This Post Gets A Bit Explicit With Named Body Parts, Dubious Consent And Some Violence. For The Record,

This post gets a bit explicit with named body parts, dubious consent and some violence. For the record, there are likely people who enjoy some of the things he did to me. I am totally in support of people getting off the ways they like to get off. Please understand that I am condemning these actions as symptoms of the horrible power imbalance in my relationship, lack of consent, and intention to hurt me and make me uncomfortable.

My clitoris is pretty sensitive. I have a hard time with direct stimulation - it's "too much" at times, but i can work through it slowly with some patience.

He used to do things that would make me jump and guard it because he said it was 'hot.' He used to shock me with this contraption he made- a few times me made me let him shock my clitoris directly despite my regular and continual protests and insistence that I wouldn't like it. "Just try it" he said as he held me down and did it. I cried. And he threw the contraption at me telling me that I was boring and never wanted to try anything new.

He bit me once, when he did me the magnificent and rare gesture of going down on me. Chomped on my clit because he thought I wasn't conveying my enjoyment sufficiently. I screamed and cried and bucked him off. "Oh, so you can make noise. I was just checking."

He pinched it when I wasn't doing exactly what he wanted when we were fucking, and loved experimenting with all manners of things whether i wanted to or not ( cold, hot, food, lubes, creams, toys, etc). So anytime he got near it i tensed my pelvis muscles to guard it.

Survival.

when lizzo said “self love is survival” and when hannah gadsby said “do you understand what self-deprecation means when it comes from somebody who already exists in the margins? it’s not humility. it’s humiliation” and when mitski said “i used to rebel by destroying myself, but realized that’s awfully convenient to the world. for some of us our best revolt is self preservation”

Actually, I do know. He has probably spent his life bullying and manipulating people into doing what, when, and how he wants while devaluing themselves and their contributions.

He must have worked with people that didn't call him on mistakes, oversights or inappropriate behaviour that he tried to heave on someone else.

He told me once that he takes credit for everything that happened at his workplace because that's how you get ahead. I told him it was more in my nature to praise my team, since they do the heavy lifting. He said that humility doesn't exemplify confidence and I am not promotable.

I called him on being contradictory. I called him on it when he was being abusive. I called him on it when he tried to manipulate me. And I called him on it when he tried to run my department. It wasn't always graceful, and at times I was consumed with self doubt. But i held my ground, and I can't tell you how proud of myself I am.

I also had a good relationship with my staff and he envied that. I believe you earn the respect of your team by valuing what they do and treating them like people. He believes you demand respect from the title you hold and being at the top should make you invincible.

Well. I found out he resigned from his position. Funny how that all worked out.

Not that it particularly matters, but that interaction with my boss was the last one I had with him. No good luck wish, no hand shake, nothing.

He hated me to my very core and I have no idea why.

Self doubt, my old friend.

victims of abuse be like, this person has now made me cry myself to sleep about 30 times, i have flashbacks of things they’ve done and said to me, they know how to hit me right in my worst insecurity and guilt so i feel horrible for days and months, their comments make me feel worthless and like i shouldn’t even be alive, and being around them makes me feel small and meaningless and sometimes suicidal but maybe that’s just me, maybe they’re not abusive? i have to give them benefit of the doubt, what if i’m not justified to kick them out of my life?

I am going through some of my old emails. I think I've started to hate him. Seeing even bits of these messages fills me with shame, which in turn causes anger.

How dare he make me feel that shitty about myself?!

Still

Fifteen years later.  I don’t really remember who I was before I met him.