Devolving

Devolving

But I'm guessing you already knew that.

His racism was the source of so many of our fights. It led to an outburst of violence at least once. At the time I chastised myself for not keeping my mouth shut; I could let so much else go without a word. But not the nonsensical bile he spewed at the world's current favourite scapegoat

Now I feel a little proud for not backing down. I lost a lot of myself throughout all of this, but not everything.

Careful.

When I was young, I romanticised suffering. I hoped that some day I would have terrible things happen to me. It would make me glamorous and interesting and everyone would be dying to talk to the girl who'd experienced real darkness.

I learned to keep house impeccably. Not only to keep you from becoming agitated, but also to keep my mind and hands occupied on simple, mind numbing yet mildly satisfying tasks.

Busy hands do not shake, and a busy mind does not dwell on that bruise on my shoulder from last night.

Just barely.

Um.

What they don't tell you about the grief stages is that they aren't a linear progression. They kind of splatter all over the place.

Today I saw a bit of rage - I got in a screaming "Fuck You" match with someone over a parking space. I think if she had come near me I would have stabbed her with the pen in my pocket.

I am certain this goes without saying, but it wasn't about the parking spot. * Insert cringing emoji here *