One Ill Never Get Back.

One I’ll never get back.

He made me miss the wedding reception of one of my best friends.  He told me weddings were for hook ups, and I just wanted to go to get back to my “old ways.”

Here’s the real reason: He didn’t like that she, a white woman, married black man.  This aspect of him could be a whole series of posts on its own, but we’ll keep it simple for now.  

This is making me sick even to put into words.

My friend’s husband’s family is, of course, also black, and my ex was particularly intimidated at the prospect of me dressed up and looking pretty while in the presence of black men.

Because he thought once you go...   no, I’m not going to finish that sentence.  My brain can only handle so much stupid in one day.

The first time I saw him get violent it was over me.

He grabbed the guy by the nose ring and punched him in the head.

The poor bastard's crime? He tried to steal my drink.

I went out dancing again last night, but I didn't feel quite as at ease as the first time. I was with some younger folks, so there was some drama that had nothing to do with me afoot; the interruptions that ensued were admittedly annoying.

But no, my memory was jogged because I had been in this bar before. Halloween 2016. He wanted to go out, and he had no one else to go with( I was last choice, you see, and he wanted to make sure I knew that).

So we went. However he was there to pick up girls, so we couldn't actually spend time together. He said he wanted me find us a 'third'. I said I would try.

I didn't. I have difficulty starting conversation at the best of times and as I had recently stopped drinking at that point there was no hope for artificial courage. I meandered around mostly.

But no matter, he was fine on his own. When I headed to the washroom, I found him sitting with a woman sprawled across his lap. He smiled at me as I walked by, enjoying my discomfort. I went to the washroom, regrouped mentally and decided that I couldn't stay. So I went to sit in my car and texted him to tell me when he was ready to leave and I would pick him up.

Later when he was in the car he told me that I should have stayed. He wanted me to watch. It was punishment. Justice. And if I actually loved him I would have endured.

Intake appointment May 1st.  Good grief.

When you’re reaching out for help, a “ I’m sorry, the girl who leads that program isn’t here right now, can you call back tomorrow?” will set me back at least a week.

It may seem petulant, but when you get up the nerve, it may be fleeting, and you need someone to catch you. Right then.

I don’t think you’ll understand this if you’ve never been in crisis mode.

Her point:  His opinion of me is still in my head and dictating.

Me: I ruined my mother's birthday. I completely lost it on my brother, I'm the worst actually, and caused a scene in a restaurant.

Therapist: What happened?

Me: *explains how a local club does not allow women to be on their board of directors or have a vote regarding how the organization (and a shitload of their own money is spent) is run.*

Therapist: This is a reasonable thing to be angry about. How did this affect your behaviour?

Me: My brother defended the decision stating we lived in a democracy and they could do whatever they wanted. I challenged this - can a business dictate who they serve and don't serve based on skin colour or religion? How about sexual orientation? Gender-identity? Which my sister in law (who I feel particularly betrayed by) dismissed as "semantics" *EYE ROLL*

Therapist: So this got heated.

Me: Yeah. My brother said this was the same thing as businesses that run a women only. I said it wasn't at all, and he dismissed me. I lost it.

Therapist: What did you do?

Me: I yelled "YOU HAVE A FUNDAMENTAL MISUNDERSTANDING OF EVERYTHING!"

Therapist: ... so you called him stupid in a polite way?

Me: ...

Therapist: When he was saying something stupid.

Me: ...

Therapist: And this is you being "the worst"?

Me: ... well, I yelled. In public. On my mom's birthday.

Therapist: ... OK. Maybe not your most shining moment but if this is what you consider "the worst" I feel like you might be shocked by the things that happen when my family gets together...