What Happens When I Run Out Of Social Energy

What happens when I run out of social energy

what they say: "Hi, how are you?" what I hear: "HI HOW ARE YOU?? TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW" what it feels like: thousands of tiny needles poking my eardrums what they say: *distant chattering of others* what I hear: stnd*iat gchanteitr oxf st*heor what it feels like: turning the shower up too hot what they say: "Why won't you talk to me?" what they mean: "Are you okay?" what I hear: "Wow you are so rude for ignoring me!" what it feels like: getting punched in the gut what I say: "Can you leave me alone for a while?" what I mean: "Just for an hour tops, I'll probably feel better then, no hard feelings but I can't social right now" what they hear: "I hate you and I never want to see you or hear you again! Go wither away for the rest of your pathetic life!" what they say: "Wow you really are just rude! What did I ever do to you?" what I feel: shame what I tell myself: "Look what you did now, you jerk! Go hide in your room for eternity, you can't even be a good friend to anyone."

25 Facts

Here, have a Twitter trend. Most of the people doing this on Twitter are using TwitLonger, but that's what this blog is for to me so I don't care.

The first game I played was either Kirby Super Star or Mario Kart 64; they were at roughly the same time, so I don't know which it was!

I was homeschooled through 10th grade, went to gifted school for my junior and senior years, and I'm now in my second year of college studying Computer Science.

Even though I live off campus, I don't drive - I rely entirely on the good will of my roommate and other friends. I have a permit but not a full license, because driving makes me super tense!

I was mostly alone while I was homeschooled, so I struggle with social interactions. Some social "rules" like genderization and professional dress simply don't make sense to me, and I'll often question them when I first encounter them.

I grew up in a moderate Christian household, but I don't force my beliefs on others. In fact, I try to keep my friends diverse, discuss opinions, and question things - it's part of how I was raised.

The first game console I owned was a Dreamcast my parents bought me one Christmas. I remember nearly being in tears at the end of its life cycle, when my parents had me trade it in for a Gamecube. I don't question that decision now, it's one of my favorite consoles!

A hurricane that hit around the time of Katrina left me with paranoia and panic attacks for a few years. The panic attacks recurred while I was at gifted school, but I've mostly recovered now.

I have yet to hold a job for the first time. I'm currently waiting on one job that I applied for while I look for other options.

I love designing things, but I can't draw worth a flying fladoodle! Most of everything I've made is some sort of technical design or based off another person's work.

I think I've finished Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door about twenty bajillionty times, plus or minus a bajillion...ty.

If I don't know someone very well or if my shyness kicks into hyperdrive, I'll often try to make the person laugh. It turns out I speak less the more I know someone - because I'm spending more time listening.

The last point only applies if I'm in an active conversation with someone. If I don't know someone I may never speak a word to them at all, even if I want to get to know them. Then I spend time listening to them from a distance, lurking around and learning about them... it's quite creepy how much I might know about someone before I've even spoken to them, or I guess before they've spoken to me.

Despite my introversion, I adore my family and friends. They mean the world to me, and I would do almost anything for them.

As a kid I never really got the chance to play anything F-Zero or Mega Man, so I'm retroactively going back and playing them now. I really wish I'd been able to play them back then!

I'm a quick thinker, so I tend to prefer games like Puzzle League or Puyo Pop over Fire Emblem or Shining Force. It wasn't that way originally; back in gifted school I was the last person out of the test room, now I'm almost always the first.

I have a profound fear of failure that has colored everything from my interactions with people to my motivation in starting big projects. (Like maybe doing Let's Plays?)

I didn't have internet access until 2010. Even then, I wasn't very active anywhere until I left for gifted school.

Anytime I bring up how proud I am of my sixty Tumblr followers or the few comments I got on a mappack, my younger brother brings up his thousands of Instagram followers. That's where he posts pictures of the food he made or something (he loves cooking and hopes to start his own restaurant).

Speaking of my family, my mother has an English degree and my father is a hospice chaplain with a Master's in divinity. My brother is actually my cousin; we adopted him when he was nine.

Until I was around twelve or thirteen, I would frequently get headaches that would progressively get worse throughout the day until I threw up. Family, friends, and doctors were all equally baffled. Some of the theories we had were allergies (milk and/or tomatoes), motion sickness, and eye problems; although we took precautions for each, none of them worked. Eventually the problem just went away by itself.

I wore reading glasses for about two years to combat the headaches, even though my eye doctor said they weren't very corrective. Apparently I have slight astigmatism, but otherwise my eyesight is "as sharp as a hawk's."

I was afraid of being in a romantic relationship until I learned about my asexuality around when I turned 18. Since then I've only been in one relationship, but I'm much more comfortable with the idea.

