Psychosis Tw - Tumblr Posts
You know you’re coming into psychosis when everything is contradicted. Nothing affects or shocks you anymore. You’re numb but everything scares you. You’re too exhausted to show any emotion but too vigilant to not do anything about your paranoid delusions. You start to isolate yourself but keep hoping someone will reach out so you won’t be alone with your thoughts. You feel helpless but so prepared and aware of unseen truths. As verbal communication becomes more difficult, you have made sense of what you’re saying but no one else gets it. You need to keep quiet and not endanger yourself, but you end up talking about it anyway. It’s hot outside but you wear clothes for cold weather. You understand that your delusions are just delusions, but you’re not making it up and it is the only real thing to you. There are sometimes things you feel, see, hear, smell, taste, that aren’t really there. You refuse to eat because of your paranoia but you can’t resist. Us psychotics are seen as dangerous, but we are the sufferers of absence. I don’t want to hurt you, I just want to be left alone, I’m just scared.
kami's exhausted. tired. it's his own fault, really, pushing himself to work the last few days of the work week when he felt under the weather at best. it's a good thing he had today off, he'd PLANNED to spend most of it sleeping. at least, for the most part, he's feeling better. it must be the lack of patrons or customer service voice he has to put on.
at the very least, kami had anticipated lying in a miserable stupor for most of the weekend. not that he'd planned on shutting anyone ELSE out. but sometimes, his thoughts ― even with his medication ― get the best of him. he's found it far more helpful to let himself stew in self imposed misery before reaching out for a sense of normalcy.
when he hears the knocks on his door, he groans and hoists himself up off the couch, knocking his phone to the ground. he'd intended on MAYBE browsing the internet at some point today, but that's forgotten about as he rests his hand on the doorknob. kami realizes he probably should actually check to see who's at the door ― he hadn't expected company, nor had he ordered food. there should be no real reason for anyone to just randomly knock on the door.
he pulls it open.
for a second, kaminari stares at the figure before him. too tired, head pounding, and just confused. this... looks like someone he'd once known a long time ago. months and months and―
he promptly SLAMS the door shut, even going the extra mile to turn the lock. all at once, his chest tightens and aches, like he's having a heart attack randomly. cluching his chest, kami sinks to the ground, turning his back to the door and leaning against it. he's breathing heavily, hunched forward with knees drawn up. cluching his temples, kami lets out a terrified moan, staring wide eyed at the ground.
"no, you stopped haunting me," kami blurts out. voice, probably muffled through the door. he EXPECTS 'kuni' to hear it. "i'm on meds now, you stopped haunting me. you aren't supposed to hurt me anymore. why are you me?"
no, NOT him. kuni. she'd introduced herself as kuni this time. the wave of panic rushes over him again, threatening to drown him. kami almost can't even breathe, save for wheezing rasps as he presses his trembling fingers more painfully against his temples. "you're dead. you're both dead. makoto why? please stop haunting me, please just leave me alone. i'm... please..."
he can hear his blood roaring in his ears loud enough that it threatens to drown out his THOUGHTS. the door before him looks more imposing than it has any right to be. knock. knock. knock. that's all he needs to do — that's supposed to be the easy part, yet ku ... no, ren finds himself freezing when it counts. ( cold feet. just his luck, huh? ) it probably doesn't help that this is the longest he's spent in public in — well, MONTHS. the brunt of his social interactions have consisted of monosyllabic exchanges with the night shift cashier of his local convenience store. after a while they stopped even questioning the vast amounts of caffeine-leaden garbage he was putting into his body. in hindsight, that probably wasn't a good thing.
okay. enough stalling. an inhale, an exhale — and he's raising a hand, rapping knuckles sharply against his cousin's door.
