Michael Post - Tumblr Posts

I’m going to be honest, I couldn’t read the whole thing. Not out of disinterest, ADHD is just a bitch like that. One of us will come back and read the rest later.

But what I did read was very well written.

I want to discuss the growth section specifically, about how it was said that “problematic” headmates don’t need to change, because that’s true. Some of our headmates are here because of their “problematic” traits. Like our gatekeeper, Strahd Von Zarovich. A vampire, a conqueror, a man who has probably killed thousands over his lifetime. Some might call him cold or heartless. Is he really? No. But he may seem like it from the outside. And frankly, that’s what makes him good at his job. He keeps his emotions under control, which, while bad for opening up, makes him great at resolving stressful situations. He knows how to lead people. He will do whatever it takes to keep the system healthy and running, no matter the cost, because of this coldness. If he thought our system was in danger he would not hesitate to kill to protect us.

Does that make him “problematic?” I dunno, I’ve always thought that “problematic” headmates were a stupid concept. Some might say it does. But that’s why our brain wanted him here.

Our fictives tend to be very close to their sources in terms of personality and I don’t think any of them will change, especially not if some random people tell them to.

Living with a “Problematic” Fictional Identity (And Where to Go from Here)

During my panel at this year's Othercon, I promised to publicly release the script I read from. This is that script: this is what I said before the Q&A and discussion portion of the panel. Once the recording of the panel is live, I will reblog this with a link, as quite a few people expressed interest in it. (I have been informed that my voice was paramount for proper enjoyment of the panel; I don't know if that's quite true, but it's what people said.)

Here is the blurb I originally wrote for the panel on the schedule:

A lecture followed by questions and discussion about navigating through life with a “problematic” fictotype or as a “problematic” fictive. How to find community, how to cope, what responsibilities we may or may not have, what morality means for us and where the line between choices “then” and choices “now” lies.

Now, for the script itself.

Introduction

Greetings, people, creatures, and other beings. Welcome. This is a panel about how to live with “problematic” fiction-based identities, and I am someone with one such identity. My name is Goratrix. I am a fictive. Back in my source of Vampire: the Masquerade, I did quite a few bad things, the details of which I will not go into here or now. If you’re curious, I have written entire essays on the topic. Suffice to say that many of my actions were morally repugnant to most, making me quite the moral quandary to some people who encounter me online in this strange reality I have found myself in. Presumably, quite a few of you have had a similar experience—whether you be fictionkin, a fictive, or something similar, or just know someone who is, some of you undoubtedly have identities that are not as squeaky clean as some people would like. Perhaps they are voluntary, perhaps they are not. Perhaps you regret the things “you,” as in, your identity, did, or perhaps not.

Today, we are here to discuss that, how to live with it, and where to go from here.

I will say this: I am going to be making a case for universal acceptance of people with identities like these. Yes, even those people. Yes, even people that did that, whatever you are thinking about. If you disagree with me, that’s fine. I will be happy to discuss and debate this—respectfully—in the later sections of the panel or after it ends. If the concept of accepting people despite their crimes in another world upsets you, please feel free to leave the panel at any time. I will not notice and I will not mind. That being said, those who want to have respectful conversation or have respectful questions—whether they disagree with me or not—will have time at the end of the panel to speak up. I can’t take questions during the lecture effectively because I am easily distracted and long-winded; a bad combination for staying on-script. So, please, hold your questions for me until I open the floor for them. There will be multiple opportunities to speak up, and I will take suggestions and feedback on certain topics throughout the panel. Thank you all for understanding and cooperating. To head off one question, though—if you are wondering if I always talk like this, yes. I do. You get used to it.

Special thank-you to Chaiya, Pale, Rani, and everyone else who gave feedback and/or encouragement during the writing of this panel. I think I would have been reduced to ash without them.

Initial Discussion

No matter what way you spin it, there are identities out there that people don’t like. In a broad sense, this is more obvious: there are bigots worldwide. In our community, however, this can be a little harder to spot if you aren’t one of the affected, and it can be all-consuming if you are. Syscourse and purity culture plague us, as do accusations of being abusers and varying ableist claims of us being “sick in the head.” Ironic, coming from those battling to get recognition for their kintypes and headmates at all, don’t you think?

Attacking someone for who they are is ridiculous. Most people do not choose their identities, problematic or not. A common argument in the otherkin community against outside harassment is that you do not choose to be ‘kin—you just are. Must I spell it out? Must I explain that there is no difference, here, between someone whose kintype is a wolf and someone whose kintype is a murderer? The identity simply is. By attacking or allowing harassment of these “problematic” people, you are indicating that the entire community deserves harassment. Furthermore, people are not responsible for the actions of their kintypes. Yes, they are their kintypes, but did they make those decisions now, as they people they are, now? Typically no. They did not choose to be this, they did not choose the actions; leave them be.

