Regrets? - Tumblr Posts
There’s something so painful about loving someone too late. About realizing you loved them in a moment that, if you’d known, could have changed yours and their future. Or maybe not. But things would have been different anyway.
It’s worse when they message you. And they say they miss you. And gods know you miss them too. But the them they used to be, not the one that only seeks you out every few months or years and you don’t even know anymore. This person you didn’t realize you loved is so bad for you now because they just take and take and never give. But you want to reply. You want to hold them and say it’ll be alright and help them, even though when the cycle starts again and they forget you it’ll leave you in a tattered mess.
There’s something so painful about loving someone too late. About realizing you loved them in a moment that, if you’d known, could have changed yours and their future. Or maybe not. But things would have been different anyway.
Aaaaaaa I made the mistake of being productive. “I have energy”, “might as well take care of the weeds now” oh, what a fool am I. what. a. Fool.
Careful.
When I was young, I romanticised suffering. I hoped that some day I would have terrible things happen to me. It would make me glamorous and interesting and everyone would be dying to talk to the girl who'd experienced real darkness.
Step 1 in Isolation
Never trust a man who pressures you to drop your hobbies. While he should have been encouraging me to pursue my passions, he made it difficult to take part in anything that took me away from him and the duties he deemed mine.
An Ode to Truth - the missing piece of my heart.
One of the most horrible things he ever made me do was excommunicate one of my nearest and dearest friends. I love her, and considered her one of my soul sisters. I feel ashamed of a great many things; this may be the top as I have not yet been able to even discuss it with my other friends.
The story that I have available to me is this:
In June of 2016, she asked me point blank if he’d ever hit me. In a moment of clarity, mania, whatever you want to call it, I was honest. After all, he kept telling me over and over I should always be honest.
In a moment of stupidity, I told him that I had told her. I don’t completely remember what he said to me at this time as my brain fogged it up and I no longer have that phone to review the texts.
The gist was that I was a stupid cunt who was trying to shift the blame for my actions to him and that I had just sealed my coffin shut. He told me that he called her ( and I have no confirmation that this is true) during which time he says she was rude to him (something along the lines of “Don’t call me! Don’t ever fucking call me!”) and that this was my problem to fix.
Why was I continuing to smear his reputation and make him look like the bad guy? What was so wrong with my brain that I could not take responsibility for my actions? The usual chorus of I’m useless, slutty, stupid, etc ensued… You get the picture.
He insisted that I recant. I asked him how this fit into being honest all the time. Exasperated he told me there are certain things you just don’t say; that this would be something we could fix after I had made myself into a “normal” human being.
I tried to recant. She, being a reasonable human being, would not accept the alternative version of events I presented. Nor the excuses I provided for him. Nor my demand that she support me in my decision to be with him. She is a bold, brave, headstrong and fierce woman - I have always admired these qualities in her.
Knowing this, he said I had only 1 option: He called her a bitch. He told me her boyfriend would eventually leave her and cheat on her because she is unreasonable. She was going to kill everything around her with her toxicity.
What he meant was that she was dangerous to his position as my lord and master because he could not bend her to his will.
So. Months later, MONTHS later (November, as a matter of record) after he’d harassed me about it incessantly and told me the my dallying was evidence that I didn’t love him, I sent her a horrible email.
In it, I accuse her of not being supportive or having my interests at heart. I tell her that anyone who does not accept him, doesn’t accept me, and that I could not call her my friend anymore. I am accusing and defensive and abusive. I’m fucking awful.
I wanted to die when I sent that email. Yet I sent it anyways. She never responded. Who could blame her.
I miss her. And while I think there are a number of relationships that can be repaired, I don’t think I could ever really make this one right again.
One I’ll never get back.
He made me miss the wedding reception of one of my best friends. He told me weddings were for hook ups, and I just wanted to go to get back to my “old ways.”
Here’s the real reason: He didn’t like that she, a white woman, married black man. This aspect of him could be a whole series of posts on its own, but we’ll keep it simple for now.
This is making me sick even to put into words.
My friend’s husband’s family is, of course, also black, and my ex was particularly intimidated at the prospect of me dressed up and looking pretty while in the presence of black men.
Because he thought once you go... no, I’m not going to finish that sentence. My brain can only handle so much stupid in one day.
