Just Barely.

Just barely.

Repulsion and longing.

Purging old paperwork as part of my ‘self care’ routine. Lots of documents to remind me of when I used to be a functioning adult with a mortgage and electric bills and such.

So much of it with both of our names on it.

He never understood why I'd cry after he said sorry.

It’s completely normal. You are finally safe and can start processing and healing.

Problem

I am not looking for anyone at this point in time, and may never look for someone ever again.

But if there comes a time when I would like to have a someone again, I may be in a pickle. Who on earth would hear any of this and not run for the hills?

This was part of the plan I'm sure.

Part 2 : I did get up.

Anthem

While working in the basement one day, I did something that upset him (likely the board I was holding wasn’t straight or flush enough for him, or something we screwed together wasn’t square).  He pushed me to the ground and I hit my head on something.

He stood over me, triumphant and imposing. I locked eyes with him for a moment, stunned.  Then he sang “Who runs the world” in a mocking voice; he sang Beyonce daring me to get up.

His racism was the source of so many of our fights. It led to an outburst of violence at least once. At the time I chastised myself for not keeping my mouth shut; I could let so much else go without a word. But not the nonsensical bile he spewed at the world's current favourite scapegoat

Now I feel a little proud for not backing down. I lost a lot of myself throughout all of this, but not everything.