ren waits and waits and waits for him to answer. he's adorned himself in a dark jacket with a hood large enough to comfortably shroud any recognizable features from wandering eyes. ( fucking security cameras might as well be planted on every street corner these days. ) the lower half of his face is adorned with a mask, and when the door FINALLY cracks open, he preemptively hooks a finger beneath the thin fabric. ❝ ... kaminari. ❞ the name feels awkward on his tongue, like the months and months of separation have left it feeling unfamiliar. he stares at his cousin — meeting the eyes that bear such eerie resemblance to his own. he really should have taken the time to plan out what he was going to say, but he didn't and there's no point in agonizing over what's already done. ❝ i know how strange this might look, but i can explain. ❞ and he punctuates the reassurance by tugging the mask down, revealing his face in full. same indigo hair, same piercings, same shadows beneath his eyes from a decade of substituting coffee for sleep.
❝ it's kuni. seriously. and i'm not dead — never was. ❞ weight shifts impatiently from one foot to the other. he has to fight the urge to look over his shoulder. ❝ can you hurry up and let me in? standing around out here is making my skin crawl. ❞
@oficeandwind new and improved modern AU!
he waits for the noises outside to die down. kami doesn't TRUST himself to open the door immediately and check. but he raises his gaze toward the ceiling, checking to make sure no hallucination is going to suddenly manifest from above. when nothing shows up, kami squeezes his arms, pinching them and leaving red spots behind. not enough to BRUISE, but more to check that he's lucid.
his pills were supposed to be stronger than this. but usually, the noises are followed with visuals, and without those, kami is starting to breathe regularly. more FORCED, but he's breathing. carefully, quietly, he's turning around and lifting himself up to peek through the hole. he's terrified of what he'll maybe see on the other side, so he sucks in a deep breath, pressing his hands to the door as he looks.
it feels like something straight out of a horror movie. there's NOTHING there ― but he's not marking himself as safe yet. not until he knows for sure.
"k...kuni?" kami tests the waters. he holds his breath as he scans what little he can see, but either the manifestation left, or kami was just having a very lucid dream. unlocking the door, he pulls it open, just in time to see his cousin.
with a shriek, kaminari jumps back, tripping over his own feet and landing HARD on his ass. it's painful, and he's wincing, half rolling to his side to rub at his tailbone. the door swings open wide to slam into the inside wall with enough force to almost slam shut again. LUCKILY, it doesn't. and the door rests, slightly more than ajar and leaving kami with plenty of room to stare.
his gaze never leaves his cousin. he's still not sure if he's hallucinating anything or not, but he's very much aware he's awake this time, with clarity. there's no fade out, no whispers that accompany this. just a very real, very SOLID figure sitting on his porch and looking almost dejected. or at least, that's what the posture looks like to kami.
"what the fuck, kunikuzushi?" kami snaps. the panic is fading, giving way to very sharp anger. he's still trembling, now harder than before. he isn't sure if he's going to have another anxiety attack or pass out, but he remains seated. "what the hell is actually wrong with you? if you're even real, that is!"
he lurches back when the door SLAMS in his face, only just barely managing to preserve his dignity by swallowing back a yelp. ❝ kami — ! ❞ the hacker hisses, trying his damndest to keep a low voice while still somehow conveying his displeasure to the SABOTEUR on the other side. he surrenders to his paranoia, glancing over his shoulder to ensure no wandering eyes are watching this downright embarrassing display. fortunately, the neighbors haven't come creeping out of their homes to gawk like the empty-skulled lemmings they most assuredly are — but that doesn't mean this commotion won't draw unwanted attention if he isn't able to stop it quickly. ❝ bastard. ❞ ren mutters, turning back to the door. he has half a mind to start clawing at it like a cat. see how much of a hallucination he is after he's caused a pretty penny of well earned PROPERTY DAMAGE.