I regret reading Song of Achilles and will never again pick up another book. Starts reading again two minutes later.
I'm crying.
tears of gold | the aftermath.
pairing: min yoongi x reader fandom: bts warnings: anxiety ; depression genre: angst ; fluff word count: 3.3k+ previous: x
summary: if yoongi had a super power, it would be to turn back time and undo his past mistakes.
a/n: tumblr, you better not do me dirty again, let ME POST THIS NOW.
This started out as a very normal day on tour.
Yoongi got woken up by his alarm at 6 in the morning, turning it off with a heavy sigh before lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling through the darkness of the room. As always, his first thoughts were about his daughter, hoping that she was doing okay, that she was healthy and happy. Then his thoughts drifted to you, hoping that you were better off now that you were away from him.
It’s been two years since Hoseok had told him that he had spotted you out on the streets with his child and back then, he had done everything he could to track you down, only to find out from one of your old friends that you had decided to move out of the country.
And he didn’t know where to.
Two years of the never ending wondering where you were, sadness about the what-could-have-been, disappointment in himself, all the while pretending he was still the same bubbly Suga that fans loved so much.
One of those days, he wouldn’t be able to put on the facade anymore.
Finally, he slipped out of bed and under the shower, getting ready within ten minutes, before joining the others for breakfast.
He got himself a plate, sat down and continued his morning like he always did, his thoughts slowly managing to focus on the performance today.
Until Namjoon said something that made him freeze, a cold shiver running down his spine, because he hadn’t expected to hear that name being said out loud ever again.
Keep reading
The Discarded
generally regarded as a cult
semi-apocalyptic worldview
worship may involve self-harm
usually led by Pigeons
Legends say that thousands upon thousands of generations ago, this god was known as The Desired and kept in luxury by humans, safe from the voracious fastwings and sheltered from storms. As cities grew so did human capacity for disdain; eventually they stopped seeing the god as special, treating it as just another piece of rubbish in their vast civilizations. While it remains furious at the callous abandonment, this feral god can yet see glimpses of goodness in humans and so keeps still the retribution held waiting in wing and beak. Followers are mainly split between those who wish to get back in the good graces of humanity and those who try to hasten the apocalypse; both sides have subsectarians who endanger themselves or otherwise engage in self-harmful practices to ‘test’ the limits of human compassion. Convocations are held every three years, and as long as any follower can report a kind act by a human then all adherents regardless of sect are forbidden from enacting the apocalypse. This is probably the major religion I have most contact with in my personal life; above is a photograph I took while attempting to coax a member of the flock towards me so I could try and remove the strings that were binding their feet. Unfortunately another human sprinted between me and the bird, spooking it away and no doubt bringing the end of the world one step closer :/
Someone said something to me today and it really hit me hard. Someone told me that my mind understood what happened but my emotions are still trying to catch up to understand it too.
I understand that how people treat you isn't how they feel about it, it's how they feel about themselves. People can't give what they don't have. Eve though your actions have made it very clear to me the liar and coward that you are. It still doesn't take away the pain you have caused. In your quest to not hurt you, you hurted me instead. I was collateral damage for your lack of sympathy and kindness. I was collateral due to your traumas and lack of emotions.
In the end having understood that I still hope you deserve what you deserve. I have no sympathy and kindness for those that couldn't showed me the same. Not while I have given so much to you in the past. I have given my love, time, energy, intentions, my heart, my soul, my body and my money towards you. All to be played, lied to, disregarded, disrespected and ghosted by someone who can't give me the same in return.
I hope you have a mediocre life. I hope everything you do is mediocre. You're mediocre who deserves mediocre. I hope this guilt, shame and regret haunts you forever. Hope that bitch makes you miserable cause you'll never find someone like me ever again. I'm too high price for you.
Sometimes we have to experience what we don't want in order to understand what it is we truly want, truly need.
I know what it feels like to be the temporary side deal. Of course at the time this was happening I chose not to believe that that's just exactly what I was. It was exactly how he treated me (and eventually how I would start treating myself). I just didn't want to believe it, I was too high filled with feelings. His feelings. My feelings. My feelings mostly.
I know what it feels like to be the person whose name is never spoken. Whose name never escaping her lovers lips.