Ah, but Goratrix, you may be saying. What about the people that did choose their identity? And what about fictives, who have no distance between their sense of self and their fictional identity—their “fictomere,” as we call it on the fictionkind Dreamwidth?

I shall address voluntary identities first. There are a thousand and one reasons to voluntarily identify with, or on some level, become, a character or creature. (Some would argue that the line of voluntary and involuntary is rather blurry in places, which I agree with, but that is not in the purview of this panel.) Perhaps they are coping with something, maybe even the thing that the character is guilty of. Perhaps not. Perhaps they see a shred of who they could have been in this character, given different circumstances, and see them as a different version of themselves to be integrated into their personality and considered. To be quite honest, it’s none of our business. Identity is a deeply personal thing—especially identity that you choose for yourself—and judging anyone, for any reason, based on it is going to get messy, unpleasant, immoral, and run into exceptions left and right. Who’s to say which exceptions are allowed, and which are not? Who’s to be the referee on the harassment of the “right” “problematic” identities? You see how this can go wrong, I imagine. And, furthermore, once again, these people did not perform these actions in this world, in this life. If you were to go to the authorities about these people, accusing them of a crime or some immoral act, with no evidence other than “they identify as a fictional character that did this,” you would be laughed off the block. These people have done nothing wrong, and I implore that those of you who disagree please consider why you disagree. Have you considered why they took on the identity at all, or are you just experiencing a kneejerk reaction? Put yourself in their shoes, just for a moment. Consider what might make you take on such an identity, and try to see it in other people. Assume the best, for assuming the worst tears you down as quickly as it tears down those around you, and, speaking as someone who repeatedly assumes the worst in people, it can destroy your life. Do better than I did; grow from this.

Now, onto the topic of fictives, of which I am one. There is frequently a distinct divide in fictotype and fictive; while someone is their fictotype, in many cases they are also separate from it, in that they have lived a life separate from their fictotype in this world. (Note that I am speaking generally, not completely—generalization is necessary for conversations like this, and I apologize for those who do not fit in with such generalizations or the words I am using. I am speaking largely from personal experience within my system.) Fictives are not that way, or at least, are not that way initially. (Fictives can change into very different people upon exposure to this world and time spent living in it, something I know well from watching my headmates and fictives in systems I have befriended.) Fictives typically appear in the system as if they’d been plucked straight from their source, from their life. They are precisely the people who made their life choices, and in some cases, those choices are abhorrent to your average Internet-goer. In my case, my morally questionable decisions include murder, betrayal, and human experimentation, among others. Does that not make me a criminal, worthy of damnation?

I argue: no. It does not.

Why?

Because the circumstances that led me to make the choices I did do not exist in this world. I have been here for almost a year, and have done nothing that others would consider “wrong,” as far as I am aware. (This is a record for me.) Why is that?

My source is Vampire: the Masquerade. My nightly life was filled with political, scheming, ancient vampires that would backstab me given a moment of weakness, a second of hesitation. I had to be ruthless, conniving, murderous, or I would be cut down, and I refused to let myself be killed by the world I had been thrust into, nay, that I had clawed my way into living in, desperate to survive. I considered those things that I did necessary, even “right”—in the situation I was in, the standards for “right” are quite low, and if you are keeping yourself and those you care about alive without harming others merely for the fun of it, you are doing quite well.

This world, and my system’s placement within it, does not force me into those kinds of situations. I have no need to kill, backstab, and lie here, and I argue that if I did, it would not be wrong of me to do so, because trying to merely survive is not wrong. People do what they must, and fictives, even the ones who seem the most horrible, were forged by circumstance just as I was. Hell, this applies to fictotypes, too—people do what they must to survive.

All right, say circumstances were not life-or-death and someone still did something you consider “wrong.” Can they be harassed?

No.

Let me bring up my theory of morality: people do the best they can in the circumstances they are in with the information they have. What is “best” depends on nothing more than prioritization—in my mind, that is all morality is: prioritization. What is more important: the life of an animal, or the life of a human? Someone’s bodily autonomy, or someone else’s life? Your life, or someone else’s? Your pocketbook, or someone’s livelihood? All morality can be broken down this way. Moral debates happen when two or more people have different moral priorities, and consider each other’s prioritization to be “wrong” in some way. I am not free of this; I find people who are willing to harm others for mere entertainment to be doing something “wrong,” but I do try not to throw bricks when living in a glass house; I know my list of actions better than anybody, and I also know that a morality system where my own survival is paramount (second only to the survival of the one I love) is bound to be seen as “wrong” by many. This does not bother me.