he settles for knocking — again. still clinging to the barest threads of proper social decorum, if only for the sake of minimizing the spectacle. ❝ i'm not aunt makoto — and i'm not another manifestation of your mind playing tricks on you. ❞ knock. knock. knock. ❝ i'm very real and very alive. i can even prove it if you'd just do me a favor and open up already. what's the harm? it's just me. ❞ knock. knock. knock. ❝ you know that i know how to pick locks. so why don't you save us both the trouble and let me in ... before i FORCE my way in and throttle you. non — ugh. NON-FATALLY, for the record! ❞
this clearly isn't working. his back hits the door with an audible THUMP and he sinks down to the ground. tugging knees to his chest, ren rests his chin on top of them. maybe this was a bad idea. ( no, it definitely is. ) he's well aware that kaminari has his own demons — and is swiftly coming to the unnerving realization he probably contributed GENEROUSLY to them with his little stunt. he simply assumed appearing like this would be enough to fix it. fix everything. repair the damage, repay his debt — though it seems as if he's accumulated INTEREST over the months and months he's diligently kept himself hidden. ren didn't think kaminari would care so much. his mother certainly didn't; she couldn't even be bothered to handle his funeral arrangements herself.
they hadn't even gotten the flowers right; bruise-violet and crimson like freshly spilled blood. his favorite color was BLUE.
❝ i made a mistake. ❞ he finally says, voice taut like a string pulled near to breaking. ❝ i had to resort to doing something desperate — otherwise i would have ended up dead for real ... please, kaminari. ❞ pride tastes foul on his tongue, but ren swallows it down to beg. ❝ i need your help. just open the door ... and i'll give you the explanation you deserve. ❞
his mind is an empty state of what the fuck, on repeat. it's like a static hum in the back of his mind, leaving him unable to do ANYTHING until kuni is inside. it's only at this point that kami manages to get to his feet, lurching toward the door to slam it shut, locking it once more.
he's still not sure what's actually happening, only that there's a sense of URGENCY that has him even more on edge. "i'm sorry," kami says, clenching his teeth and holding back the urge to snap. "if i can't call you by your fucking name―" he stops there, looking back toward the door. he doesn't know his neighbors well enough to have a solid connection. he's doubtful any of them would actually care about someone named kunikuzushi, but he also hasn't been part of his cousin's world. he doesn't know what exactly is going through kuni's mind.
"so basically you let me think you were dead for months on end." his voice is flat. he's still running over all the information in his mind, trying to make sense of it. it's only giving him an even bigger headache, and threatening to pull him down into some depth of despair and heartbreak. kami gets it though. LOGICALLY, he can understand why kuni did what he did. kami isn't sure he'd take the same exact road, but he can understand burning all bridges (literally) to get out of trouble.
emotionally though, kami feels betrayed and heartbroken. he'd thought their bond had been a lot stronger than this. kami had relied on kuni for A LOT, and part of him is even wondering if his own demons had helped contribute to this, like kuni WANTED to get away from him.
his eyes are starting to wonder from these thoughts, so kami turns away to hastily wipe his eyes. he's not going to start crying now, not when there's so much to actually discuss. he still needs answers, though he's not sure how likely he is to get all of them right now. kuni is probably exhausted, and needs a place to stay and... kami has a spare bedroom...
"...if you had to do all that, then why come back at all?" kami asks. his voice is neutral, forcing himself to turn back to his cousin. "why not just let me THINK you were gone forever? i would've coped, survived, something." it's not a lie, either. even after his downward spiral thanks to his own mother, kami eventually found a way to bounce back. he likes to think he'd bounced back quicker after kuni's death, with it only taking a matter of months, instead of years.
his life is still a shit hot mess though.
