenced by my parents.

I did a good amount of moving as a kid. About every four years, we would move across the state for some reason or another, usually of my dad’s necessity. I didn’t mind too much; I preferred to stay in my room, and as long as said room had a Gamecube in it, I’d be okay.

We never knew where we were moving to until maybe a month or two before the fact. Even when we did move, we weren’t sure how long we would stay. The last few months were very stressful, as we had no idea what to do or where to go - that is, until God revealed where we’d be going.

One of the options we would kick around in these times was the idea of living in an RV. We could just drive around the country wherever, stay for a week or two, then drive somewhere else. This was always our favorite idea! Even though what we ended up doing was more stable in the long run, on some level I was always disappointed that we never did this. Just traveling around and meeting people and seeing things sounds like so much fun!

In fact, that thought has come with me to my college life: After I get a degree, I can’t imagine myself staying in any one place. I’d love the freedom to travel around and visit my internet friends and my high school friends (these groups are strangely overlapping recently). I’d love to see new places and try new things. I’d love to journey out far away from “home,” sleep somewhere new, and do it all over again in the morning. Maybe not in a RV, but the idea still applies.

Right now I can’t imagine myself staying in one place for very long without going crazy. Maybe that’ll change one day. But right now I’m exploring ways to keep the traveling option open.

It’s just too bad there’s not more jobs that can accommodate such a lifestyle. Maybe something Internet-based?

[WillWare is sitting in his room, alone. Enter Smart Alex.]

Smart Alex: Hey look, you're in your room by yourself again. Looks like you've been busy, eh?

WillWare: As a matter of fact, I HAVE been busy. Been hanging with friends and getting work done. It's been a productive couple of weeks.

Smart Alex: Wow! Impressive. Sounds like things are going pretty well for you, for once.

WillWare: Har har.

Smart Alex: Ever start any of those projects you've been jabbering about so much?

WillWare: No, not yet. Haven't found the motivation. I'm enjoying the ride right now.

Smart Alex: What's to lose? What, are you afraid something's gonna come along and kill your progress? That's never stopped you before, heh.

WillWare: ...

Smart Alex: ...Wait, you're serious.

WillWare: A little bit, yeah...

Smart Alex: Come on, dude! It's not like the universe is going to kill you if you try something new.

WillWare: It's not about trying something new!

Smart Alex: Then what is it? Scared? Too much work? Not enough people breathing down your back? I bet I can get someone on your case if you--

WillWare: I'm scared I can't finish what I start, okay?

Smart Alex: ...Something from the outside, or something from the inside? Cause I've got a pet snake, I can make it something external.

WillWare: [mutters] where the hell did you get a snake

Smart Alex: Tell you what, I can make this one easy. Finish this conversation.

WillWare: ...what?

Smart Alex: Finish this conversation with me. Right now. That way you've finished something. Confidence!

WillWare: Is this a trick? [glances around for camera] Are you setting me up?

Smart Alex: What? No. I'm trying to be nice to you. I know that's not exactly normal of me, so you should take advantage of it.

WillWare: But--

Smart Alex: If you doubt my generosity on this one, I could just stay here for a few hours and leave on my own terms.

WillWare: ...Um... Okay then. Thanks for coming by.

Smart Alex: See you later! And do get some work done, won't you? [Exit.]

[WillWare pulls out his computer and starts clicking away furiously.]

Smart Alex: [from behind] How's it going?

WillWare: HOLY FRICK-- [jumps] WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!?

Smart Alex: Good, you're hard at work. Get back to it!

[Smart Alex pats WillWare on the back before leaving. WillWare grumbles as he resumes working.]

25 Facts

Here, have a Twitter trend. Most of the people doing this on Twitter are using TwitLonger, but that's what this blog is for to me so I don't care.

The first game I played was either Kirby Super Star or Mario Kart 64; they were at roughly the same time, so I don't know which it was!