My point, in bringing this up, is that few people believe that what they are doing is both wrong and unnecessary. People may do things they consider wrong to survive, and hate every minute, or may do things they consider right unnecessarily, but people rarely do what they think is wrong for reasons they believe are unnecessary. People’s moral prioritizations are formed by the circumstances in which they are in and were raised. Had I been born into a world with limited or no magic, no vampires—this world—I would be completely unrecognizable. I would be a different man entirely, one that you likely would not consider to be “problematic!” If I had chosen to perform the same actions, unnecessarily, that I did back in my source, when I felt it necessary, morally, for me to do, then perhaps I would be worthy of judgment or retaliation. Furthermore, anything I did in this world would be fair game, because it was done in this world. If I murder someone here, then yes, I should face some kind of retaliation for that. I would have done it here, just as things I did back in the world I am from earned retaliation there. It just seems ridiculous, to me, to judge someone by moral standards that they have no concept of nor connection with, across entire worlds and across the boundary of fiction, when chances are that they were doing the best they could with the way they saw the world. People who are “problematic,” in terms of fiction or fandom, are not inherently dangerous in this world, because of the change in circumstances. And, furthermore—don’t they deserve another chance? A chance to be who they feel is best in these new circumstances?

That being said, no one is obligated to interact with anyone else. If you cannot get over what someone did back in their source, and are uncomfortable with them—fine. That’s your business, not theirs: avoid or block them and move on. Anyone is well within their right to refuse to interact with anyone for any reason. Harassment, however, is over the line, and I think you all know that. Identity is identity; leave well enough alone.

If you are one of these people—as I’m sure many of you are—with a “problematic” fictional identity, you are not wrong for merely existing. You are not alone. You are not doomed to be hated and reviled forever. And, if you struggle with your identity, you are not doomed to struggle alone forever. Let us move now to the topic of coping.

Coping

For fictives, it can be extremely traumatic to come to this world and find out how different things are here. To find out that what you did is so repugnant as to be seemingly worthy of constant harassment and no support—and for fictionkin, learning that your fictotype is someone that did things that you consider horrific can be traumatizing as well. Good God, I cannot even imagine learning that I am, or was, someone who did something that I would consider repugnant. Facing that and coping with it can be hard enough without hordes of strangers getting on you about it. People do not need help in feeling bad for who they are; they do need help in accepting it and handling it in a healthy way.

There are infinite types of trauma, here. My suggestion, overall, is this: approach it with a policy of self-forgiveness. I know it can be difficult, but listen to me: remember my definition of morality earlier. You did what you felt was best with the circumstances you were in and the information you had. Forgive yourself for doing differently than you would do now. Changing your priorities, and thus, your morality, is not hypocritical—it is growth. Let no one take that from you. Let no one take what you find precious in your identity from you, because it may be your past, or a parallel present, or something that your mind latched onto because it was important to you. Let no one take this from you. Forgive yourself, if need be, and never let anyone make you feel like you cannot do that, or like you don’t deserve to do that. Defend yourself from those who would wrong you for the things that were done in your source.

My suggestion on coping and dealing with cruelty from the community is quite simple, but I have found it effective. It comes in two parts: one, block liberally, and two, find a small group that accepts you and stick primarily to them. There are community spaces that facilitate this, but you can also form small groups of friends. Discord DMs, email chains, Snapchat threads, whatever works for you. Block those who will not accept you and allow yourself to befriend those who will. If people would hurt, harass, or exploit you for things done in your source, block them. The block button is there to protect you. You have been given a potent tool—use it. Consider it a form of taking care of yourself, and, if need be, self-forgiveness.

Finding friends you can trust is harder, and admittedly, I am not the best person to ask about this. I have only recently begun to open up, and have gotten lucky with the system’s pre-existing friends. Furthermore, I have had little need to cope with my identity, although I have watched multiple fictives in our system have to deal with it, so my advice here is somewhat limited, but here is another suggestion: work on accepting and understanding your identity. Journal, make posts, do long-form writings, answer prompts—whatever helps you unpack everything, whatever helps you understand and record, do it. I thought it silly, at first, but after I started doing longform writings, I never looked back—I enjoy them immensely, and wish I had more time for them.