"...and i'm assuming you want to stay here?" he's reaching for kuni though. desperately needing to FEEL how solid his cousin is. as mad and depressed kami is over the entire incident, kuni is still his cousin. someone he always held in high regard. to lose him again would destroy him.
despite his numerous requests ( demands, really ) ren isn't expecting it when the door finally DOES open. this time, he doesn't have the chance to swallow back his surprise — the hacker audibly yelps, and nearly falls over, only just barely managing to catch himself at the last possible moment. ( fortunately; if he landed on his laptop he would be furious. ) ❝ yes, yes. kunikuzushi. why don't you say it louder — i don't think the entire neighborhood has heard you yet. ❞ he knows it isn't kaminari's fault; his cousin isn't aware of the circumstances surrounding — well, ANY part of the mess he's gotten himself into. he's horribly stressed and his nerves are frayed and it's compelling him to lash out unjustly. he'll remember to feel guilt for that later; at the moment, he only has enough mental real estate to tackle one MISTAKE at a time.
the door is open, so ren decides he's going to take advantage of the opportunity before his cousin comes back to his senses. deft hands snatch up the flower pot resting on the porch beside him. it contains a SUCCULENT — a tiny, yet vibrant thing with healthy leaves. ( it's all he has for luggage. ) he rises to his feet and slips inside kaminari's home swift as the breeze, nudging the door shut behind him. it's only then that the hacker allows himself the luxury of a sigh; it feels like a weight has been lifted off his chest — not entirely, but enough so that he can draw breath without a STRUGGLE. ❝ i'm a member of this family. ❞ he says, looking down at his cousin. there's a twinge of sympathy in his eyes — as if that simple fact alone has DOOMED them both. ❝ naturally there's a lot of things wrong with me, but we don't have all day to list them. ❞ he at least has the courtesy to nudge the other with his shoe. it's a gesture that might be construed as playful or annoying ( or both ) under different circumstances, but here it serves as proof of his existence.
well. that was supposed to be the easy part. the hard part is actually explaining himself.
❝ i know it seems extreme. ❞ obviously. ❝ faking my own death isn't the sort of choice i would make if i had any other option. i needed to disappear — and the only way i could do that WITHOUT being seen as a loose end ... was if they thought i was no longer in any position to TALK. ❞ it was either that or run — but if he ran, there was no telling what they would do. target his mother? fine — she could fend for herself. target kaminari? he didn't deserve that.
anxiety has afflicted him with a strange, nervous sort of energy. ren finds he's started to pace — back and forth, back and forth like an animal trapped in a too-small cage. ❝ the ... that group i was involved with. i know you weren't exactly fond of them, but they were worse than i ever let on. considerably worse. i still continued to lend them my services, because ... ❞ because he liked feeling useful. feeling powerful. how stupid of him. ❝ ... not important. i had to leave — and kunikuzushi needed to die ... so to make a very long story short, that's precisely what i arranged to have happen. ❞
REN.
it's so foreign in his mind. it's easy enough to remember; only a single syllable. he clicks his tongue, trying to say it out loud, but it's like his voice stops. kami can't bring himself to utter anything right now. the tears are threatening to come back. even as he squeezes kuni's...no, ren's arm, kami feels a lump in his throat that he hasn't felt for years.
everything is rolling over him and threatening to crush him. he's not a crier, he hasn't let himself cry in so long. and yet, his very REAL cousin is here, offering his best iteration of an apology, and just. he's here.
letting his arms drop, kami sniffs, trying to swallow that stupid lump. it's not going away, and his throat is just filling up until he almost can't BREATHE again. it's a painful ache that's spreading up and stinging his entire face. this is embarrassing.
"of course―" i want you to stay here, is what kami WANTS to say. but his voice is too broken right now, stumbling over tears and a wave of embarrassment so strong he might as well be nauseous.
kami's hands come up to press over his face. his cousin, his stupid, reckless, best friend, is not allowed to see him so weak and pathetic right now.
( IT'S OKAY TO CRY, THOUGH. )
and yet, kami's sobbing. sitting back down on the ground, almost collapsing in a boneless heap. he hunches forward, as if THAT would hide his embarrassment from ren. ren. not kuni. it's amazing that the simple name is already starting to click in his mind.
or maybe kami's just latching onto anything at this point to make it more real than anything else has ever been. he wants to force some words out. say ANYTHING, but nothing comes to mind. his head is yet another buzz of jumbled thoughts and fragments of statements, but getting the actual words out is nigh impossible at the moment.
