This Is Why I Can't Have Nice Things.

This is why i can't have nice things.

Things are sort of going well. So that means something devastating is afoot.

You can't convince me otherwise. But I'll nod and smile and let you think you did.

:)

Reminder:  It’s been 74 weeks of no contact.  

I am still here carving out a future of my own.

And I can breathe freely now.

Every day I remind myself that I should mourn for the past I lost to him and not the future I think I’ve lost without him.  

Some if it you never get back, either.

I think all of us who went thru long term abuse we were unable to escape from had to tear out pieces of ourselves, of our mental health, physical health, emotional health, our integrity, our personality, our life, just to stay alive, we had to trade parts of ourselves for our life and that is not something you ever forget or recover from.

Borrowed Time

"I’m going to leave you at some point.”

He left it open ended so he could use me, keep me anxious, and hating myself all at the same time.

I wish he’d just done it. Maybe I would have fewer nightmares by now.

I have the luxury of having a bit of massage coverage through work.  I take advantage of it as my body is not what it used to be after the years of abuse (ie, ballet, running, neglect and self hatred) I’ve put it through.

I did not expect to have a sensory flashback from my RMT working on my rotator cuffs. She said emotions can be stored in our muscles and tissues and that having them treated can cause those emotions to be release.

I was glad she gave me this out.  Because I wasn’t too interested in telling her the actual reason I was bawling.

About a year ago he stopped texting me, after months of one-sided harassment.

Today I am all fucked up about it.    Today I am stressed and restless and hurt and angry and sad and mourning my past and what I thought I had.

And I don’t know how to explain any of it.