I believe it best to open the floor for a few minutes for suggestions on both coping and finding an accepting group, including community spaces. I know of the fictionkind Dreamwidth, of which I am an administrator—where else is there that accepts people such as us? How do you find accepting friends? How do you cope? Leave your suggestions in chat. Let us have a brief conversation before we move on.

Growth

Let us continue, now, on the topic of healing and changing. I spoke earlier of morality being shaped by circumstance, and of our ability to alter our morality via reprioritization, something fairly common in fictives especially. (After all, fictionkind tend to have their own sense of morality before awakening as fictionkind, as do those with heartypes and most other identities.) We are capable of doing this—changing from what we are and were—but I ask: are we obligated to do so? Must we become “good” people, model citizens of the world we now find ourselves in? I say no—as long as you are not bringing direct harm to others, it’s no one else’s business who you are, what you feel, what you believe. You should not be forced to change your very identity and sense of self just because someone else does not like it. The self is the most intensely personal thing about anyone, and it is no one’s business but yours.

However, I am also not saying that you should act with impunity here just as you would back in your source. Chances are excellent that you can’t get away with what you would, there, and if you’re a fictive, you could hurt your headmates or get them in trouble. I will not presume to tell you how to handle dealing with your headmates (or whatever word you use to describe them), but I would advise not harming them intentionally. Chances are, you are stuck with them, possibly for the long run—does it not make sense to try to get along with them? I will leave that in your discerning hands, however.

I won’t tell you how to live your life, but I will recommend that you think carefully about what parts of your behavior you want to perpetuate moving forward. This should always be considered every time you enter a new, drastically different, situation: this is just one of the most drastic. When it comes to myself as an example, I did not have to think on it much: I don’t enjoy hurting people, I just did so out of necessity. Here, I am not pushed to behave the way I did. My cutthroat sense of morality is key to who I am, and I refuse to abandon it, but the objectionable parts of it never come up since I am never pushed into dire straits here. I believe the worst thing I have done so far is threaten to block people who harass me because I don’t care enough to try to convince them on a one-on-one basis to respect me. What a nightmarish creature I am, truly.

If you do not wish to change who you are, just as I did not, but also do not wish to do “immoral” things that would incite reasonable consequences, there is a balance to be struck between “same identity and morals” and “new behavior”--and that balance is different for everyone. I have worked out mine: you will have to take the time to work out yours. If you need a sounding board for that, my inbox is open, both on Tumblr and Discord.

Perhaps you do want to grow beyond your identity, whether you be a fictive or someone with a different kind of identity that influences you in ways you do not like. I think that, if this is something on your mind, it is a good idea: with this kind of thing, wanting it tends to mean you need it. Remember what I said about morality and prioritization: that is a matter of reprioritizing. For other parts of yourself: don’t think about changing what already exists. Think about adding onto it, and the change will come in time. Pick up a new hobby. Make some friends. Play a game, make a playlist of songs you like but don’t necessarily have anything to do with your fictional identity. Get involved in something creative, whether it be making or consuming, and relate to other characters. Modify your behavior in ways that make you happy, but remember two very important things: one, never change yourself because someone else wants you to, and two, changing who you are is not hypocrisy, it is growth. No one stays stagnant forever, even those of us who cling to our identities because we do not wish to move beyond them: even as myself, as Goratrix, I grow and change, but well within the bounds of what people would think is still Goratrix.

What Now?

So you have this identity steeped in fiction. So you have heard all of what I have to say thus far. Perhaps you are accepting this identity, perhaps you are struggling with it. Perhaps you want to connect with and understand it more, perhaps you have feelings you need to get off of your chest, perhaps you want to move on from it. What now?

Find community.

I cannot express enough how much community has helped me in accepting my current place in this world, who I am, and why I did the things I did—and why I do the things I do now. I am changing, just as everyone does, and accepting that has been difficult. I am more social in a positive sense than I have been since my pre-vampirism days (which was about a thousand years ago) and I had a hard time accepting that until I began to make friends in the community who I legitimately enjoy speaking with.

Communities of this type, I’m sorry to say, cannot be found in broad social media spaces like Tumblr or Twitter. It’s too chaotic, too public, too out there—smaller communities are our best bet. Earlier, I asked you all to give me examples of community spaces where people like us can go to find refuge and no judgment while we work through, or even just live as, our identities—I recommend going through those and finding places that you feel might work for you. Again: I run the fictionkind Dreamwidth—which, despite its name, welcomes anyone with any kind of fiction-based identity—and we put up with no harassment or judgment of any type. That kind of behavior gets corrected, and if it continues, the offending party is removed. There are plenty of spaces for people who want to be judgmental and downright bitchy: let us have our havens, of which there are precious few. It is vital that your only external acknowledgement of your identity not be toxic—the self-hatred and emotional damage that can result from that is something that I am sure many of you are all too familiar with.

