Survival.

Survival.

when lizzo said “self love is survival” and when hannah gadsby said “do you understand what self-deprecation means when it comes from somebody who already exists in the margins? it’s not humility. it’s humiliation” and when mitski said “i used to rebel by destroying myself, but realized that’s awfully convenient to the world. for some of us our best revolt is self preservation”

Depression is hitting pretty hard. The last few job prospects were not what i thought they were.

My last paycheck will be November 15 and i have nothing to replace it.

My woman has already insisted she buy me snow tires, because I advised that I won't have the money to buy them at this time. This makes me ashamed. Especially since she has been stretched thin lately herself.

And a quick flashback to a conversation with my Father yesterday who helpfully reminded me that i "shouldn't be depending on anybody." Thanks, Pops, for the pep talk.

And i still have to go to this place for another 8 shifts. Once again, I'd like to ask why I have to be in this discouraging position while my shithead, incompetent, mysogenist boss suffers with none of it.

I'm resigning from my job tomorrow. As of right now i will be without work at the end of the month ( if he doesn't fire me first).

Him: YOU ARE SUCH A STUPID LAZY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I LET YOU BE HERE? I'VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES. THIS PLACE IS SO FUCKING FILTHY. I CAN'T EVEN INVITE SOMEONE OVER. IT'S EMBARRASSING. JUST BECAUSE YOU GREW UP IN FILTH WITH YOUR FUCKING PARENTS DOESN'T MEAN YOU STAY THAT WAY. I KEEP FUCKING TRYING TO FIX YOU BUT YOU'RE SO FUCKING USELESS AND HOPELESS.

Me: *quietly tends to the plate and glass in the sink that spawned this outburst*

Him: *glaring at me*

Me: *makes eye contact quickly to reassure him that I am not ignoring him (because he really REALLY doesn't like that) but not long enough to encourage a smack to the face or more yelling*

Him: what?

Me: *smiles and shakes head*

Him: What? You don't want to talk to me? Fine. Fuck this. *Goes to the basement to play games for 6 hours*

Me: *exhales silently*

Deja-vu

Yesterday I got reamed out by my boss for doing what he asked me to do. It's very familiar.

I gave them until October 25. I was too generous.

I made these and I'm quite pleased with how they turned out. I'm always a little surprised when I can do things, since he said I can't do anything right.

Turns out, he's wrong.

Here is to another year of pumpkin carving and another year of healing. Happy Halloween friends.