Tw Self Hate - Tumblr Posts
The Girl With The pinned Smile
there is a girl with a pinned smile that “everyone adores”
She knows what they say when she closes her door
and knows that her tears dropping like flies will not help her
The girl with the pinned smile is a model student with straight A’s
She feels like screaming every time everyone says that she will be fine when they give her double the normal amount of work
She wants to drop dead when everyone gives her all the work in a project
When she tries to tell anyone her accomplishment that she worked for and she gets in return is a “yeah, we get it you're smart.” or a “stop showing off.” She wants to stop trying.
The girl with the pinned smile won the lottery with her looks
She has such smooth skin, that isn’t covered with bumps
The bumps are scratched until crimson runs down her skin
When someone says she looks pretty she will respond “thank you!” even though she knows they are lying
When they say that she is ugly she doesn’t respond to it and walks away, and she believes it
The girl with the pinned smile says “I love you too” as she closes her door
She walks over to her mirror and looks the stranger in the eye
She unpins her permanent smile as tears race down her face, her cheeks are sore
Her perfect curls look like bramble bush on top her head
She pushes up her hair revealing the ugly bumps on her forehead
She takes off her shirt showing the bumps on her back and the ugly pudge on her stomach
She takes off her shorts, and bra
She puts on some cute pajamas that don’t match her at all
Words such as Ugly and useless cloud her head
She wants to shut them up
But she agrees with them
A small voice says the opposite she quite’s it so it is not heard
That small voice is lying
She curls up on her bed
So small in the big world
She is scared
And lonely
And fat
And loud
She wants to scream but knows that will only make her more loud
She wants to be quite, but knows that is not her
She gets up out of bed and grabs her sandals
She runs out of the house which is silent
She runs to the closed park
No one ever goes there anymore
In the dead of night when not even a mouse awake
She lets her silent scream reach the world
Having some issues with depression and bad thoughts so I'll write something. Hopefully it helps.
TW: Mentions of depression and su!cidal thoughts.
You're crying in the bathroom since you don't want to wake your f/o. The thoughts have gotten really bad.
You're ugly.
You're stupid.
You're useless.
You're a bother for everyone.
You'll never pass high school.
You'll never get your dream job.
You just want to die.
You just want to stop being alive altogether.
You sob and sniff and you know you're not even a pretty crier like in all those tv shows, movies and animes. You try to be quiet but your f/o opens the door of the bathroom, having heard you and just silently moves over to hold you tightly but gently against their chest. They just let you cry while they rub your hair and back, sometimes also kissing the top of your head softly.
You just cry and cry and they stay with you, comforting you because they know it's what you need. No words. No nothing. Just the feeling that someone for once is seeing you at your weakest and stays with you because they genuinely care. They're not gonna leave like everyone else did.
I present to you the best logical solution for when the treacherous thoughts whirls around you once more: You can list out all your F/O’s positive qualities, list yours, and compare the two to get an accurate reading for how worthy you are!
It makes sense! It’s easy!
… Right?
You lay out a paper in front of you, getting hold of your favorite utensil and beginning to scribble down your F/O’s name as a torrent of words and compliments follows. It starts out with the trickle of simple phrases like “determined, pretty, hard worker” before you’re smiling towards your paper, structured words tangling into your own croons and praises. Maybe you even laugh awkwardly as you reread what ends up looking like a gush written by a giggling schoolgirl. God, you’re so lucky to just breathe close to your F/O, not to mention have this bond with them…
Now, to write about yourself!
…Your words stutter to a stop.
Physical beauty? No— well, maybe… but no. Look at your F/O! They’re awe-inspiring and you’re simply not. All your mind could sputter out was “average at best.”
Selflessness? No, you can’t flatter yourself too much! Imagine how selfish it would be to just flaunt how chivalrous and selfless you are… No, you can’t be selfless.
Intelligence? Perhaps. But still, you blunder and fall. No. Smart people wouldn’t do that. How dare you try to call yourself smart?
Personality—? Don’t even try. You're too loud and too quiet and too annoying and too reclusive… You’re too little! Too much! Look at how perfect your F/O can be, and then look at yourself.
Sighing, you set your utensil down and lay your head down on the desk, facing away from the cursed paper.
What was even the point?
***
Golden sunlight bids you good morning. You nuzzle further into the downy softness beneath you, gasping when the emotions and memories flood back. When did you ever… lay down…?
You shake your head, sitting up in bed and finding a folded piece of paper. Through bleary eyes, perhaps only after fetching your glasses or a better light source, you find your name scribbled down just how it looked last night… yet now your F/O’s handwriting flows after it.
Words like “gorgeous” and “amazing” seem fanciful at first— Are you sure this isn’t a dream? However, your loved one’s words meander through the page and into sweet sentences highlighting every part of you your F/O has met and hopes to meet. Their letters dance on the page. It’s easy to tell how lovestruck they were — where they were chuckling at the memories you made together and where they had pounced back onto the paper, bursting with ideas everytime they thought their well of praises had dried.
Your F/O loves you. Maybe you don’t see it yet, maybe the insecurities are telling you otherwise. Regardless, they couldn’t fathom a single reason as to why they’d abandon you. Your F/O is happy to show you just how deep their love for you runs until the day comes you’re sure of your worth.
If you can’t see it for yourself, let them be your eyes.
Me: Does/remembers doing One (1) kind of shitty thing
Me: Infinity seems miniscule compared to how awful I am
On the one hand, I hate myself and how much I found near to zero motivation with doing my actual responsibilities. Currently working on it.
On the other, I’m actually proud on how I’m starting to slowly do baby steps on actually doing something progressive to my dreams, or at least to myself.
Yeah, I’m 50/50