I will say, however, that “community” does not mean “fandom.” I do not recommend engaging with your source’s fandom in the context of your identity: in most cases, this will lead to misunderstanding and harassment. Many people with fiction-based identities avoid fandom, period—I am one of these people. I cannot stand it. This goes doubly so for interacting with creators of a source in your capacity as your fiction-based identity—I recommend that you do not engage with them outwardly as this. This cannot go well: it will only make you and them uncomfortable. The possible exception to this is when it comes to, say, having an identity based on a friend’s OC or similar—since they know you, or a member of your system, they might be more accepting, or they might be more upset. Know that you did nothing wrong in having this identity, and that it may be best to not tell them to avoid the potential hangup of them getting upset at the implication that you know their character better than they do. I would typically err on the side of not saying anything, but I will leave that in your capable hands. You may want to get advice from community members on a case-by-case basis if you are unsure of how to proceed.

In addition to finding community, I recommend that you do writings on your identity. They don’t have to be pages and pages long: just a few paragraphs journaling your experiences would do. Write essays if you’d like, or just bullet-pointed thoughts. Answer prompts. Do creative writing exercises. You can keep these to yourself, or you can post them, which I would encourage. It can be immensely helpful to a newly-awakened or formed individual to find writings, no matter how small, from someone like them. The feeling of “thank God I’m not alone” cannot be underestimated.

Post them on your blog, or in your smaller community. Post them on your personal website—yes, your personal website, which you should have if you do any significant amount of writing, just ask Page—or anywhere else you can slot them in. Write for yourself, and write for your past self who may have wished that there was more out there to guide them and make them feel like they were not alone. I know I wish that there had been more out there when I formed—other VTM fictives, more writings from other “problematic” beings. Write to understand and accept yourself, write to heal from any damages inflicted on you because of or by this identity, write to leave something for future wanderers of our breed—whatever your reason, I implore you to write. Write and find community: spend time with people. Find elders of your community and speak to them—they have more insight than you can imagine, more ideas than you realize, and less time and energy to implement them than anyone would prefer.

If you want to put yourself out there and build community, help run events, do things, excellent. I would love to see it, and I’m sure that others here would, as well. If you want to just exist with your identity, maybe answer a few prompts, talk to some people—that’s all you need. You need not do anything to deserve to exist as you are—you are more than enough, dear listener, and never, ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

At this point, my long paragraphs of thoughts are over. I want to hear what you have to say. I made sure to get as much time as I could for you to ask questions, speak your comments, voice your concerns. This is your time: I am sure many of you have questions, at least. Ask away.

Closing Notes (Post-questions)

Our time is running short, and we must end the panel at this point. I will be available via Discord PM for anyone who still has questions or wishes to speak to me about anything; my inbox on Tumblr is open as well, for those who would rather communicate there or send me something anonymously. Please remember that the anonymous toggle is a privilege, not a right, and if you use it to send cruel or rude messages to me, I will block you without reply and eventually disable the ability to use it.

Before we go, however, I wanted to read you my favorite poem. I formed during last year’s Othercon, and my first memory of this world is Pale reading this poem at the beginning of his panel, which had a similar theme to this one. 

This is A Monstrous Manifesto by Cat Valente.

If you are a monster, stand up.

If you are a monster, a trickster, a fiend,

If you’ve built a steam-powered wishing machine

If you have a secret, a dark past, a scheme,

If you kidnap maidens or dabble in dreams

Come stand by me.

If you have been broken, stand up.

If you have been broken, abandoned, alone

If you have been starving, a creature of bone

If you live in a tower, a dungeon, a throne

If you weep for wanting, to be held, to be known,

Come stand by me.

If you are a savage, stand up.

If you are a witch, a dark queen, a black knight,

If you are a mummer, a pixie, a sprite,

If you are a pirate, a tomcat, a wright,

If you swear by the moon and you fight the hard fight,

Come stand by me.

If you are a devil, stand up.

If you are a villain, a madman, a beast,

If you are a strowler, a prowler, a priest,

If you are a dragon come sit at our feast,

For we all have stripes, and we all have horns,

We all have scales, tails, manes, claws and thorns

And here in the dark is where new worlds are born.

Come stand by me.

We don’t tend to engage in syscourse on tumblr (if this is an uncomfortable topic to any of our followers, we probably won’t post about it much) but we’ve got some opinions to share.

