I'm Lying In Bed Next To My Amazing Woman, Who, Moments Ago, I Woke Up So That She'd Hold Me While I

I'm lying in bed next to my amazing woman, who, moments ago, i woke up so that she'd hold me while I sobbed. For no reason that I can confirm. I am calm now and I feel her drifting off next to me. It's peaceful.

I spent so many nights attempting to pace away my anxiety and dread in the basement alone. I didn't want the creaky floorboards in our old house to wake him.

Waking him was always bad. Especially if I was looking for comfort. His demons were to be soothed, attended and deferred to. Mine, likely only an excuse for my shortcomings, were mine. What business were they of his?

2020

Sorry for my absence. The holidays have some traumatic landmark memories for me, and I did my best to avoid all things that trigger.

Overall, I was successful. And my woman is doing her best to help me make some happier memory associations. She got me an xmas tree this year and a whole bunch of lights and ornaments.

I would say that I am cautiously looking forward to next year. At least the decorating part. I guess we can call that progress.

Against some of my more rational thinking, i tried to see if I could find the woman on Facebook.

I think she has me blocked because I couldn't find her and I definitely found her before. Which means he would have asked her to block me. He must be afraid.

That gives me immense satisfaction.

It's been 105 weeks since I last contacted him.

FuuuuUUUUUCCCKKK

One of my clients is someone he used to work with. They've kept in touch. Dan doesn't keep friends very well, but they're friendsish.

This very vague and loose connection was irksome at first, as my ex could have used him to attempt to fish for information about me. I've relaxed a lot since then he's always remained focused on the business and never asked any probing or suspicious questions. All of the information he had access to was stuff my ex already knew, so no additional risk.

Well.

I stopped by his house to pick up some documents today and there's a person i know from my theatre group sitting on his couch. They met on Bumble and have been dating for 6 months.

We're not best friends or anything, but she's on my Facebook and has seen pics of me and my woman together. She knows I've moved just outside of my city. She knows I'm involved in a theatre production right now. She knows things that could trickle down to my ex through my client that would give him more information.

She may even say something off hand that would be damning. Like how I'm queer. I have no idea how he would react to news like that, but I'd bet money it wouldn't be good.

No longer a low risk connection. And I'm fucking LOSING IT. AGAIN.

If I made it twice a month I "never" made it. If I made it three times a month I "always" made it. I ruined his favourite dishes by making them too often. But I also never made them enough.

My head was always spinning.

Food was always a Thing

He'd tell me he was bored with the food I made so I'd find a new recipe. He would criticise everything about it, say it looked disgusting and ask why I was so stupid.

So he'd give me one to try, I'd make it and he'd love it. If I made it again, it was never as good as the first time. If I made it again he hated it. If I never made it again he would tell me that he loved it and I was withholding it because I was lazy/a cunt.