Why Did I Cheat?

Why did I cheat?  

I cheated to feel a private victory over him. I didn’t want to actually hurt him; he wasn’t ever supposed to ever find out.  It was my secret; just my little reminder that not everyone shared his opinion of me.  Even if that was just because they didn’t know me well enough to see all my ugly bits as he did.

I cheated to feel better about myself. They told me I was irresistible, funny, and interesting. That he was a fool for neglecting me. They flattered me to get what they wanted. I knew that, but pretended like they were pining for the woman they couldn't actually have. It inflated me temporarily, which was enough some days to prevent me from killing myself.

I cheated to distract myself and have something to look forward to. My meets ups were never near as exciting as the planning and build up. A little adrenaline to supplement the cortisol. Good substitute for the old s and d, right? Right.

I cheated to detach myself further.  Meaningless sex made me colder, cynical, unfeeling. Heartless. You would be amazed what you can endure when nothing matters.

I cheated to survive. That's not an excuse. That is a statement.

Inheritance

My eldest brother has a substance abuse problem. A few years ago my parents had to bail him out of a huge financial hole he dug for himself and his wife.

My dad was furious. FURIOUS. Contemplating-going-to-the-lawyer-to-change-the-will kind of furious.

I am not a fan of my brother, but I talked my dad down anyway. Dad was angry, and that's a terrible time to make big financial decisions. 

When I informed him that Dad was considering taking my brother out of the will and I had talked him out of it, he was so angry with me. "You just fucked yourself. You fucked us!"

He wasn't a fan of my brother either, but he just thought he was a bit of a dope. He didn't really know/register my dislike for him or the reasons for it. So he just wanted me to sell my brother up the creek so I'd get a part of his inheritance. And by "I" we know I mean "we" which we know means "he."

He makes me so sick.

I have received far too many positive, sweet messages recently and I am compelled to remind you all that I am far from blameless. 

Full disclosure.

I cheated. Yes, I’m one of those horrible people.

And not just once. It was systematic. It spanned years, and with multiple people. I was trying to heal myself, give myself a moment of reprieve, find that light heartedness that makes life manageable.

What it actually did was cause further destruction to my self worth. And I handed him a weapon and an excuse that he used to torture me further for another two years.

My actions are inexcusable. I have no one to blame for them but myself. I have been wrought at the idea that I have inflicted pain. It is done and cannot be undone. I can only be better moving forward.

While there is a whole lot of sadness associated with the decision I had to make, there is not one ounce of regret. I made the right decision.

This is what a real, qualified OBGYN will tell you about what women feel when they get an abortion

Dr. Willie Parker, who is trained as a gynecologist and OBGYN, is a hero for the pro-choice movement because he’s honest about the undiscussed aspects of getting (or not getting) an abortion. Watch how he gives a consultation.

stop giving men so many allowances. if he’s cheating on his girlfriend w you and promising time after time that he’ll end it one day, he doesn’t respect you. if he likes you and another girl but can’t decide who he wants and he’s stringing you both along, he doesn’t value you. if you’re giving him orgasms day after day and he doesn’t attempt to return even half the favor, he’s wasting your time. it’s such a red flag when you talk to your friends about someone and have to explain their behavior w excuses. sometimes things really are as simple as they seem. if from the outside it looks like he doesn’t care, then he doesn’t care

You have a beautiful soul!

I think we are trained to see the worst in ourselves, so I can only hope that is true.  Thank you for being so generous and taking the time to message me.  Some days are worse than others and today was difficult.  Seeing your message made it a little brighter. Kindness never ceases to overwhelm me :)   Keep being wonderful.