I Am Going Through Some Of My Old Emails. I Think I've Started To Hate Him. Seeing Even Bits Of These

I am going through some of my old emails. I think I've started to hate him. Seeing even bits of these messages fills me with shame, which in turn causes anger.

How dare he make me feel that shitty about myself?!

Actually, I do know. He has probably spent his life bullying and manipulating people into doing what, when, and how he wants while devaluing themselves and their contributions.

He must have worked with people that didn't call him on mistakes, oversights or inappropriate behaviour that he tried to heave on someone else.

He told me once that he takes credit for everything that happened at his workplace because that's how you get ahead. I told him it was more in my nature to praise my team, since they do the heavy lifting. He said that humility doesn't exemplify confidence and I am not promotable.

I called him on being contradictory. I called him on it when he was being abusive. I called him on it when he tried to manipulate me. And I called him on it when he tried to run my department. It wasn't always graceful, and at times I was consumed with self doubt. But i held my ground, and I can't tell you how proud of myself I am.

I also had a good relationship with my staff and he envied that. I believe you earn the respect of your team by valuing what they do and treating them like people. He believes you demand respect from the title you hold and being at the top should make you invincible.

Well. I found out he resigned from his position. Funny how that all worked out.

Not that it particularly matters, but that interaction with my boss was the last one I had with him. No good luck wish, no hand shake, nothing.

He hated me to my very core and I have no idea why.

Today, he won't even look at me.

I auditioned for a show I REALLY wanted and was not cast. I feel this is the end of my youth.

[while choking back a sob, tears visible] i’m good dude i’m so good. i’m way fucking. good. man. i’m GOOD

I've been following you for a while and I just wanted to say that I love seeing you get better and better!!! Recovery is so hard but the thought that you will be okay makes me so happy

You are so sweet for reaching out to me. I wonder sometimes why anyone would want to read this thing, but if you find a bit of validation or hope in my clumsy attempt at recovery I am glad for it.

Healing is very hard, but it's the best decision I've ever made. There are still so many miserable days, but I feel like I'm in control of my brain again. And that's a start.

I hope that you remember how strong you are as you push through whatever struggles you are going through. Know that you aren't alone, and that you deserve kindness and peace. Reach out again if you need to.