"―you fucking―" is all that comes out. you fucking idiot, i love you. "―don't ever―"
he sniffs again, trying to stop himself. it's not working well, almost like the NEED is too compulsory, and kami just needs to let the sobs run their course. "―stupid bitch―"
he's not sure who that last one is directed at: himself or ren. maybe a little bit of both. they're both amazingly idiotic; it runs in the family. they're both stupid for different reasons, but up until now, it's always worked. he feels stupid right now, certainly. stupid for letting grief impact his ability to live, stupid for being so emotional over ren coming back. no longer kuni.
"―stay."
kami needs his cousin here. not to test how real he is, kami very much is relieved that this is not a figment of his imagination. he's okay, he's going to BE okay. his support system is back, and they can tackle any other conversation once kami is actually able to speak again. until then, he's just going to cry and feel like a stupid bitch about it.
he thinks the lock clicking into place behind him should be a source of COMFORT. they're inside now — shielded from the prying eyes of the world beyond. it feels like every time he's out in the open, the stares are a physical weight upon his back — heedless of whether they actually exist or not. realistically ren knows a simple door won't be enough to keep either of them safe. monsters can lurk in plain sight; behind a disarming smile, an anonymous username, in crunched numbers and lines of code. the deeper he allows himself to sink into his PARANOIA, the worse he feels. it would be one thing if his fears weren't based in reality, but unfortunately the hacker knows firsthand just how real they are. ❝ ... call me ren now. that's the identity i assumed after — well, everything. ❞ his alleged demise. ❝ people will ask questions if they hear you speaking with a dead man. you should spare yourself the trouble and crush their curiosity before it starts. ❞
kaminari has every right to be FURIOUS with him, of course. he tries to imagine how he would react were their positions reversed. would he be angry? hurt? probably — but that doesn't make his cousin's line of questioning sting any less. gritting his teeth, he forces himself to cease his relentless pacing. every bone in his body feels locked into place, joints traded for cement. ren's throat goes tight, tight, tight to the point of actual pain — like an invisible set of hands wish to choke any effort to DEFEND himself out of him. ❝ i didn't ... want to abandon you. ❞ abandon, just as every single person in their lives meant to protect them ... ultimately ABANDONED THEM instead. ❝ i had to stay away. lay low. it was the only way to guarantee you would be safe. ❞ honestly, the fact he's even here now is still a risk — six months may feel like an ETERNITY, but in the grand scheme of everything, it's hardly a drop in the bucket. just barely long enough for his presumed demise to be convincing.
he doubts kaminari will see it that way. no one likes a martyr — yet another reason why ren is such a wholly unpalatable individual. ( even so, he'll bear his anger if that's what it takes. )
lavender gaze flicks up. he sees kaminari reaching for him and extends a hand — an open invitation to prove that he's solid, real, alive. ❝ i heard about the funeral. ❞ ren says. it's a bit hard to look directly at his cousin directly, so he settles for the wall behind him — somewhere just off to the right. ❝ it's pretty typical of my mother not to care ... i guess i just thought, considering the circumstances, she might actually feel compelled to give a damn. ❞ he exhales a quiet huff. how stupid. how naive. ❝ ... i think you're the only one who actually cared i was gone. ❞
his free arm hugs the flower pot even closer to his chest, almost as if it's meant to serve as a lifeline. ❝ if you're willing to have me here, i'll stay. ❞ he'll even pay rent — money is always easy to acquire when one isn't afraid to resort to more QUESTIONABLE means. ❝ ... but i understand if you would rather not. i just wanted to give a little closure. all things considered, that's probably the least that i owe you. ❞