Of course sysmeds are often transphobic. It’s like we always say- people who are prone to one type of bigotry are prone to others. If you’re going to judge someone on something that’s out of their control- race, identity, neurodivergency, disabilities- why would you stop there? Why not victimize others for things they can’t control?

Someone who is hateful enough to act that way can easily be swayed into hating other marginalized groups because they believe factors completely out of people’s control are moral failings and that they can and should be judged for that.

It takes literally zero effort to not be a dick to other people. Yet sysmeds claim that they’re the victim after going out of their way to harass and bully random people for literally no reason other than to make themselves feel stronger.

But at the end of the day? Sysmeds only hurt themselves. To the wider public’s eye, all of us systems are “weird” and “scary” and “insane.” They don’t care if you fit certain criteria or not. We’re traumagenic and our host’s mom was still scared of us, because ALL systems have a bad reputation in media. She didn’t go, “Oh it’s ok because you’re not one of those fakers :)” because singlets who have little knowledge of systems don’t think like that. That’s only something sysmeds think. Instead, she thought of cliches of stories of “evil voices that tell you to kill people” and she wants us to “go away.”

And even if sysmeds did succeed in making all endo systems “disappear,” do you know what would happen? They’d turn on each other to appease online places like FDC who don’t actually care about “fakers” at all, but just care about mocking neurodivergent people under a facade of morality. They’ll change the rules to keep excluding people as “fakers.” There is no “winning” in a game that focuses around hating people, because it’s only a matter of time until the hate turns on you, and you’ll have nobody to back you up when that time comes.

Being traumagenic doesn’t make you “better” or more accepted. Instead of tearing each other apart, we should be supporting each other. Plurality is a great thing and we should be working together to educate the wider public.

-Michael (he/him)

Reminder: the "sysmed is transphobic" talking point was invented as a means of revictimization

Transgender Endogenic/mixed origin systems: *exists*

Sysmeds: being a system is a mental disorder. You can't be a system without a disorder and anyone who says otherwise is just doing it for attention. Everybody, bully the ableists!

Transgender Endogenic/mixed origin systems: *refers to them as sysmeds, comparing identical talking points as well as the hate and harassment they've received from sysmeds to what they suffered from transmeds.*

Sysmeds: Now the nasty transgender endos are stealing terms from the trans community! Everybody, bully the transphobes!

Abusers love pretending to be victims. Transmeds employ the same manipulation tactics, alsi accusing anyone who disagrees with them of being transphobic.

Another thing I see is claiming sysmed is a slur. This particular tactic is borrowed from TERFs who claim the word TERF is a slur and demand to be referred to as "gender critical" instead.

To anyone who thinks there's a notable difference or that the comparison isn't valid:

In my time dealing with sysmeds, I've been harassed and fakeclaimed for my identity. I've been sent more suibait than I can count and dealt with attempts to get me banned by mass false reporting. I've been maliciously misgendered numerous time as a means to hurt me, the way transmeds have done to non-dysphoric transgender people, including by the admin of a major anti-endo server called The Survivor's Network.

Sysmeds repeatedly employ the talking points of transmeds, the tactics of transmeds and the abusive behavior of transmeds.

Then when compared to transmeds, they call the victims (who are often trans or otherwise GNC) who call them out transphobic for making the comparison.

Sysmeds don't call their victims transphobic because their victims are transphobic.

Sysmeds call their victims transphobic to silence their victims.

I think we needed to hear this

There’s things we cannot forgive that others have done to us

And Michael has things he can’t forgive himself for, and can’t accept that he’s a great person despite that

(He’s telling me that he’s not but that just isn’t true)

But in any case, it’s probably best to just let things sit for a while. To focus on getting through each day first. We barely have enough energy to take care of ourselves, let alone forgive.

-Emyr (he/it)

Literally me tbh

-Michael (he/him)

rotting

booooo tomato tomato tomato

Thanks for the free tomatos, I'll be sure to make a nice fruit salad with them

-Michael (he/him)

I was gonna just reblog and write a few notes in the tags but I ended up getting a bit carried away so I might as well write it here so that it's less of a mess to look at.

This happened to us. Our host didn't think we had it "that bad" for years and years because people just don't seem to acknowledge emotional abuse as a bad thing. "It's just a form of parenting." "Tough love."

I guess turning out to be the host of a traumagenic system made him realize it was, in fact, "that bad." So at least he doesn't have imposter syndrome anymore. But god, the imposter syndrome was so bad for him growing up. He always wondered why he was like this, why he was so anxious and unhappy. He didn't know anything about mental health so he didn't really have the words to describe his experiences or understand them.

