I Survived - Tumblr Posts
RUSSIAN ROULETTE
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I couldn’t help myself!
( This is t very good, but, I’ve never really done that kind of stuff!)
This one hurts so bad and heals so good.
It's been a year.
Midnight tonight will mark 1 year from the worst experience of my life.
#1 on the list
At this very moment one year ago, I was in labour.
On the evening of November 8 -9, 2016 he came in me without my permission. In his defense I believe it was an accident. I had, at that time, miscalculated my cycle, and thought I was not in a red zone. I was incorrect. Weeks later I felt a flutter, did the usual stuff to confirm, and found out for sure. Pregnant.
I already had the appointment booked when I told him; most of me knew this was the right decision, but a little part of me hoped he’d try to talk me out of it. In retrospect it was absolutely the right decision for several reasons and if I hadn’t had that appointment booked when I told him, I’m confident he would have punched me in the stomach.
He didn’t talk me out of it, and it was made clear to me that this was something I had to handle alone. He came to the hospital with me for the preliminary appointment and thought he had done me a great service. He advised that I was not welcome at his (once our) home despite the fact that he had put me in the predicament. If I wanted him to join me, I would have to pay for a hotel. As I was spending every dime I had at the time on him - feeding him, clothing him, entertaining him, I had my cards maxed and couldn’t afford it. He was very charitable with his next option - he’d go to sleep, but he’d unblock me so I could call him and keep his phone on.
So I did it alone.
What I endured was a trauma I may never get over. Some women have unpleasant period sensations. I went through 16 hours of labour mixed with a bad reaction to the medication. Vomit, diarrhea, sweating, chills, shakes and delirium, all alone in my parents basement, trying to be quiet to not wake them in the very early morning of Christmas Eve.
I have plenty of terrible options to choose from, but this was hands down, the absolute worst, horrible thing that has ever happened to me.
And he made me do it alone. What kind of man would abandon a woman like that?
This was the first time the veil got pulled back for me and I saw a glimpse of clarity through the fog. This was the first time I thought about my life critically in years. I thought about what I wanted in life and what I needed to get there. I felt strong - such an unusual feeling - like I could endure anything.
And then I thought about what I didn’t want to endure anymore, and what I no longer needed in my life. A whole bunch of uncomfortable questions emerged.
This was the first step back.
Contrast
I knew what was best for all involved when I found out, but a part of me wanted it to be different.
He lost his mind. He. Lost. His. Mind. I mean, falling to the floor wailing and flailing. It lasted nearly an hour.
Then he proceeded to bully me. He told me that he and his mother would fight me for custody so they could put it up for adoption. That I would be the unfittest of mothers - that I was so fucked up that he would call Children’s Aid to take them away. This was all after he was aware that I had an appointment. He was just ensuring that I went to it, I suppose.
He didn’t understand my reaction when he told me some weeks later about his friend’s handling of his girlfriend’s unexpected pregnancy. She was upset as money was tight and they weren’t in a great place for it at the time. Her partner’s reaction?
“Babe, don’t worry. We’ll handle it together; we’ll make it work”
I survived that. I survived him. I can survive this. I can survive anything.
Shadows
Sometime in the last year I forgot myself and flashed him a defiant eye. He smacked me across my face. Not enough to leave a shiner, but hard enough for the sting to linger.
The ultimate.
He didn't think the way I masturbated was the right way to do it. He expected me to change my methods.
My humanity ebbing away.
"Can I have a hug?"
"What makes you think you deserve one?"
A little over a week ago I was going through a strong " missing him" phase. At those times I try to reread some of my old posts to snap out of it.
This one is a gem.
IT WAS THAT BAD
When we were working on the basement last summer, he got some concrete work done. So there was some time where the floor in the basement was all broken up. He told me if I kept upsetting him he’d bury my body there and cover me up with concrete.
No one would ever know.
He cut me off a year ago today.
Best thing he probably ever did for me.
Tw - fat shaming
When he thought, at one point, i had put on too much weight he told me he would not stick with a woman who let herself go.
According to him, men don't like bigger women. In fact all men really like the same body type - very thin. Any man who says otherwise is just saying so for woke points.
Men who date bigger girls do so because they lack the confidence to pursue "better" women.
He didn't lack confidence, so I had to nip that issue in the bud. Or accept the consequences.
A year ago today was the day I started to want to feel better.
Actually, I do know. He has probably spent his life bullying and manipulating people into doing what, when, and how he wants while devaluing themselves and their contributions.
He must have worked with people that didn't call him on mistakes, oversights or inappropriate behaviour that he tried to heave on someone else.
He told me once that he takes credit for everything that happened at his workplace because that's how you get ahead. I told him it was more in my nature to praise my team, since they do the heavy lifting. He said that humility doesn't exemplify confidence and I am not promotable.
I called him on being contradictory. I called him on it when he was being abusive. I called him on it when he tried to manipulate me. And I called him on it when he tried to run my department. It wasn't always graceful, and at times I was consumed with self doubt. But i held my ground, and I can't tell you how proud of myself I am.
I also had a good relationship with my staff and he envied that. I believe you earn the respect of your team by valuing what they do and treating them like people. He believes you demand respect from the title you hold and being at the top should make you invincible.
Well. I found out he resigned from his position. Funny how that all worked out.
Not that it particularly matters, but that interaction with my boss was the last one I had with him. No good luck wish, no hand shake, nothing.
He hated me to my very core and I have no idea why.
I'm a year older today. So that's kinda fun. Still no twink in sight, but hey, I'm not dead!
I poisoned some of these chalices
Drink from one anyways for fun
Well now it is because I have dis >:)
NO NO HECK, HELP ME I HAVE A ORTHODONTIST APPOINTMENT IN 10 MINITUES. NO ONE TOLD ME!!