I know what it feels like to be always hidden away, always kept in the shadows. Never good enough and quite the embarrassment.
I know what it feels like to be so in love with someone who never chooses you.
It is because I know these things that I have come to discover what love is. I know Love, I am Love and I know what I want and am deserving of...I want the kind of love that wants you to say my name over and over. The proud kind of love that shines from your eyes and changes you forever. The kind you can feel from the very core of your being and stays with you wherever you roam. The kind that radiates brighter than sunshine and makes the thunderstorms shy in comparison. I deserve this. Nothing less.
Just a psa that cutting your hair by yourself in front of your bathroom mirror during a vague mental breakdown is generally not the smartest idea
Jewels of Truth Statements & Favorite Quotes of the Month
Hello All, It's that time of the month which I enjoy sharing with all of you my readers across the globe. I'm humbled to you my loyal readers for enjoying my blog site "Atrayo's Oracle". Google provides me a statistical analysis tool available through "Blogger" itself. It's common to all account holders and I'm often delighted to see the national origin of my readers. Only 2nd to the United States, is Russia, with Europe (including Eastern Europe), and Asia be it South East Asia as well. Not to forget the Aussies and a few South Africans thrown in for good measure. :o) I hope in the years to come I'm able to gain readership from Latin America and other parts of Africa as well. Now to this month's trio of "Jewels of Truth" spiritual wisdom statements. On the topics of: Art, Viewpoint, and Regrets in the series of #1015-1017. Written originally back in early Feburary 2010 that's how prolific my backlog of material is with this ad hoc system to catalogue it all. As always may you enjoy the insights offered up. To only enrich your own personal reflective tradition with the Divine and the spiritual in your lives. ----------------------------------------- Art: 1015) Art is a subjective experience neither here nor there in its fullest splendor. The value obtained from each encounter is truly in the eye of the beholder. For the artist it is of course in the construction of such a work no matter the specific medium it may be originally found within. The audience be it with devotees as connoisseurs down to the the general public at large are the one's ultimately to relish such fine art. Be it held in a gallery to a museum or into one's personal home it is nearly always a social gathering in the sharing for the artist's endeavor. If any objective reality is to become applied to art it is by its symmetry of its apparent beauty. The shapes, the lines, the stroke of the artists hands, the center piece, the perception, and so much more. Are values all to express the intent and the artists vision in asking us to indulge with their pleasure. Or at other more sober times their horror in the subject itself where awareness is key to potential enlightenment. Otherwise all art is in the perception of the creative viewer equally, if not more so from the artists mind. Where the reciprocal giving and receiving of attention as the audience becomes a carnival atmosphere in itself. Art is an outlet for the living and dying within all of us. Nothing more, nothing less, neither here nor there is the embodiment of art as a fervor. It is just the longing of the soul captured in its medium for all to value time and again. ---Ivan Pozo-Illas / Atrayo. Viewpoint: 1016) The windows of our eyes allows us to perceive this reality of ours to a limited extent. Oft times we become clouded with inner judgements and doubts to the point of paralysis. We are merely servants to the muse that beckons us from within to better our lot in life. Sometime we refer to this muse as God ever so nurturing our hearts and minds to continue past our own self imposed limitations. Only by a cleansing of our spirits can our windows see clearly in a perceptive attitude. In regards to the meta landscape we call Life as a whole. Permitting compassion to ignite our spark within to live brighter lives for ourselves, our loved ones, and our neighbors at large in the world. This reality is but one of many we shall continue to evolve in over the phases of our lives. Our viewpoint will naturally change as it should. However we must not allow condensation to fog over the windows of our eyes that lead to our heart, mind, and the overall soul. We must conclude to a regular regime of holistic health. In order to have a sound life filled with joy in our selected cross-purposes in living with dignity. Unless we forfeit what we would otherwise hold dearest allowing the toxic viewpoints of the world to trample us underfoot. We are not the chaff of the world, nor are we the titans to destroy our world as egotistical stewards of it. Only the truth meted out in moderation through a responsibility