Even Looking Back At All My Memories, I Can Only See Them Through What I Have Called For Many Years,

even looking back at all my memories, i can only see them through what i have called for many years, since childhood, a 'camera.'

if you've ever done 3d animation, you will understand exactly - it's a camera, that i feel float around my body. i can't see other cameras through my own, but i feel as if, most people's cameras are tethered to their heads, to view the world through their eyes.

i'd like to know if this is relatable to anybody with a dissociative disorder, with or without a system of personalities.

thank you, ⭐️🦔.

i can't say for certain i'm really a system. i just want a name to call myself, i want to be able to say, 'this' is what my problem is, there are other people like me,

i want a word to describe myself, i want to be able to have something to explain the loneliness, the looping conversations in my head, the distance between me, the being, and it, the body.

please, i would like to talk with anybody.

being a system be like:

IM OBSESSED

IM LITERALLY OBSESSED

IM SO HOPELESSLY IN LOVE

IM-

*dissociates for 3 minutes and switches*

im aromantic, fuck that shit

im vibing with this frog i found

I've seen this question going around a fair bit to blogs that don't really give a good answer and I don't really want to interact with, SO

Let's talk 📣

Headspaces

Did you know that there was a point in time when inner worlds were largely confined to discussions of polyfragmentation and complex MPD?

I've posted before about the experiences of older systems before the internet, and this topic falls into that same boat-- back before maladaptive daydreaming was even a named concept (Eli Somer first wrote about MaDD in 2002).

So, to anyone worried:

Not having an inner world is NORMAL

In fact, for the longest time, it was the norm.

As such, there were techniques used to HELP clients develop an inner world in an attempt to learn to communicate with their alters.

And I'd like to share one of those with you! This technique could be useful to ANYONE still struggling to speak with system members, and gives you a basis from which to build an inner world.

The Round Table Communication Exercise

When I first started my journey, I had no communication with my system. We experienced heavy emotional intrusion from each other, maybe a whisper here or there, but that was it.

My therapist taught me this technique to use during our sessions and while I was going to sleep.

Essentially, you're meditating. Find a quiet place to relax (when going to bed it perfect), close your eyes, and imagine a table.

Start simple, nothing intense. Hold the image of the table in your mind. What is it made from? How many legs does it have? What colour is it? Is there anything on it? Etch this table into your mind. Every inch of it. Commit it to memory.

And now, set chairs at the table. How many are there? Are they the same material as the table? Are they comfortable or hard? Tall backs? Arms? Can you sit in the chair and lean your forearms on the table? Is it comfortable?

Invite others to come sit with you.

Maybe they won't show up the first day, but continue to invite them, continue to imagine that table and the chairs. Note any changes that occur to the table.

Once you're comfortable with the table, familiar with it, slowly look around the room. How many walls? What colour? Is there anything on the walls? What kind of vibe is the room giving you? Is it welcoming and relaxing? If it's not, imagine yourself changing the room. Straighten pictures, paint the walls.

Continue to visit this room and invite others to come talk.

Eventually, someone came to sit at the table with me. As we sat and spoke, I could start to envision his face, his hair, his voice, his clothes, I could hear him telling me his name.

And over time, more people joined us. More chairs appeared, knickknacks were scattered around the room and across the table, doors appeared along the walls.

We created a couch and a TV, to simulate fronting and imagine our interactions together.

Because that's all an inner world is-- an imaginary recreation to represent internal interactions.

There isn't some small pocket in your brain where everyone lives, you're not born with an inner world, it doesn't come free with your first alter's Xbox. An inner world can be as simple as being able to visualize an interaction, or an entire immersive daydream city.

One of my alters is very emotionally reactive, and when he's frustrated, he "flips the table." This visualization is something everyone in the system can see, it's the same feeling each time, and the reactions of each alter can be perfectly visualized as this table flips-- exhausted groans, facepalms, shooshpaps as he's whisked away to his room through one of the doors.

When we're fighting for front, we can see ourselves sitting on the couch in front of the television, fighting over the remote, or if we're co-con we can imagine ourselves sitting together on the couch. Maybe we're cuddled and happy, or maybe we're sitting there awkwardly, a solid inch between us where we refuse to brush arms.

Over time, the couch became bigger, and more of us could sit together, everyone aware of and watching the images on the screen of our life happening in real time. We could talk to each other about choices we were making.

Eventually, we could visualize ourselves talking it out rather than fighting. We were able to slam our hands down on the table before it could be flipped.

These visualizations are our basis of communication.

This is an inner world, even if it's nothing more than a room that I created myself.

I hope this exercise can help others.

Good luck, and happy daydreaming.

sys culture is being curious if other systems experience what we’ve been calling memory time blindness, where you remember an event but struggle to place when it happened. could have been a week ago, could have been over two months. for us it gets especially worse the further you go back, with certain memories just being clustered in “okay it probably happened between x year and y year” (I’m sure this is prevalent in other disorders but I think it also fits for systems :])

We get this all the time it's the worst

They really went off naming NPD. Yeah I got the trauma-induced life-threatening disorder of nonexistent self worth it's called "selfish arrogant dickwad syndrome."