I've had plenty of things I want to get into, like drawing, music, photography, Let's Plays, etc. but I haven't taken the time to really try yet. I need to get myself on that.

I carry a satchel with me that contains every portable thing that I use daily. My main computer, pencils/pens, cords and chargers, games, a pillow... I almost carry my whole life with me at any given time. I'm ready for anything! Except I can't carry consoles with me so it's not quite the complete package.

I'm still writing this at midnight and I have a class to get to at eight in the morning, I should probably sleep...

You know what? My life is actually going pretty swell right now.

It’s the beginning of a brand-new quarter. I have a couple of friends in all of my classes, and we’re all working on the homework together. While I don’t have a job yet, I have money for rent this month, and a supportive family for groceries. I’ve been posting mildly regularly, and finding things to say even in real-life conversation. I’m spending time with my friends, and even cooking for them sometimes. Most of all, I’m safe, happy, and well-fed.

I suppose it’s about time for something to come along and screw that up, right? I mean, it IS a little quiet around here. Quiet enough that, normally, life would give me a slap in the face right about now. Like maybe someone steals my wallet? Or one of my classes suddenly changes its homework policy. Or, ooh, maybe the house catches fire! I dunno, some catastrophe like that.

Or maybe I’ve finally settled in. Who knows? It’s kinda sad I’ve become so pessimistic.

[WillWare is sitting in his room, alone. Enter Smart Alex.]

Smart Alex: Hey look, you're in your room by yourself again. Looks like you've been busy, eh?

WillWare: As a matter of fact, I HAVE been busy. Been hanging with friends and getting work done. It's been a productive couple of weeks.

Smart Alex: Wow! Impressive. Sounds like things are going pretty well for you, for once.

WillWare: Har har.

Smart Alex: Ever start any of those projects you've been jabbering about so much?

WillWare: No, not yet. Haven't found the motivation. I'm enjoying the ride right now.

Smart Alex: What's to lose? What, are you afraid something's gonna come along and kill your progress? That's never stopped you before, heh.

WillWare: ...

Smart Alex: ...Wait, you're serious.

WillWare: A little bit, yeah...

Smart Alex: Come on, dude! It's not like the universe is going to kill you if you try something new.

WillWare: It's not about trying something new!

Smart Alex: Then what is it? Scared? Too much work? Not enough people breathing down your back? I bet I can get someone on your case if you--

WillWare: I'm scared I can't finish what I start, okay?

Smart Alex: ...Something from the outside, or something from the inside? Cause I've got a pet snake, I can make it something external.

WillWare: [mutters] where the hell did you get a snake

Smart Alex: Tell you what, I can make this one easy. Finish this conversation.

WillWare: ...what?

Smart Alex: Finish this conversation with me. Right now. That way you've finished something. Confidence!

WillWare: Is this a trick? [glances around for camera] Are you setting me up?

Smart Alex: What? No. I'm trying to be nice to you. I know that's not exactly normal of me, so you should take advantage of it.

WillWare: But--

Smart Alex: If you doubt my generosity on this one, I could just stay here for a few hours and leave on my own terms.

WillWare: ...Um... Okay then. Thanks for coming by.

Smart Alex: See you later! And do get some work done, won't you? [Exit.]

[WillWare pulls out his computer and starts clicking away furiously.]

Smart Alex: [from behind] How's it going?

WillWare: HOLY FRICK-- [jumps] WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!?

Smart Alex: Good, you're hard at work. Get back to it!

[Smart Alex pats WillWare on the back before leaving. WillWare grumbles as he resumes working.]

friend: i'm here for you if you ever need me!

me: *needs friend*

me: i probably shouldn't bother them

This is what anxiety looks like

Me: *hanging with a friend*

Friend: Want to go eat somewhere?

Me: I don't have money, I'll eat at home.

Friend: [stronger] Want to go eat somewhere?

Me: Erm... sure!

Anxiety: You don't have money, how will you pay for it?

Brain: It sounds like he's offering to buy it for me, so--

Anxiety: But what if he doesn't?

Brain: are you serious right now

*later, getting in the car*

Friend: [on phone with another friend] Will and I are going to eat somewhere, want to come?

Me: [under breath] if someone buys it for me

Brain: DID YOU JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD.

Anxiety: See? Even he agrees with me.

Brain: Would you SHUT UP

*at the restaurant*

Friend: [on his phone] I'm looking something up, you go order, I'll catch up in a minute.

Anxiety: But you don't have money, what are you going to do?

Brain: He's going to buy it for me, how many times do I have to--

Anxiety: But he hasn't said that yet.

Me: ...

Brain: OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

Me: *watches friend to stall for time*

Of course, my friend ended up buying dinner for me, like my rational brain was telling me. But the whole situation SUCKED because my dysfunctional brain was acting stupid.