Every Fall My Mental Health Dissolves. You Can Set Your Watch By It.

Every fall my mental health dissolves. You can set your watch by it.

Daymare

I had one yesterday. That's the only way I can describe it.

I was back in the house Spring 2015ish. I was in my current headspace, though, like I used a time machine. I was hellbent on getting out as soon as possible, but I figured it would take me two days to orchestrate.

My plan was detailed: how to get and where to find boxes (cold room - he rarely went in there), how to move everything, (bring some to folks night before) who would help me, (two friends chomping at the bit to get me out of there), and what I would do differently (take ALL of my things, sell the house, take my share)

What made it horrible was the realization that I had to suffer him for that time.  

I'd have to talk to him. I'd have to have sex with him to keep him from being suspicious, and then share a bed.  Then I'd have to break the news: he’d no longer have me to abuse.

The feelings I had knowing he was near came back by a fraction, and I was sick. I spent over an hour huddled in the shower.

How on earth did I live like that for so long?

A quote.

Abuser, while insulting you, threatening you, dehumanizing you and/or beating you: Stop making me look like the bad guy

She's upstairs baking while I'm in the basement wrapping presents. I keep laughing as I'm scrambling to hide her gifts every time she comes down to make me do 'quality control."

Four years ago I couldn't even imagine a life this peaceful.

You'd be surprised what you can live through.

me while living at my parent's house: its not that bad its not that bad

me after running away: I have no idea how I survived a second of that it was fucking horrible

Lights at the end of tunnels

From time to time I receive messages from survivors at various stages in the recovery process.  

First, I am honoured that you trust me with your stories (some of you telling someone for the first time!), and that you think I may have something of value to say to you.

Second, I’m sorry I don’t always respond promptly.  I can get overwhelmed easily and that slows my response time.  Sometimes by, like, months.

Third, if there is one thing I wish I could have convinced myself of earlier it would be that being alone is not the worst.  It takes practice, but it can be pretty great.

You are awesome (yes, I promise), and spending time nurturing your interests can be an amazing part of your healing.  Someone tried to erase my personality; I took it back, piece by piece, doing new things or re-discovering the old ones that make me happy.  

Being beholden to no one is freedom, and it was important for me to get to know, sort out, and trust my head again.

Alone there are so many possibilities that don’t exist in the vacuum of an abusive relationship.  So many possibilities for a content, peaceful existence. 

I hope you believe me.

Happy New Year.