What sucks is despite the years and years of damage it causes, this is completely fucking legal to my knowledge. You can just break your child mentally and as long as you never laid a finger on them, you're in the clear. (Though even then, some physical abuse, like spanking/beating with a belt, is "socially acceptable" as a punishment so he got away with that too.) Our abuser will never face consequences- and we're watching exactly the same thing happen again from our older brother to our nephews. The cycle of abuse continues and there's nothing we can do because it's not considered "real" abuse by the wider public, as far as I know. There's nothing we can do to help them.

All we can hope is that we can be a good enough role model to our nephews that they choose to be different than their father. That they turn out to be better men than he ever was. That they can have someone who supports them and understands when we didn't have that at their ages.

Yelling and emotional abuse is so widespread that many people just accept it as part of parenting which is why it goes unnoticed, uncared. That's why abusers get away with it again and again.

This kind of treatment, being yelled at for misbehaving or messing up, it taught us nothing other than to avoid situations, skip class if it got too hard so we wouldn't have a meltdown despite how it affected our grades because we just weren't stable enough for it. It gave us crippling anxiety and horrible perfectionism. It fucking sucks because now, even when our abuser isn't around, we still beat ourselves up because we're so used to being treated that way that we don't know how else to react.

This treatment is also why our system has so many headmates with family issues. The brain is so used to being abused from our upbringing that it just makes up new memories to be traumatized with (I mean I know that's probably not why exotrauma happens, something something processing trauma, I think, but still). Like with me, one of the traumaholders of the system, a Michael Afton fictive- I've got a couple main sources of trauma but one of them is exomemories of emotional and physical abuse from my father. The abuse was only really implied in my source, but the brain took it and ran with it. I mean, someone who kills kids isn't likely to be a good father, right?

Sorry if any fictives or kins of my father read that. It's not directed at you, I just needed to get it off my chest. It's only directed at the version of him that I remember.

But anyway, the exotrauma cooked up by our brain paralleled the host's dad in many ways, the version of my father that I remember was meant to act a lot like he did. I can't look at the host's dad without thinking of mine. I hate them both for what they did to us.

I don't have much else to ramble about so I guess that's all.

-Michael (he/him)

“Why do you beat yourself up so much over little mistakes?”

God I wish that was me

-Michael (he/him)

This happened to us with Lerian. We've played a lot of Fire Emblem games so his appearance into our system made sense, but we never played the game his species is from (he's an introject based on a species but no specific character if that makes sense- a really specific species at that, a heron laguz, so we knew exactly what he was), so we knew nothing about his people.

We only knew basic stuff about heron laguz from playing Fire Emblem Heroes, which, of course, didn't have a whole lot of info on them. So after they showed up we did a bunch of research. We tried to play Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance but our ADHD got the best of us and we didn't get very far in.

We should try playing it again sometime.

-Michael (he/him)

good afternoon systems who have introjects from a source that you know NOTHING about. like why do we have a taylor swift introject?? i know nothing about her???

This is just like our host, Emyr. He’s a big cranky dragon who needs to go outside more. So we make him go outside as much as we can. Preferably every day but that’s not always doable.

He used to be scared of bees but now he loves watching them. He’s always respected them (it was never the “kill it!” Kind of fear, just the “eeeugh stay away” kind), he just didn’t like them near him because he was afraid of being stung- but now that he understands how calm bees are, he sits really close and looks at how they work and pollinate flowers.

-Michael (he/him)

are evil dragons really evil, or are they just vitamin D deficient?

This is so real I just calculated it and roughly 70% of our system of ~25 are men or masc-aligned

-Michael (he/him)

Me: Can I even really call it trauma, though? It wasn't *that* bad, right? Other kids have definitely been through worse.

The men in my head that my brain created to love and protect me because I couldn't handle my childhood otherwise: 🧍‍♂️😐

So I’m co-con with Michael rn and I love how we had such differing reactions to this. His immediate reaction was roughly “That’s creepy,” and mine was roughly, “Aww, the lads! Look at them go!”

I guess it makes sense since music boxes are like my off switch and make me very relaxed when I hear them, which isn’t really the case for Mike, especially given how some music boxes were used in his source.

-Emyr (he/it)

For example, Toreador March. Once I put on a music box playlist to try and help Emyr calm down his anxiety and it had Toreador March in it. Immediately skipped that, no thanks.

But of course he doesn’t find this video eerie, the weirdo grew up watching Coraline since he was little and now it loves creepy shit.

-Michael Afton (he/him)

Being a fictive is fun (/s /lh) because sometimes you’ll open tumblr and the first thing you’re greeted with is thirsty artwork of your dad and then you take a massive amount of psychic damage.

