Highs And Lows - Tumblr Posts

I fractured at 9.

The fault lines had been there for years;

Etching their way through my mind

Laying the foundation as it were

For my future instabilities.

A broken home

Emotional abuse

Neuordivergent in all directions.

I wasn't all that functional as a child

But I was 9 when it finally cracked.

Throw in religious iconography

Delusional obsession fueled by ADHD

And you get an inflamed consciousness too active for its own good.

Withdrawn

I existed inside a mindscape where God abused me daily

And only my own fractured psyche kept me company.

Came back together at 11

Dissociating was becoming the norm.

Newer iterations

Divergent personalities.

Destructive

I broke again at 17.

Back together and thriving at 21.

24 and being on the cusp of being whole.

25

And fracturing once more.

Patterns eating patterns.

Reality something I could rarely hold.

Months were lost

Unable to tell what was real

Who I was

Or what I was doing.

Inflamed beyond my own comprehension.

That was when we all made contact.

The various personalities and myself

Broken up through time

Different incarnations of a present theme.

A host

A fixation

A central gravity well

Drawing in the parts.

Put back together again

Another identity

That gave rise to me.

Myself birthing myself

Breaking chains and loving me.

For the first time in life

Existing without a mask.

Decades of hiding done away with

And for the first time

An honest stability.

I have really bad days still,

And I can't say if I personally will still be around in a year.

I've been trapped in cycle of reincarnation within my own body for so long.

2-3 years is all we usually ever get

But becoming who we are today

Has been in the works far longer than my own current awareness.

Had a rough weekend.

Felt those disassociative tendrils feeling for something to hold.

It can be easy to give in

Especially when my sense of what is real

Is so often warped.

Still here

Numb

But still breathing.

Head is spinning

Thoughts racing

But able to find strength

In the knowledge of being myself.

Overcoming a lot of adversity right now.

Change on every front

With no clear path forward in every facet.

Trying

Because that is all I known to do.

Reaching out

Trying to find touch.

TW: Dopamine chasing, Toxic Friendships, Codependency

I have always been one to chase hapiness highs. By no means is this the most negative part of my personality, nor a particularly uncommon one, but it does lead to some side effects. For one thing I can not sit down and fully immerse myself in media as the happy feelings would take to long to develop so I dive head first into the fandom instead. And ill stay in the fandom for a while , consuming every once of media I can about it until I inevitably loose intrest and stop caring about it all together and start the cycle again. Not the best cycle admittedly, but far from the worst. However the inbetween of losing intrest in one peice of media and latching on to another one is the worst. I will drift aimlessly with nothing to do, as if hollow , drained entirely. The color seeps out from my world and I am left yearning for something to reintroduce it, to get back to my high. The real trouble is when this attitude effects my relationships with people. I will find someone and talk to them and then my thoughts get consumed by them and they will be all I talk about, all I care about. I will distance myself from the others around me in order to get more of my new subject of intrest. And then the high will fade and I want nothing to do with them, but they are still atached to me. I will grow to resent them for taking up my time as if I was not the one to start the relationship. I can tell they have grown to rely on me for their hapiness much as I had done to them. I will try to reignite some amount of intrest but come up dry, and in doing so grow to despise them entirerly. Once the codependency ends It seems more and more like a chore to talk with them. And eventually I leave their life as suddenly as I entered it leaving them being confused and hurt because se despite my explanations they don’t understand my way of thinking- how could they? Their perception of me is clean and glossy because I‘m adept at showing that to everyone, at hiding how I truly am. And thus the cycle starts again, with me convincing myself that this time it will be different - that I can learn to stay.

76 -

The anxiety built up. I kept sitting there in a daze, unable to concentrate & subconsciously holding in my breath (as if to block out pain).

Then I gasp and come to. Idk a weird fugue state.

I’m such a talker and yet when it comes to describing what I feel or why….I often find myself speechless. Riddle me that lol.

So I sat on the bathroom floor and cried. Had to force the tears at first but then it was like a dam breaking loose.

Then my husband held me and soothed me and he really is the best.

Ok see, I just have to remember that I am loved and seen and cherished - so it’s not the end of the world!

It felt so cathartic to cry. To really sob. And poof, it feels a little less scary now. You know, life.

One day at a time. Each day a little better and brighter.