Actuallypsychotic - Tumblr Posts
Psychosis is so cute! I love waiting for the next hallucination to come, I love forcing myself away from sleep, I love losing trust in everything I’ve ever known, I love flinching at daylight! I love having to keep these episodes a secret, I love having the most absurd delusions all at once, I love thinking I deserve this!
“Delusions”
The walls are prophetic, and they’ve chosen me to envision their secrets. If I stare, if I press my ears up against them, I’ll understand. I can’t fall asleep though, that’s the catch. I have to be deprived enough to hallucinate.
Love doesn’t exist in any universe, love is a placebo— people capitalize off of this tale, we were brainwashed to believe this sickly illusion. Love was made to cost money, love isn’t an actual thing. Love isn’t a universal, legitimate state of being, it’s nonexistent and a made up scam.
I am being surveillanced by someone I know, he’s lurking steadily through the eyes of animals and other people. And when things are just right, he warps into my point of view. He stays into my head, letting me have enough control in order to not rouse any suspicion— but I know he’s here, he’s watching, and there’s nothing that can be done.
The fast food I eat too often has poison in their food. They have chemicals in there, concocted to get us addicted and vulnerable. When I come back for more, I come back with a craving a little stronger than the last time.
I am going to be recruited for the military, and I wish my brain would send those voices after me, getting them to haunt me, harass, push, plunder. Throwing knives, learning to cauterize wounds, putting defense into practice; My legs burn as my feet bruise the concrete, two mallets at a time, floating me away from danger.
The Illuminati is going after me, again, after months of dormancy. They’re bloodhungry and vengeful. I know that I’m special, they know, you know, he knows, she knows. The American government, Lucifarian and calculating, is taunting me.
I don’t need a TV series, I have my own episodes😎
Psychotic culture is not being able to get 5 minutes into a conspiracy theory video without tearing up, panicking, or having your heart race Psychotic culture is also seeing conspiracy theories be a lighthearted, thought-provoking trend for others, but being a terrifying reality for you
Thing I’m paranoid about and am fixated on atm: I’m sinning and I’m going to hell and God is mad at me and is punishing me
I hate that I’m mentally ill enough to be hospitalized for life when I’m off my meds. I hate that I’m always so tempted to get off them despite this awareness
You know you’re coming into psychosis when everything is contradicted. Nothing affects or shocks you anymore. You’re numb but everything scares you. You’re too exhausted to show any emotion but too vigilant to not do anything about your paranoid delusions. You start to isolate yourself but keep hoping someone will reach out so you won’t be alone with your thoughts. You feel helpless but so prepared and aware of unseen truths. As verbal communication becomes more difficult, you have made sense of what you’re saying but no one else gets it. You need to keep quiet and not endanger yourself, but you end up talking about it anyway. It’s hot outside but you wear clothes for cold weather. You understand that your delusions are just delusions, but you’re not making it up and it is the only real thing to you. There are sometimes things you feel, see, hear, smell, taste, that aren’t really there. You refuse to eat because of your paranoia but you can’t resist. Us psychotics are seen as dangerous, but we are the sufferers of absence. I don’t want to hurt you, I just want to be left alone, I’m just scared.
Two men knock on my door, i half-open it for them, they are looking for a men called “Joan"(theyarescaryscaryscary)
I say he doesn't live here, they leave,i close the door.
I am not safe even in my house.
I was used to eating stale food,stale everything, stale bread, stale chicken breast.
(And also rotten food, well,not fully rotten, but partly, i just used to leave out the part i couldn't eat, that was too rotten to be eaten.)
My mama and my granny taught me that you shouldn't waste any food. So i didn't.