My Feelings Put Into Words

my feelings put into words

writing my insane thoughts😘

yknow when you wear a big hoodie and let the sleeves fall way past your hands and then you flap your hands…that’s good fun

something I need to learn

23 & Lost

When I was a kid, my career choice was always changing. I wanted to be a Teacher, Doctor, Firefighter, Marine Biologist and so many more. Junior year of high school is when the stress of what I wanted to be began. In English, we had to write a report on our career choice. I still can't believe I went through with it but, at the time it's what I was interested in. Bass Guitarist in a band. My other option was Paranormal Investigator.

Anyways, by the time I finished high school, I had become a CNA. I was set. I wasn't planning on continuing to college because I already had my career. My mom thought otherwise. She "forced" me to go to college because "I had to." Honestly I think it was more because a lot of people on the family never went. Also, she didn't have the opportunity to go so I guess she wanted to live the experience through me.

I eventually lost my license because I never worked as a CNA. By the time that happened, I was studying for Early Childhood Education. I felt passionate about it. I love helping others. I love children. Teaching was always one of my go-to answers whenever I was asked what I wanted to be.

I chose ECE because it was a Teaching Degree and my ultimate goal was to be a teacher in South Korea. I had everything thought out and planned. Get my degree, apply with companies and hopefully pass and eventually move to South Korea. Despite having many doubters and nay-sayers, I was determined. Not only because I've been interested in all things South Korea but I'd be working as something I felt passionate about.

Things didn't work out that way.

I met my husband during that time, I'm pretty sure it was love at first sight. We got married after a year and here I am now. I eventually stopped going to college because since I was now married, there was no way I could move to SK. I come from a very old-fashion, traditional Mexican family. Once you're married, everything is about the Man. Thankfully, my husband doesn't see things that way and we're equal.

He encourages me to go back to school for whatever it is I want to do. The problem is, I no longer have the passion for anything. I don't know what it is I want to do. After having my life planned out, going through the roller coaster that is life and not being able to follow my Dream, I feel lost. Stuck. Caught at the center of a split road and having a hard time deciding if I should go left or right. My anxiety and depression don't help much either.

At the moment, I have no clue what to do with my life but, I hope I'm eventually hit with inspiration.

“One’s mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.” - Oliver Wendell Holmes