for ourselves can we begin to hope that our objective reality is wisely governed by our subjective whims. Only the light in its all encompassing brilliance is the greatest tool we have to save each other in humility from our lesser instincts as a mob mentality. ---Ivan Pozo-Illas / Atrayo. Regrets: 1017) For those of us filled with a Life of hurtful regrets. Where only the few of us are so blessed to get an opportunity for a proverbial "Do Over". In making right what at times went wrong or completely unfulfilled in our hearts and minds. We owe ourselves the benefit of a second, third, fourth, and how many more chances for our own fruitful self-development as a person. The rest of humanity must always find its way given what limited avenues we have in achieving a modest well intentioned life. Those of you that have become doubled over in pain having given up to whatever limited degree. Give yourself an opening to change for the better, you do have the power even if you feel you must crawl in your own sorrow to find relief. Find allies in all given opportunities that support you with a sincere love. Without placing additional burdens on you that you can not handle alone. Know that a life filled with regrets without a recourse to change them becomes a life of sorrow and near endless misery. Those living in quiet desperation if but awakened to their true selves in the "Holy Spirit" would shrug off the web of lies they have adopted for themselves alone. Forgiveness becomes the key to enter into the archway of an unconditional love. Forgiveness becomes not just a life saver for a "Do Over" it also ushers in the powers and principalities of positive change. Providence will roll over you like countless tsunamis to steer you away from your pain into the promised seas of everlasting hope, faith, and love. Where all your incomplete wishes as sincere endeavors for a life filled with prosperous change is not just possible, but inevitable. Amen. ---Ivan Pozo-Illas / Atrayo. --------------------------------------- No prize is worth obtaining if you can never share it. ---- Ernest Littlefield. For many an individual entity those things that are of sorrow are the greater helps for unfoldment.... ---Edgar C. Cayce. Reading 3209-2 Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go. ---William Feather. Where there is great love there are always miracles. ---Willa Cather. We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ---Joseph Campbell.
When you’re not there, you want to be there, and when you are, you don’t want to. Who said people are animals of wisdom? For me, obviously, we are animals of regret.
- Agust D, People (English Translation)
I think when I'm at my lowest, it's not that I want to not be alive, I just sometimes wish I could start over
I've had so many chances to do good things with my life and squandered them, and I only hope I'll be given at least one more in future and that I can do better then
I lost a fucking bet today! So now I have to post past conversations with my friends. Why? Because that’s was I’m supposed to do when and if I lost. So please don’t mind this weird shit! Please and thank you!! :)
Literally A Legend
I HATE HERCULES!
Literally Annabeth Chase
Me too, but low key I’d admit that zero to hero is a bop
Me
So, true but man If you really think about it. He really is every other fucking guy :/
Literally A Legend
I get why our Lila hates him but why do you hate him? Isn’t he like the ideal type for Straight and ready to mingle people?
Me
First of all he’s an asshole in the real Greek myths. Second, he’s not my ideal type. DO YOU THINK I HAVE SUCH LOW STANDARDS IN MEN??!!!!
Lowkey A Nerd
No, cuz u right. He takes after his father in the HIGHEST degree. I have never loved how in PJO Alaska was off limits for the Gods. So glad I’m on vacay!
Me
Yeah, you were a bitch and left us stranded. Which is betrayal!
Literally A Legend
Castaways~
Literally Annabeth Chase
We are castaways~
Me
Ahoy There!
Literally A Legend
Ahoy!
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Literally A Legend
AHHHHHHHHHHH
FUCK THE WORLD I HOPE EVERyONE BURNS expect you mi sole. **** you’re a saint to this hell of a world.
Me
Thank you?Are you okay?
Literally A Legend
Yep just having depression and some tiny very small suicidal thoughts but don’t worry I’m not actually going to hurt myself. I’ve been working on doing better habits than you know…
Lowkey a Nerd
Lol sucks to suck.
Literally A Legend
Go suck and Choke on a D!ck then die.
Me
OKAY! Anyways what’s up?
Biggest Gay Disaster Walking
Wtf did I just walk into?
Me
NOTHING!! We’re moving on from the subject.
Literally Annabeth Chase
alright, *Gasp*
Literally A Legend
Did you just text gasp?
Literally Annabeth Chase
yes, anyway think about this. A fucking book being much more effective as a weapon than a phone…
Biggest Gay Disaster Walking
whay brought ths on?
Me
What* this*
Biggest Gay Disaster Walking
FUCK OFF!
Me
>:(
Literally Annabeth Chase
wtf is wrong with you!?
