Actuallytraumatized - Tumblr Posts
So I lasted maybe five days without drinking?? Personal best since I started drinking lmao, ngl. I’m just. I’m so fucking tired, and I want to die but I don’t and I feel everything and yet nothing at all and like can someone tell me what to do about them feelings? I’m so fucking terrified bc of it and idk what to do but I never wanted alcoholism as my fucking coping mechanism, especially because that’s what my mother fucking died of??
I lasted well, I suppose, in the grand scheme of things. I didn’t drink until like?? A year ago maybe?? But then the pandemic happened and this was my only way to cope and now I’m literally budgeting alcohol weekly, and I am so fucking terrified that I’m becoming my mother who was literally emotionally, and, hell, sometimes a lot of the time physically, abusive.
You know that TikTok that goes ‘I do this bullshit like eight times a week’? Yeah that’s my mood swings and it’s in a ✨d a y✨
I came to a realization recently that my parents because much nicer and sweeter to me and more 'this house is your house!' once i moved out and began to cut off contact with them
Its not like they spent months beforehand telling me I dont need to move out, I can stay with them forever, and be under their rules and strictness. They've convinced me even now selling my house and going back to them would be a good idea.
If they had their way, they'd keep me trapped forever.
I'm never going to forget the day when I didn't answer my mother's phone call, which was her way of reminding me to wake up for work even though I have alarms, so she used her spare key to come into MY OWN house, then my room, and yell at me to wake up.
I fucking screamed thinking there was a murderer here and had a horrible panic attack once she left and didn't end up going to work anyway.
I dont know who I am or what I am, all I know is that I Am, and even thats up for debate sometimes.
I just want to be happy, why cant you let me make mistakes on my own? If its the wrong decision then let me figure that out.
Stop protecting me from every single step. Just stop. You didn't do that with my brothers. You let them make mistakes and you resent them for it because they don't learn from it. If I'm so smart, so clever, the brightest person here even more than either of you, as you used to say, why do you have no faith in me whatsoever?
I'm so tired of you believing you can control everything I do. I'm so tired of letting you. After all these years I'm still tired of it and I'm just now doing something about it.
Do you know how much you make me cry over the littlest things. Because you say it with a tone that screams "your idea is stupid, why would you suggest that".
It hurts. So. Fucking. Bad.
I want to delete my personality. I want to pretend I don't exist, I want to be a robot. I want to stop feeling and be a shell.
I want to support other peoples work without feeling the need to create things and receive support myself.
I want to work without a desire for something more fulfilling, so I can earn money and pay the bills and donate the extra to a good cause like a good citizen should with no protests.
I want to smile and care about other people without expecting them to care about me.
Why do I have to have desires? And wants? And needs?
Please, I just want them gone.
Let me be empty.
Let me be molded to whatever suits you best.
Use me for whatever makes you happy.
I don't deserve a will of my own.
Hey everyone! It's Jade! Making a post about our core's Etsy!
We'll put it in the proper tags, because we want to get as many people as possible to see it!
Thank you for viewing!
If I ate your wings and devoured your halo would I be holy again?
Help us get out of an abusive home
Hey, we're currently in the process of saving up money for a deposit on a flat, paying off credit card debt and having some money in savings for getting settled in a new place.
We're living with our m/m rn, and she's heavily emotionally, psychologically and economically abusive, she takes any money we do earn so its next to impossible to save up anything for getting out of here.
If you can't help please reblog, we desperately need to get out of here for our own mental health
original writing / do not repost
So... Does anyone else's mum threaten them with a baseball bat because they "never asked for a retard of a child" whilst your dad watches along with your siblings as they just smile at you, or do have a normal family?
Maladaptive daydreaming really does get you down; like one moment parame is living their best life, in a happy, safe and loving relationship away from all stress and pain. Then all of a sudden I've been pulled away from that world and into this one, kept focused on the moment by words of hatred and discontent at my very existence, desperate to go back to daydreaming.