System Host - Tumblr Posts

This is just like our host, Emyr. He’s a big cranky dragon who needs to go outside more. So we make him go outside as much as we can. Preferably every day but that’s not always doable.

He used to be scared of bees but now he loves watching them. He’s always respected them (it was never the “kill it!” Kind of fear, just the “eeeugh stay away” kind), he just didn’t like them near him because he was afraid of being stung- but now that he understands how calm bees are, he sits really close and looks at how they work and pollinate flowers.

-Michael (he/him)

are evil dragons really evil, or are they just vitamin D deficient?

Me (and Blue honestly) having no more emotional connection to our system’s trauma and feeling like shit about not having that emotional connection

(I’ve had 0 emotional connection to our trauma except pissed about how it’s affecting the people I care about and from our side it appears we’re the only ones given a punishment. Blue has had on and off emotional connection to our trauma. And it sucks because they are such a sweet and caring person with a heart of gold and they’ve just become so apathetic recently because of all this.

Love how people outside the system are like “it’s too soon” since it was like… 2 weeks ago that this recent trauma happened. Simon and Sierra still feel it, but for me and Blue is feels like that shit was years ago. Thank you brain for being so weird. At least us hosts can function!

Also: Blue literally forgetting who the people who were also involved in this traumatic drama are is a mood. Meanwhile introjects of those people be like: bitch tf?? Nah don’t worry, they remember you guys. But not your sources. It’s called fucked-up-coping-for-systems.

Trauma holders doing their jobs well folks)

Me: I’m probably faking being a system and these are just people my overactive imagination created

Me, seconds later: Who the hell searched Idina Menzel and did a deep dive of her official site? I know it wasn’t me or Ghost! I’d remember if it was me! Someone fess up now!

- Blue🍓

Any other hosts feel this… immense need for control that makes it so you never leave the front? No matter how badly you know it’ll be ok and you know your headmates are trustworthy and absolutely capable.

Because I often have a very hard time letting go of front and allowing myself to let others take control. The last time I talked about doing that, I was screamed at not to by a (now realized to be emotionally abusive/manipulative) ex-friend. But I know it’ll be ok. But I can’t seem to let my headmates take control without me at least partially present/in co because there is just this overwhelming anxiety that something will happen the moment I let my guard down.

The second I allow my guard to slip, shit will hit the fan. That’s how I feel 24/7. My headmates keep telling me it’s ok and that they understand. They all say they understand and that they will be there to help quell that anxiety as best they can because they know I’m so tired of being in the front constantly.

But that fear is still so fucking present.

Do any other hosts (or alters who aren’t designated as hosts but stay in front a lot) feel this? And does that anxiety ever go away?

-🍓

Anyone else ever feel like you’re faking because of how many alters are in your system??? Blue and I feel like that a lot and then we look at each other and go:

“We’ve literally had full blown conversations with these people. We literally cannot control them.”

But like… we’re nearly 400 alters (that we’re aware of). We feel really… unnaturally big. Anyone else feel this way?? Because we know they’re all real and not imaginary. But like… it’s still weird. Y’know??

-🩶👻

Ok: as a host with control issues due to the past abuse this system has gone through, blacking out and allowing others to front is taking a lot of time to process for me.

Because I finally allowed someone else to front for a bit, if only for a few minutes. And I panicked when I got back because I didn’t know where the coffee cup was. Needless to say I’m very sorry to my headmates for being a controlling bitch 😔

-🍓

Hardest thing about being a system rn:

We gotta do so much self reflection rn for a school project and we need to reflect on our life and we’re like…

“We don’t remember that part…”

So… we might be outed as a system to our entire class y’all 😓

-🩶👻

Do any other hosts feel like they… robbed their headmates of having an actual life? Especially since I didn’t know I was a system until almost 6 months ago. It… feels like all this time I’ve spent fronting has been robbing my headmates of the chance to feel like they actually exist and have a life outside of headspace, and possibly feel like this life is theirs too.

Because I’ve been talking with my headmates and… we started talking about our life, the trajectory we’re taking, yada yada yada (jfc we’ve done a lot of self-reflection today as a system), and… they mostly go along with what I say. Except for Ghost, but only because he’s also a host and makes major decisions as well. But… it feels like they don’t get as much of a choice as they should, and they said it’s mostly mine and Ghost’s decisions to make since we’re the hosts.

I just feel so fucking selfish right now and my headmates keep telling me it’s fine. I just… I don’t know what to do…

-🍓