Literally A Legend
Not cool, being rude to our sol like that.
Lowkey a Nerd
Like how dare you. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!
Me
Okay that’s a bit dramatic. Anyways Lila what were you going to say?
Literally Annabeth Chase
Oh, right!
So, the funniest thing ever just happened!
I was told to “Act my Age” right?
Me
Okay
Lowkey a Nerd
Cool that’s like the 5th time
Me
shhh… Jason (Literally A Legend) doesn’t need to know that.
Literally A Legend
Wt o u mean it te 5h time??
Biggest Gay Disaster Walking
I cannot read that whatsoever. **** (My real Name was here) translate, you hang around him so much that you might be the only that knows what stupidity he says most of the time
Me
That’s kinda mean but okie! Translation - What do you mean it's the 5th time?? Anyways Lily continue on with what you were saying.
Literally Annabeth Chase
Kinda, forgot about what I was saying for a sec, lol.
So, an old Karen told me that and I told her “What the fuck is that, ‘Act my Age?” She said “Don’t you care about acting like a grown young lady?” “What do I care how fucking old I am? Like the ocean is so old, Karen. But you still see it trying to drown your ass with vigor.”
She just gasped and looked at me. “You’ll go to hell with that language, young lady. How could your parents let you become such a sinner”
Lowkey a Nerd
The fuck? She has to be one of those funky ass Christians who tell Carlos to go to Hell.
Biggest Gay Disaster Walking
She sounds like them. So, probably.
Literally A Legend
So, what happens next?
Literally Annabeth Chase
I ended up telling that “my parents left to get gas when I was 5, that’s how I’m like this ma’am.”
Big Ass Giant
Wow
Literally A Legend
Where tf did you come from?
Have you been lurking this own time, Vesper?
Big Ass Giant
Yup! :)
Me
Coolio! B)
————————————————
Biggest Gay Disaster Walking
Go to hell Big Ass Giant
Big Ass Giant
But then I’d be leaving you without anyone to keep you company. :(
Me
:O
Biggest Gay Disaster Walking
STFU ****
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Context - A one of my friends was being a little shit.
Big Ass Giant
You know **** if you were an actual decent person then maybe people wouldn’t want to avoid you or stop talking to you.
Me
You know, that if you keep running your mouth so much, you’d be the skinniest person here?
Literally A Legend
Damn, she got chu good
Biggest Gay Disaster Walking
And you guys say I’m the meanest.
Me
It wasn’t mean. It was a fact
Big Ass Giant
Betrayal! How could you have betrayed, me my dear star
————————————————
Me
Now that I think about it, Literally A Legend you could and do trip over your shadow a lot.
Biggest Gay Disaster Walking
Wait, really?
You need to film it for me next time.
Literally A Legend
Fuck off. Also my shadow is an extremely tricky big asshole. He likes it when I fall to his level
Lowkey a Nerd
How do you know it’s a he?
Literally Annabeth Chase
OmG! Don’t start this shit again!
Literally A Legend
Holy Shit you right! My shadow might be Nonbinary!
Me
Now look at what you did… :/
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Me
Biggest Gay Disaster Walking, at least try and say something positive or happy today. It might help drown out the negativity!
Biggest Gay Disaster Walking
Well, my dad’s dead! :D
Me
I know your dad was a huge Asshole but ykw from you I’ll take that answer. I mean it’s close enough! :)
Biggest Gay Disaster Walking
:D
YAY! Are you proud of me?
Me
I mean it’s close enough! :)
So, yes I am.
Big Ass Giant
I’m genuinely concerned with your sanity **** (talking about me). But good job Biggest Gay Disaster Walking, you made mother happy
Me
stfu, I’m not your mother
Literally A Legend
Mama
Lowkey a Nerd
Mama
Literally Annabeth Chase
Mama
(They typed this at the same time btw)
Me
…Not one word Big Ass Giant
Big Ass Giant
\{. __ .|||
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Literally A Legend
Look at our lovely Sol, she's smiling! So, she’s obviously perfectly fine
Biggest Gay Disaster Walking
She’s not smiling because she’s fine. She is smiling because she’s completely terrified of the trauma we faced.
Lowkey a Nerd
That’s pretty much the same thing…
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See ya soon for a sneak peak on A Star Meets The Sky!