Schizotypal Personality Disorder - Tumblr Posts

Well I took this and yeah....

https://www.idrlabs.com/personality-style/test.php

Psychotic episode are fucking terrifying so sorry if I don't like when you use the word "delulu" and sorry if I don't want to talk to you because you think I'm crazy or dangerous and sorry if you think I'm exaggerating BUT FUCK YOU BECAUSE I WAS TERRIFIED.

I WAS SCARED.

I WAS LIKE A KID SCARED OF THE DARK.

HOW DARE YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY.

I WAS AFRAID TO GET KILLED, I WAS TERRIFIED OF GOING OUTSIDE I WAS CONVINCED OF HORRIBLE THINGS I COULDN'T SPEAK I COULDN'T MOVE I WAS TRAPPED IN MY BRAIN SO FUCK YOU.

Fuck anyone who thinks psychotic episodes are funny. Fuck anyone who judges someone for being on the schizo spec. Fuck anyone who laughs at this.

yall are pro mental illness until they hallucinate

yall are pro mental illness until they dissociate

yall are pro mental illness until they self-isolate

yall are pro mental illness until they're paranoid

yall are pro mental illness until they split

yall are pro mental illness until it's too Scary for your comparatively neurotypical brain to handle

had some interesting hallucinations the other day from not taking my meds for a while (not purposely, I am simply struggling to remember lately)

generally my visual hallucinations play into a phobia that will not be mentioned here and involve images superimposed onto my vision (which I never knew was possible until I experienced it, I don't ever look into what schizotypal personality disorder entails so I just sort of experience it and assume what is and isn't part of it later) but the other day I saw things physically in my room. To be honest, if I hadn't already known about my diagnosis and experienced way worse I'd have been a little shocked but it was chill since I knew what was up and they weren't particularly scary to look at. I saw a light person move in my peripheral view, not at the very edge, just not exactly in front. then later that day I saw a butterfly, the large kind with big wings, again completely white, it was by my side and just sort of flapped its wings until i looked at it and it was gone. Again, it would have been concerning if I didn't already know i was schizotypal and off my meds at that moment but since i know i was just like damn, oh well, and moved on.

it was an interesting experience since their bodies were far more real than anything I've ever hallucinated, they were very much physically there in my eyes.

PLEASE ASSIGN NO MEANING TO MY HALLUCINATIONS

IF YOU ARE ALSO SCHIZOTYPAL PLEASE DON'T GET OFF YOUR MEDS JUST TO HALLUCINATE, I PROMISE THE PSYCHOSIS IS NOT WORTH IT, I AM NOT ENDORSING IT BY SHARING MY EXPERIENCE

SCHIZOTYPAL RAMBLE INCOMING

I try not to indulge in this but sometimes I do wonder if reality is actually what I see off my psychosis meds, and if they are just preventing me from seeing the truth.

as in... what if there ARE things most people can't see who take the form of people in pictures and watch you through their eyes and only I can see their true form because I'm not taking medication that blocks my sight? what if?

now, realistically, this is absolutely not true.

but

knowing when things aren't true has never prevented me from still believing in them.

i don't think it's something most people will ever understand unless they experience it but, when i am having an episode of psychosis (excuse me if I use the wrong terms, i am not involved in any community in the slightest out of worry it might worsen things!) i know damn well that realistically none of it is true, because i have experienced reality long enough to understand... but it's right there, i can see it, i can feel it, i know there has to be something, so i still believe in everything my brain is telling even if i know, I KNOW, it's not true.

no matter how smart, how grounded, how skeptical you think you might be if you got to spend a moment in the shoes of somebody going through this it would not matter how many times anyone, including yourself, told you that it's not true, you'd still believe every second of it, because you'd be living those seconds first hand.

i'm going to be honest, i had no idea what this was like either until i went through it, i didn't know schizotypal personality disorder existed until i was diagnosed with it, i didn't even understand what it entailed until months later when i did a small search on what the symptoms even were since my psychologist explained it in a very surface level way so this has been a weird journey.

I was fine when i was told i had depression, i knew what depression was.

i was fine when i was told i was autistic, i knew what autism was.

i was fine when just a bit ago i was told i might even have ADHD, i know what all this is.

but to be diagnosed with something i'd never even heard of after experiencing life altering symptoms that destroyed everything i knew to be real... i don't know, man, it's something that messes with your head. I don't like any of this, it's not fun, it's not quirky, it's not even particularly interesting, it's just ruining my life.

ramble over, thanks to anyone who read it.

TW SA mention - hallucinations

I've been wondering if I'm experiencing psychosis again, but I haven't been so sure because the topic I'm handling is rather different from my previous worries.

I think I got my answer last night.

I've been, for a few days now, extremely anxious about somebody assaulting me, even though I have no reason to believe it would happen (Mostly...? I do live somewhere it would be very easy for it to happen again, but he doesn't seem to be interested in doing this anymore), I struggled very deeply to fall asleep the other day because I was convinced if I fell asleep someone would come into my room and do that to me.

Last night, though, I woke up around 3:30am to a voice in my ear making the sound you do when calling a cat over (tstststs not pspsps) and right then I was convinced it would happen, I was so sure that if someone were to climb all the way up on my bed (loft bed) and get on top of me then surely they'd want to do that. I just waited. I slowly tried to rationalise it to myself, that it was a hallucination, that it wouldn't be happening, and after a while I was able to get my phone and show myself that nothing was there. (thankfully not my first hallucination or it would have been far more difficult) Because it wasn't sleep paralysis, I could move just fine, I simply chose not to for a while.

I texted my best friend what happened and shockingly fell back asleep rather quickly.

I suppose now I know that this could genuinely be psychosis again, as it has shown all the signs of being exactly what I've already dealt with.

I have a very simple solution, of course, taking my meds, which I haven't for weeks. But my fear of an overdose is, as of now, greater than my need to run away from my hallucinations.

I have been suffering from very bad flashbacks because of this as well but I'm not sure if it's part of it or simply a result of the topic of my troubles.

Either way, I'd like it to stop, but I so desperately don't want to take my medication.

If only my psychiatrist actually cared about why I don't take it instead of saying "Well, I'm not a fairy, you have to take it before I can help you :)" she has an awful fake nice persona she puts on and I really dislike her, I haven't had an appointment with her in what feels like months and she hasn't even called about it, says a lot. Though I hope she never does, I don't want to see her. I need to remember to change psychiatrist but it's rather difficult when I am using public services instead of private.

Either way, a solution needs to be had, I have contacted the people running the mental health service for an appointment with my educator instead, I will see if she has any advice.

I do a lot of research into personality and lately I’ve been wondering what the most diagnosed and under diagnosed personality disorder is. Some say the most diagnosed is either BPD or OCPD (OCPD is the most diagnosed in the USA apparently).

I’d like to know others opinion on this.