When You Walk In A Room You Light The Whole Thing UpStomach Sinking In A Room Full Of People When Youre

When you walk in a room you light the whole thing up Stomach sinking in a room full of people when you’re not there I miss you Don’t wanna be too clingy Don’t wanna smile at you too hard Wanna keep the balance right Not be weird But you’re the funnest person here It’s so dull when you’re gone Don’t be weird girl Feels like everyone hates me anyway But you look at me and I’m alright Do you know how special you are? How nervous you'd make me if you were a guy Feel safe when you’re there

I want the dad back who picked me up from the school talent show and took me straight to Big Bear, pampering me with coloring books and hot baths.

Making me feel special inside, like I was in a different, more magical, sparkly world. Like everything was fun and tasted differently, because I was with him, and we were in the snow, in a little cabin.

Even just in his car on the way there I was the most special girl alive, the luckiest girl alive. He loved me. He liked me.

Enough to scoop me up and take me straight to fun.

Now my dad is dead, he’s full of gray, he’s never the same. He’s bitter where he used to be sweet. There’s dead ends where there used to be endless paths, escapades.

I don’t know if it’s my fault or his makeup. If it can’t be changed or if it’s because I changed, because I sullied it by growing up.

Where did I go wrong? Where did he start to change? When did he leave me, and become who he is now?

A cruel stranger, one who changes like the wind, one who I could never trust.

I fear I’ll lose a central tenet of myself if I acclimate fully to the world I’m in

I wonder what it’s like to be normal If anyone normal really exists And if they do, what does it feel like? If it hurts less Or if they’re hollow on the inside Fitting in flawlessly with the world around them I’m dying to know If it’s worth it or if it means losing what’s inside me When I see a normal girl living a normal life I wonder if her insides are twisting like mine Or if she really is as glossy as she looks I’m dying to taste normal just for a second To see if it exists To see if it’s worth it Or if I’m better off Unclean

What if I just accepted the sadness & found beauty here? Beauty is much easier to find around me than happiness. Finding beauty in the mundane, the normalities in this young war, this invisible battlefield is my shelter. I clutch my raft of soft grass & pillowy clouds & piercing trees as I’m carried through the choppy waters of constant embarrassment & the jostling fear that something is wrong with me. My drapey soft florals hold me and my silver bands keep me straight and hard.  I like to imagine that everyone is hiding under the beauty too.  Glitter sparkles, you just need your eyes to see it. You don’t have to be happy.