The movie has only increased the frequency of these posts, unfortunately.

-Michael Afton (he/him)

My partners both in and out of my system make fun of me for having a British accent. And after all the effort I put into not having the brain change my accent to an American one (I had an American accent for a while after I showed up and it annoyed the hell out of me).

The fact that I happen to enjoy tea is not helping.

-Michael Afton (he/him)

the life of a british alter in an american system 💔

As a fictive of Michael Action I can confirm this is how I react when I interact with newer FNaF games.

“Why the fuck is there a replica of my living room in the Pizzaplex???” Is something I’ve found myself asking. (But seriously, why is that there??)

I mean, it’s bit less weird since I’m a fictive so I’m already used to my life being fiction in this reality. It’s just a bit weirder when my life is treated that way in the universe I came from, where my life was not fiction. Kinda rude, Fazbear.

-Michael (he/him)

Michael Afton plays FNAF help wanted,,

Well you see it’s easy

I’m a fictive of Michael Afton and I played the game so now it’s canon /j

-Michael Afton (he/him)

hey hw2 micheal protag enthusiast tell me your reasoning for that theory. i’m curious now. speak to me about the corpse.

🎁 Kris was the first one to do it. They were feeling lonely on their birthday (the day that they split) because our friends were busy, so they ended up intentionally introjecting Susie to keep them company. As a result, they share a birthday!

🍫 Oh absolutely. We’re primarily non-willow. As a result, we tend to not call ourselves a willowgenic or mixed origin system since that’s only the case for a few headmates. Hope it’s ok that we’re participating in this despite that :) It sounded fun and I had some time to kill.

🍰 Susie from Deltarune! As mentioned, Kris (also from Deltarune) was lonely and wanted someone around their age. Susie was a perfect choice for that.

🥄 We don’t have many, but Jeremy might also be able to be considered an unintentional willow (does that count)? He was introjected because Michael was going through exomemories and missed her a lot and wanted to see him again. It was definitely because of that that we got her- I doubt he would’ve showed up otherwise- but Mike didn’t intend for an introject to actually occur.

☕️ When Kris was introjecting Susie, they figured playing their source would help. It didn’t seem to be working and only made them feel lonely though, so they took a break to get a snack. They grabbed a juice box and asked, “Hey Susie, if you’re in there, I’ll give you a juice box.” It worked, she immediately responded.

🐸 It’s odd for them, but since both Susie and Jeremy were introjected by people they care a lot about and now get to spend time with, they’re pretty happy. Susie finds being in a human body to be weird, though. Can’t blame her, I feel the same way.

🍄 We consider ourselves to be primarily traumagenic, and most of our headmates just showed up on their own.

⭐️ I like that our headmates who miss their sourcemates have a way to see them again! Being able to introject the people they’re close to is really good for their mental health and I believe it’s an important part of recovery for some of our headmates- especially Michael, since he’s one of our traumaholders.

-Filled out by Emyr (he/it)

WILLOGENIC ASK GAME!!

🎁why did you decide to become a willower?

🍫do you have any non-willow headmates?

🍰who was your first willowmate?

🥄how many willomates do you have?

☕what's something silly about one of your willowmates?

🐸How do your willomates feel about being apart of a system?

🍄do you have any other system origins?

⭐what's your favorite part of being a willower?

This can be taken very literally with plurality. People come and go. Some headmates just disappear. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. It's sad, it can genuinely feel like they've died when they don't come back.

But that's just how it is. Plurality changes and adapts and grows, and that means that some headmates may stop appearing.

We feel bad about others missing headmates who don't front anymore even though it's mostly out of our control.

-Michael (he/him)

@funnierasafictive

We actually got a fictive of her recently. She’s my sister now. We make fun of each other for having the “wrong” accent and bond over how shitty our dad was in both of our universes.

I love my siblings. They’re all awesome.

-Michael (he/him)

open your cranial vault, I want to kiss your brain

-🐝

alas. nothing there.

Pfft that’s what I shoulda done with the audio lures. Dude’s an ass, he’d deserve that.

Also second image is such a mood. Words to live by. Life’s scary but we’re gonna keep persisting.

-Michael (he/him)

sketch dump timeee

I can confirm this is how our Michael feels, yet somehow I think he has the most partners (in and out of system) out of anyone in here? And he doesn’t understand how it happened

People just love his sadboy rizz ig

I feel like his 80’s ass would have a stroke reading that sentence

- Gourmand (they/he)

Michael to anyone who wants to date him: Honestly you probably can't do worse.