Um.

Um.

What they don't tell you about the grief stages is that they aren't a linear progression. They kind of splatter all over the place.

Today I saw a bit of rage - I got in a screaming "Fuck You" match with someone over a parking space. I think if she had come near me I would have stabbed her with the pen in my pocket.

I am certain this goes without saying, but it wasn't about the parking spot. * Insert cringing emoji here *

Things I worry about while I should be working.

He has so many nudes of me. So much dirt. He could ruin what is left of my life.

He unblocks me to send me snide comments and then blocks me before I can respond. He doesn’t realize that I don’t respond at all anymore.  And shortly I will be blocking him - when I gather up the nerve.

Confession

A few days ago while at the mall, I stopped in at the store that sells his cologne. I pretended to browse for a gift, but really I just needed a fix.

Just barely.

How much easier it would all be if he was just a monster.

Sometimes the hardest thing to accept about abusers/toxic relationships is that these people care(d) about you, or at least thought they did.

It’s easy to think of stereotypical ‘abusers’ as these Big Bad Monsters who have no regard for your wellbeing. It’s easy but it isn’t always true.

They may well be like that, but they might also be that one person from school who always texts to make sure you’re okay. They might be the family member that tries to cheer you up. They might be the friend you’ve had for as long as you can remember. There is no template for abuse and there is no template for abusers, everyone experiences it differently.

No matter how much these people care about you or love you, if they are abusing you it is absolutely okay to cut them out of your life. You don’t owe them anything because of how they might feel about you.