I Cannot Tell You How Much Kind, Supportive And Gentle Friends Matter In The Struggle To Free Yourself.

I cannot tell you how much kind, supportive and gentle friends matter in the struggle to free yourself. I have said it before and I will say it again, true friendship is the world's most underrated relationship.

I know that having a friend who's in an abusive relationship puts you in a terrible position, and you probably feel powerless as you watch them suffer. But believe it or not, you're not as powerless as you think. My friends played a pivotal role in my escape.

Support means everything.

I survived an abusive relationship. At this point I have talked to and worked with hundreds of people in abusive relationships.

Guess what? telling us to leave never works.

ever.

I could write a post about ways to help people leave.

I’ll probably do that one day.

but don’t be that person in the mean time.

Or what?!

On rare occasions, I would take the tiniest step toward defending myself.

“Please don’t talk to me like that.”

The response was always the same.  

“Or what?!”

“Or nothing? Just don’t.”

He did not know how to navigate a world without threats.  I didn’t use a threat to establish a boundary and he interpreted that as a green light to continue the behaviour. He thought I offered nothing of value if I didn’t see it as something to withhold.

Don’t get me wrong here.  There are consequences for your actions, and repeated disrespect in a relationship probably should end in its termination. But a constant tit for tat situation is petty at best, and that’s not the type of partner I am.

So I never took that bait and I think I disappointed him with my response.  He had probably rehearsed a nasty retort to  “Or I’ll leave you” that he never got to use. Pity.

If you need a wholesome and calming presence, may I introduce you to Quincy...

Being sick is an excuse: Episode 2

He read that period cramps really aren't that bad, and that women fake the pain to get out of things or garner sympathy. On the scale of what others with uteri have, i get off easy. But there's usually a fee hours a month where I'm going to bed and not getting anything done.

He realized that if he screamed in my face long enough I'd get up and do what he wanted. Id just work through the pain.

And he'd say "see? It's not so bad. You can still do it.." in a tone that implied that he had done me a favour.

The worst is when he did it to my parents. I felt so bad for them and ashamed of him. I don't ever need to worry about that again, and that eases some stress during the holidays.

I hope you all find some peace tonight and throughout the year to come. You deserve it.

Joyless Giving

The holidays have some truly terrible memories for me, but every year was miserable with a person like him.

Giving him gifts filled me with such dread.  He was so particular. If he didn’t like a gift, he’d tell you and he’d also berate you for being stupid. This wasn’t exclusive to me, but it was heightened to dangerous levels for me.

I would call him a spoiled brat if his hissy fits weren’t so terrifyingly violent.

Sometimes he was easy and said “This is what I want.” It may put me in debt, but at least I wasn’t going to be spit-screamed at.

Other years it was “buy me a new wardrobe” and refusing to answer follow up questions. I was panic-stricken; making the wrong decisions was Bad™, and with such vague instructions I was destined to mess something up.

I used to like giving gifts, but now I approach it with apprehension. He took the joy out of it. 

He took the joy out of everything.

Hindsight.

Weaponized incompetence my ass just weaponize it back. Once my dad tries to pull the “but I don’t know how to clean the counters as well as you” on my mom and she said “ok honey I’ll show you” and she made him stand in the kitchen and watch her clean the counters. Then she pulled out a bottle of chocolate syrup and proceeded to spray the entire kitchen in chocolate, hand him the sponge and said “okay now it’s your turn”