Being Sick Is An Excuse: Episode 3

Being sick is an Excuse:  Episode 3

I had mono about 9 years ago.  I was awake for 4ish hours a day, and just could not function for the rest.  He could have threatened me with a knife and I wouldn’t have woken up or moved.

I spent my 4 hours of consciousness taking care of him while he sat on his computer and played video games.  Cooked his dinner and lunches (I couldn’t swallow without immense pain, so I don’t think I ate?), did laundry, washed dishes, cleaned the bathroom, and then passed out.

Most people would help/comfort their partner.  Him? 

“Well if you’re going to be allowed to slack so much, you need to make up for it.”

I have gone 194 weeks without contacting him.

Unfortunately, I still think about him often, but everytime I do I try to remember to take a deep breath and focus on exhaling fully.

It releases my chest muscles; a thing that I could never do with him.

The memories I have of him and the abuse blur and refocus seemingly at random, so it can be difficult to consciously remember a specific thing at a given time.

But that feeling of my ribs being seemingly sewn shut endures and serves as the reference point for my progress.

It's been 194 weeks and I can breathe now.

Daymare where I am in court because he's trying to get some money Ive come in to. He's telling the judge how terrible I am, and I'm just trying to explain that I just want to be left alone.

Aaaannnd I'm crying over the pancakes I'm making.

I’ve come to the conclusion that he must be painfully torn these days.

While the anti-mask/vax clusterfuck tends to also exude that xenophobic vibe that resonated deep in his poisonous soul, he had been telling me for years about how ‘man-made’ pandemics were coming and they were going to be deadly.

He’s probably showering in Lysol while jerking off to the PPC’s platform.  And then struggling with an identity crisis.  

I’d honestly forgotten about this blog until you liked some of my posts today. I went through it for a while and remembered how it made me feel a year ago—the feeling of solidarity and even some peace. For whatever it’s worth, one stranger to another, I appreciate the hell out of you. Thank you for reminding me that healing and love are possible after trauma. I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago, in a loving relationship with my own partner, but some days (like today) are still pretty tough. So again, thank you.

I try to go through the blogs of any likes I get in a vain attempt to stem the bot tide (oh my, is that ever an uphill battle I am losing). I don't know if you'd liked one of my posts or if I fell through a rabbit hole, but that's the process that led me to discover you. I stayed for a while because your content gave me the same feelings: solidarity, peace, and a reminder that healing is a continued mission that is challenging but worth it.

So I also appreciate the hell out of you, and I appreciate the the time you took to send a kind message. I'm so glad you're in a better place these days, and you have someone who treats you with the kindness and respect that you deserve.

I'm sorry your day wasn't a good one; We all know the "recovery is not linear" thing, but that doesn't make the bad days feel any less discouraging. I hope today feels at least a little different and you have some good things to surround yourself with. Take care of yourself, and feel free to reach out again if you ever get the inkling.

-EDG

I cannot tell you how much kind, supportive and gentle friends matter in the struggle to free yourself. I have said it before and I will say it again, true friendship is the world's most underrated relationship.

I know that having a friend who's in an abusive relationship puts you in a terrible position, and you probably feel powerless as you watch them suffer. But believe it or not, you're not as powerless as you think. My friends played a pivotal role in my escape.

Support means everything.

I survived an abusive relationship. At this point I have talked to and worked with hundreds of people in abusive relationships.

Guess what? telling us to leave never works.

ever.

I could write a post about ways to help people leave.

I’ll probably do that one day.

but don’t be that person in the mean time.