I was homeschooled through 10th grade, went to gifted school for my junior and senior years, and I'm now in my second year of college studying Computer Science.

Even though I live off campus, I don't drive - I rely entirely on the good will of my roommate and other friends. I have a permit but not a full license, because driving makes me super tense!

I was mostly alone while I was homeschooled, so I struggle with social interactions. Some social "rules" like genderization and professional dress simply don't make sense to me, and I'll often question them when I first encounter them.

I grew up in a moderate Christian household, but I don't force my beliefs on others. In fact, I try to keep my friends diverse, discuss opinions, and question things - it's part of how I was raised.

The first game console I owned was a Dreamcast my parents bought me one Christmas. I remember nearly being in tears at the end of its life cycle, when my parents had me trade it in for a Gamecube. I don't question that decision now, it's one of my favorite consoles!

A hurricane that hit around the time of Katrina left me with paranoia and panic attacks for a few years. The panic attacks recurred while I was at gifted school, but I've mostly recovered now.

I have yet to hold a job for the first time. I'm currently waiting on one job that I applied for while I look for other options.

I love designing things, but I can't draw worth a flying fladoodle! Most of everything I've made is some sort of technical design or based off another person's work.

I think I've finished Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door about twenty bajillionty times, plus or minus a bajillion...ty.

If I don't know someone very well or if my shyness kicks into hyperdrive, I'll often try to make the person laugh. It turns out I speak less the more I know someone - because I'm spending more time listening.

The last point only applies if I'm in an active conversation with someone. If I don't know someone I may never speak a word to them at all, even if I want to get to know them. Then I spend time listening to them from a distance, lurking around and learning about them... it's quite creepy how much I might know about someone before I've even spoken to them, or I guess before they've spoken to me.

Despite my introversion, I adore my family and friends. They mean the world to me, and I would do almost anything for them.

As a kid I never really got the chance to play anything F-Zero or Mega Man, so I'm retroactively going back and playing them now. I really wish I'd been able to play them back then!

I'm a quick thinker, so I tend to prefer games like Puzzle League or Puyo Pop over Fire Emblem or Shining Force. It wasn't that way originally; back in gifted school I was the last person out of the test room, now I'm almost always the first.

I have a profound fear of failure that has colored everything from my interactions with people to my motivation in starting big projects. (Like maybe doing Let's Plays?)

I didn't have internet access until 2010. Even then, I wasn't very active anywhere until I left for gifted school.

Anytime I bring up how proud I am of my sixty Tumblr followers or the few comments I got on a mappack, my younger brother brings up his thousands of Instagram followers. That's where he posts pictures of the food he made or something (he loves cooking and hopes to start his own restaurant).

Speaking of my family, my mother has an English degree and my father is a hospice chaplain with a Master's in divinity. My brother is actually my cousin; we adopted him when he was nine.

Until I was around twelve or thirteen, I would frequently get headaches that would progressively get worse throughout the day until I threw up. Family, friends, and doctors were all equally baffled. Some of the theories we had were allergies (milk and/or tomatoes), motion sickness, and eye problems; although we took precautions for each, none of them worked. Eventually the problem just went away by itself.

I wore reading glasses for about two years to combat the headaches, even though my eye doctor said they weren't very corrective. Apparently I have slight astigmatism, but otherwise my eyesight is "as sharp as a hawk's."

I was afraid of being in a romantic relationship until I learned about my asexuality around when I turned 18. Since then I've only been in one relationship, but I'm much more comfortable with the idea.

I've had plenty of things I want to get into, like drawing, music, photography, Let's Plays, etc. but I haven't taken the time to really try yet. I need to get myself on that.

I carry a satchel with me that contains every portable thing that I use daily. My main computer, pencils/pens, cords and chargers, games, a pillow... I almost carry my whole life with me at any given time. I'm ready for anything! Except I can't carry consoles with me so it's not quite the complete package.

I'm still writing this at midnight and I have a class to get to at eight in the morning, I should probably sleep...